sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what they say I'm still procrastinating about paying for my Gold membership. I always wait until the last minute. I never used to be that way. I don't know when I stopped caring about even the little things in life. I'm having oddness still within my body. I know I've gained weight, that's very upsetting when before I was going pretty okay with losing. Now I feel most of it in my stomach. Like maybe a dash of bloating, but suddenly it seems to be concentrated in the stomach area - like I can feel it. But I've cut back on eating, giving up pop - and noticed stretch marks suddenly on my chest ... wtf is that? So I'm going to the gym today. I also stopped eating fast food. So I'm thinkin' I should slim down a lil in these two months before the wedding. My mom thinks I ought to ask my gyn for a different birth control - however I believe this is a low dose pill. I just noticed some side effects recently of my own mental thinking/actions. Something with how I am, I can't think correctly. I say things w/o thinking so often. Then times where I feel like I can't process anything and I get anxious like a mofo. I'll tell my doc this when I go in for my blood pressure check ... maybe I will have to go on another pill. I also think caffenine has played a role, if not major role in my weridness. Which is why I've cut out caffenine - pop - whatever because when I have to much I really get anxious, nervous, etc. It just sucks. But I felt calmer yesterday w/ WG ... but had that anxious feeling still at bay. I'm thinking caff. withdrawal. We had dinner together - the boy and I third anniversary. He got angry with me in the car, but I can't remember why he did. It was quiet for a moment and I parked and got out. Now, this boy goes to grab my hand - and I realize how much things have changed. So we ate and chatted and seemingly talked about our past and things and people and about us. I drove him back to his car (at work) and we talked in the car for two hours. We both agreed it seems like the time we spend together goes by to fast. I said I enjoy his company, that we can't get enough of each other. I think he felt good about that. He said he was worried about me on this birth control. He said sometimes he doesn't know me - that my mood swings leave him feeling like there are many personalities/sides to me. Highs and Lows .. yet always happy ... but he said he's never dated anyone like me. I said thanks for making me feel like I'm fucking nuts. We talked about kids, having kids, how I wanted to work if I had kids and he didn't want me to - to wait until they are in school. I said I didn't go to college to sit at home on my ass. We argued and then laughed about why we were even having this conversation. I said, I needed a ring first anyway. *ahem* Still, we chatted about sex - and he doesn't think I'm experienced - unlike him - as if he's some veteran. He said I didn't seem very sexual, I sort of laughed and said he didn't know me very well then and that I hold back cause I know he wants to take it slow and I don't want to pressure. He said I didn't have to. I said next date we're messing around. I think he's ready finally and I'm sort of freakin' out about that. Why? Dunno. I think with my caff. withdrawal - by Friday I should be a lot calmer - we're seeing each other Friday night, Sat. he's spending the night. It's odd how much, recently that we're seeing each other. I never thought it would be like this - and oddly when we're with each other we never seem to tire of each other. He's calling me Wed. night as well. So I saw him last Friday, Last Sunday, Monday, calling Wed. seeing him Friday, Sat and Sunday. Whoa. Eh. I feel ashamed, odd that he might think I'm mentally wrong - or mood swings. I never thought I had them that bad - at least my sister has never said anything, nor my parents. I think maybe I'm just always like that - my family is used to it - or maybe WG spurs it on - maybe a smidge of hormones revs it. Maybe he's to sensitive. I'm trying to control it and think I've really made some tracks with it - I know I get a lil off the wall, but perhaps not as bad, and now have not talked about things that seem to make him upset. I've tried to be more positive. In this all ... I'm trying and if he can't understand this, then fuck him. ;) But we seem to still have a great time and still whatever, like each others company. I feel odd when we talk about marriage and having kids. That is surreal to me, I almost hate to talk on it, if it doesn't happen, it leaves you to feeling about why bother thinking about it? I guess that is the side of me he doesn't like, this doubt ... that we aren't forever. I can't help it, maybe I'm the realisitic one, covering my own bases. Something. I admire him for his optimistic ways, when he says he never thinks of the negative ... and wouldn't date me if he didn't think we could go anywhere. I agreed, and do talk about the what if's with him now. Last night I told him about my plans for if I get married, to hypen my last name with the guys. He said I could do what I wanted and then said my name with his last name. I sort of shuttered at that. Things that make us seem more real, just sort of shocks me. I'd be going from Jennifer B to Jennifer L. From JLB to JLL. Oh man. Maybe that's why I'm so flighty with him, just .... Argh. I don't know. Nutz? Okay I'll watch myself this weekend and see how I am, if I don't get any better, I will tell the gyn this when I go in - probably next week - and see what they say.
8:25 a.m. - 2006-01-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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