sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- breathe jen Sorry to update three times in one day. I know that is very annoying. I'm bored at work mostly, and just flipped through some peoples diaries. I guess it's always good to not feel like you're the only one with a lot of shit, sad, depressive days. I always feel like my life has accumlated a lot of ups and mostly a lot of downs. There really are better things to think on and happier times to come. I watched two shows on Discovery Channel about people with like genetic diseases, etc. One was a baby that's skull was so deformed, she had no mouth, no jaw, her face was a mess, it disgusted me to even look at her, she couldn't talk, or breathe on her own. Her body was normal, everything normal except her deformed so bad, very badly face. I kept thinking, though maybe wrong, was why let her live? What kind of life will this little girl know? She can barely see, she can't hear (hearing aids) ... can't talk, you couldn't even take her out in public. The parents were two normal, good looking people. It's funny how God gave them this ... child. This thing that if you think back in the "day" maybe the 1800's how they probably would've carted the child off to a crazy house where it would've died by now for sure. Still. Sometimes, I wonder, if some things are worth saving? Is there a time to call it quits, or doesn't it seem like there is always, always hope? I tend to feel that way towards relationships. Granted guys will treat you like shit, but if a time came, where they came back and promised and treated you fantastic, would you still have enough hope in this, or would you consider it dead? I guess past pain, is sort of always in the present, lurking. They tell us to love like we've never been hurt, but can anyone really do that? Anyway, the next story I saw, was about one of those people with a skin condition where your skin is like tissue paper and rips easily. IN this, this 36 year old English man (he looked 80 years old) was dying of skin cancer -terminal. The story began with his death, this man was dead, in a chair while his parents were preparing his coffin, like THERE in his house. Like sorry, what the fuck is this with people dying at home and you like putting them and dressing them in their coffin? Isn't there like smell and body fluids to contend with? No matter how much you love someone, a few drips of body fluids on you makes them instant strangers. This boy, fought hard to have a mission on his disease. To me, I realized that no one really cares unless that disease effects you or someone you know. He was also really kooky with his life and about "dating" and stuff. But you see this shit and realize how insignificant most of your problems are. Speaking of death, this morning, another one of my fish died. I wonder if I helped in the situation by putting in some water cleaner, which in turn made the water very foggy - my other two fish survived, but the sucker fish died - and to my dismay - must've died last night a little bit after me putting in the cleaner. He was, disgustingly, white/pale and his...mouth...completely open. He must've been clinging to the side of the tank when he died...rigamortus had set in. I was cursing and screaming and saying, this is so fucking gross as I got him out ... and didn't dare look at him ... fucking fish with no eyelids. I flushed him and felt nauseous. I still am slightly nauseous...but that's cause someone here at work just popped popcorn and then now someone made a hot dog in the microwave. Disgusting. My pills still effect me with nausea, and this week it's gotten worse - also I took my pill 15 minutes LATE today. Yikes. But no worries to pregnacy right. Just worries about trigging my period with next week is my last week of pills before I get on sugar pills. Then I have to like go and BUY my next pill back (bummer!) and go to the gyn and get my blood pressure and tell him that I have heart palpitations sometimes and shortness of breath. My mom says I'm more negative on these pills. I agree, I am slightly more on edge, but not THAT bad. I really do not want to start on another pill. This is, of course if I do not get depressed. I don't really feel depressed, maybe slightly sad over what happend with cop - glad he's gone - but a part of me will miss him, that attitude of his. Bastard. Did I say, I think he was married? I feel, shocked, I feel ... disgusting if he was ... if I'd known I would've never .... Right now it's best to not think on it, because to me, that's one of the worst sins.... But I didn't know ... does that save me from damnation? I am trying to forget it all, I deleted his name from my cell and everyplace else I had it. I have stopped thinking about it, though sometimes he lurks in my thoughts. Just like my ex- will come into one of my memories. I try to push them out, but I know it'll take a while, years? To finally forget, and even then I'm sure I'll remember them on some odd day with some odd happening. I don't mind it, that's life. Still, I feel hungry for change. Realizing today that the two guys I'm "dating" ... are still not what I really want. Cop wasn't it either. Maybe if you mixed them all in a pot, it would make what I want. Cops looks and cool attitude, firemans attentiveness and workguys sensitivity/emotions. I'm not there yet am I? However way I say it, I realized it today. Still holding on to see for sure, but inside feeling ... nothing still. Unemotional, sometimes. Not sure, confused mostly. Plus, my job is getting to me still and I'm here a year plus some now and feeling I didn't want to be here doing this ... this long and wondering how I'll get out and away from it. I feel like something is coming for me, not sure what, but I feel excited slightly. I hope something good is coming as of late I feel humdrum. Am happy that me and workguy seem to have our weekends sewn up to each other. Though right now I wonder if I annoy him cause at work today he was a complete doofus and was NOT doing his fucking job. He pissed me off that he couldn't get this one thing I asked him LAST WEEK done. So I had to fix the problem - which really pissed me off. According to him, I am supposed to "tell him" when I get pissed off at him. But I figure you know this isn't worth the talk, though I might say something Friday cause he really did piss me off that he couldn't just fucking FIX THE PROBLEM as if letting it go would FIX IT. Hypocrite. Just let the shit lie and hope it gets better. So yeah, I realize I am on edge .... yikes. This week it seems doesn't it? I am going to have to calm my jets. I still am mildly happy/impressed with my talk yesterday with fireman. I enjoy that we can talk about any issues we have. Especially as of late with sex and what happend last time. We both are very open with it, especially when I asked about STD's. I told him how worried I was ... cuz I stupidly asked him after sex. Duh. And no condom too. I don't mind him actually coming in me, I've never done it and probably wouldn't if his gun shot real bullets - but I figure why not ... who knows if I'll ever let a guy to that in me. It'll be an experience. That is - if we do have sex - no promises, no expectations. I think we will, but if we don't ... okay. I think we've come to a point where we finally have gotten "close" and now ... are in some type of relationship, and I'm sure we'll both be curious now, how we'll be once we see each other. Kind of odd. Kind of romantic in a way. I know I was his last partner and now he's coming back after four months and I'll be his first (and probably last) again. I didn't tell him about what happend w/ cop. I told him that he (fireman) was my "last" ... I know it's a lie as I was with cop twice. But ... I don't know why ... maybe to save my own self, my own morals. How can you tell a man who is asking you for committment that you got horny and slept with someone just for ... sex twice? Seems so wrong, unlike me. I'd rather not tell him and risk that ... is that wrong? It's my business isn't it?? I choose not to tell him that as it won't happen again. I won't sleep with workguy before December (4th date this weekend - think a month now - and still no kiss?) I don't know where that is going, maybe it's to early. I want to say, so what is this, what are we? But it's to early for that too isn't it? Sometimes I think it's better to sit back and let things go ... go with the flow. Let them decide, why is it always me asking and pondering? Let workguy kiss me, decide and plan that. I guess I'm a lady of action and getting shit done. I need to change. Thus, this is why I do not tell workguy everything, it seems like he wants me to tell him every thought and whim I have. Every "issue" but most times I don't even know. Right now, I really thing it's a bad day, blame the pill. Today I feel so out of sorts and confused and just mad for no reason. Work is confusing today and people are pissing me off. God I just need ... a rest. I need vacation, to get away again. Stop this madness, lord knows I create these issues myself and right now I need some quiet. OH man. Man. Just like in my apartment, there is this Thumping I hear at night - the past two nights. Fuck. Like someone's bass (base?) ... but I think it's from the rain hitting something ... cause I hear it from like 9 to 12 and then 3 a.m. It's been driving me nuts. Somehow I'm scared that I'll have someone over and be like "do you hear that fucking bass?!" and they'll be like "I don't hear anything." Man I feel nutz. WTF!!!!!!!!! RARRRR!!! *Sigh* Breathe breathe Jen. 1:35 p.m. - 2005-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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