sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everything changes I left work at noon yesterday, my head hurt so bad. I don't know what exactly brought on a migraine - perhaps caff. withdrawl... but I left work and didn't even care if I would get in trouble (I emailed my boss and the girl that fills in for me). I got taco bell, went home and ate - no caff. - went to bed at 2 and woke up around 5:30 - 6 when a telemarketer called. Bitch. So regardless, I think I needed that rest, whatever. I got up and made potato au gratin from two left over potatoes and cut up some ham in it and it turned out very good. I ate it while watching SAW. Lovely evening. Er ... I am trying to rid my apt of caff - so I drank half a diet mountain dew - code red - before realizing it contains fucking CAF.!! So I dumped out the rest of the can and had a glass of milk. I am hitting the gym tonight - just to do the ellipitical - then going to go grocery shopping (maybe) and home to rest some mo'. I feel like my body is finally getting rid of the water weight. My stomach doesnt' feel that pressure, it has been feeling. Not sure what caused that other than my period last week. I'm assuming I shall drop a lil' bit of weight pretty quick since I'll be exercising again. I have yet to start my new pilates workout dvd. I consider this a rough start, but eh I have time. WG emailed me yesterday - which was nice - but still I wondered if that didn't occur cause I told him in the car Monday that I always had to contact him first. I told him, that's my baggage in a way - always being the one to reach out first. I don't mind it sometimes, but they have to do some reaching at some point or else it's one sided. So right now, it seems like it's his turn to do some reaching, I got the ball rollin' but he needs to help keep it going. And I think he is. He really, really has changed with a lot of things .... Like him reaching for my hand, or him used to me sitting by him, etc. I think I've turned him into touchy feely. I know when you haven't been touched - in that long - you sort of get addicted to it and want more and more. At least that is how I was when I met my ex. At first I was timid, but lord knows after I got used to it, I just wanted it all. So I think boyfriend is in that mode - and I'm stuck in kissing him nervously and then laughing nervously and ruining it. I'm praying this no caff. kick will calm me down inside. I think it ought to. I'm thinking of things to do to use up this nervous energy I seem to have barrels of inside. Friday I think I ought to calm myself down mentally ... tell myself to chill out cause I know we'll try again with making out and I cannot keep this sillyness up. He told me on Sunday ... "well maybe the third time is the charm." Yikes. How do I look to this boy that I bitch about not kissing me ... going to kiss me and I freeze up? What the fuck is wrong w/ me?? I think it's the pressure, undue pressure I've given the issue. Right now I'm letting it go, and I think a lot of it has to do with going to far, to fast, when he tells me that he doesn't like to make out for to long ... so I'm wondering what's to long? Or when I complain about his quick silver tongue in mouth - now I worry about him worrying about that, and argh. I get nervous, anxiety and can't kiss. So I know what I need to do is to stop putting so much stock into this. Just do it, for fucks sake. I know I have kissing skillz, I'm not ashamed of how I kiss. Shit. Also WG/Boyfriend made me sort of think when he said he'd kick some guys booty if they tried to kiss me. WTF is that? He doesn't OWN me. And not like I would EVER kiss a boy in front of him ... I told him that wasn't the answer. Still I see this cancer side of him protective and the snake side of ownership of loved ones. I guess it does feel good a guy would go to bat for you, if someone tried to take advantage. Still ... it's odd what he is becoming ... he's right when he says we're on the verge of something .... I think I'm the one with the foot still on the dock outside the boat, afraid of shoving off, still being careful, worried about his feelings, etc. SO I shall get this nervousness out of myself with thinking about when we next kiss - role playing? Whatever to knock off my nerves and just do and do. I thought I should, at first, pretend he is someone else. Cop, fireman, MG ... where I didn't care if they liked what I was doing or not. Just doing it - as I should. Hm. Is that wrong? I do feel calmer now, which is a good thing. Need some inner peace, maybe it's because I'm afraid that the time I've been so scared to face is nearly here. When the L word is used, everything changes. 8:11 a.m. - 2006-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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