sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tomorrow It's amazing how important skin is. Your face, is you. Whenever you get a blemish, you hide yourself. Look away, look down, don't look at me. I fought acne earlier in the week - due to stress - I broke out. In fighting it, it's amazing how now with clear skin, I can hold my head up high. When before, a blemish made me hide away, feel ugly. The thing, the size of a rain drop, ruins your day. Regardless. I've been using my grandma's old remedy - using a vitamin E capsule - poking a hole it in - and using that oil inside to put on anything I need healed. It works like magic. Any acne I had, healed up very fast, it's amazing. I've been taking multivitamins and one vitamin E every night. Wishing it'd heal me inside. But I see it hasn't and right now I'm going through something. Not sure what, but a change inside. And in that, maybe I'm not healing, but shifting. Today I looked in the help wanted section, thinking maybe of applying for a legal secretary job - or a medical associate. I have good communication skills and computer skills. The one job paid $13 - $14 an hour. My job, only pays like $9? $10? I tried to do my taxes last night and unsure what I really make, one section says $22,390 then another says $26,690. I assume I make the $26, but with everything taken out, maybe it's really $22. It upsets me that I'm so low on cash, I just don't know what to do. How to change it. I told my sister about it last night, how I feel I can't get ahead and she said I would eventually, though right now feels like I won't. She said she'd loan me money, I didn't ask for that. Though I wanted to say, my money problems began with having to get things for your wedding. But I didn't, and I never will. I should be one paying for things, etc. It's just hard when you make $26,690? With $615 rent every month, (takes whole pay check) and your other pay check goes to bills and living. I believe I'm left with $100 bucks a month, if I'm lucky. So getting ahead, feels like a joke. Right now, I'm hoping something, someone will save me, but I feel that's a fraud, I can only save myself. Live frugal. Sort of wish WG would ask me to move in, at least that'd relieve a lot of my costs, but then I would lose my freedom, my own space, etc. So I'm better off living frugal. Though I feel after I get my tax check, I'll be okay again. Last year I got $950 back. This year, I hope I'm that lucky. Even $500 would be something. And before I said I'd put it all on Visa, however now I will put half on Visa. State should also give me something. I wanted to put in all my medical costs ... but I can't reach the $5,000 deductible. I can maybe reach half of it - but not all of it. So that bites ass. Only good thing, is I can claim on rent paid. I realized I've paid $3,000 some in rent since I moved in. That's just amazing, though what have I show for it? Another theme in my life: throwing away money. So right now I'm just trying to survive. I got my cable bill yesterday -- $112. I felt like falling off my chair. Am going to cancel showtime ($16 a month!) and probably download the L-Word TV show off the net and watch it there. Figured on keeping DSL, getting basic cable and downloading the TV shows I watch on HBO and Showtime off of the net. That works right? I've watched shows on there before, like sex in the city, I watched a movie on there before, so it won't be to trying. However will be money saving. - Think probably $50 a month saved. Anyway, I'm itching suddenly for a new job. I'm tired of making shit pay again. Thinking maybe of trying Chicago again....though hate to. But maybe I must? Or something -- working in a college again -- so I can go back to school. That was my plan before, however, they wouldn't hire me as a secretary. :( Over experienced. I'm getting a feeling where I'll never make good in my career. I know I fucked up. To many changes. Should've kept in one area, as I was a reporter, then designer, then went to the cruise ship worked as a graphic artist/designer/printer and now working as ... I don't know what ... paginator. This current job is so uncreative, it's just dull and basic. Granted, important, not paid as if it were important. Folks with no college degrees could do it. My therapist said that's why I get depressed, knowing I can do better, but no chances given. No place to go. She was certain that I could get another job soon. Though I boast that I did interview at Purdue Univ. --- the BIG one - for a job. At least they saw SOMETHING. And then interviewed four times in Chicago for that one job - granted I didn't get it, but made second interviews for it twice. Now, I don't really apply anymore - as I can't move away (what about WG? - see I dreaded finding someone I really liked as now I can't move away - unless we broke up...) .... and I don't want to work in Chicago. So that leaves around here, which doesn't hire for jobs I want. Therefore I'm fucked. Though I DO keep my eyes and ears open for anything that could provide a chance. Lately there hasn't been any. Now I dream of maybe writing again, a book, articles for something, but motivation is low. Maybe I should create art again, sell it on Ebay. Be crafty and do craft shows, no. Sometimes, with all your creativity, ideas, what you really should want is motivation and drive. So I just feel blah lately, feel a slip into depression, trying to remain happy but mostly disappointed with my career. Very, utter unhappy a lot. WG sometimes rubs it in, though he doesn't realize it. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed on the cruiseline. Worked my way up and around to living on land. Then living in Florida, I really couldn't made it if I wouldn't stayed. But flight it another theme in my life. So easy to fly when the going gets tough, when I get bored, and now, I'm learning some lesson about staying through the thick and thin. Right now, wondering about WG and I and our future. Remembering when he noticed, when I said I needed to clean out "our" storage closet. He said ... "you said "our" ...." It's when I realized, that I knew, it wasn't all about me anymore. Suddenly turned into "us." And yes, I know I get scared of such a change, a relationship like this. What I've always asked for, now I have and now it freaks me out. And when I'm wacky and when he stays and calms me down, I see some staying power and know we've both fallen hard for each other and in that, where do you go from there. I am thinking tonight is where we go. I'm wondering if he feels odd about tonight, our already discussing how we'd mess around more tonight. When we talked about it, it was all good. We were ready, but now I feel just odd about it. I want to do it, but feel this nervousness. This morning I was laying there thinking how it'd go. I know last time were were nervous upon seeing each other - knowing that we'd be messing around for VDay. Then sitting there wondering who'd make the move, and then it happening and still feeling nutty. Tonight, I feel calm about it, though hoping he doesn't feel like me, odd. I know he wants to do this, as it seems like he thought on it. Wanting my side of the bed and I told him how I got myself personal wipes - he said he wanted to use one too. Yikes. I lay in bed this morning thinking how it would progress. My sister thinks we'll end up having sex. I don't think we will. But kissing, then it's his turn to begin whatever. I figure with boobs, and undershirt things. My plan is if he puts his lips on my boobs - then I get to put my hand on him. I think there is some protocol to these things, I wait until I feel ready and feel he's ready. I think he needs that touch, that's the hurdle I think. Then I get freaky about him touching me below. As most men don't know what the fuck is going on, and I get hurt by overzealous fingers and not enough lube. I'm thinking he'll be somewhat gentle, yet has this demanding side. Such as when I kept brushing his hands away from my boobs, he kept trying to touch my nip. So I let him and I could tell he got turned on. In that, I get turned on. He's a breather, you know when he gets excited by his breathing. Right now I wonder if he even remembered what we wanted to do, I'm sure he has - and now wondering if he feels anything weriod about it or nervous? Being a guy I'm sure he's not and probably excited just to do it. I think he's been THINKING about it, and maybe both us wasn't sure what page intimately we were on. I told him I didnt want to go to far, and not to fast. I think the lil "can I do this" talk helped us both. Tonight we'll see. Though I feel this ball of nervous energy inside. I am making dinner, we'll watch a movie, after the movie I'll ask if we should go mess around. I want to go early enough ... or else it'll be late and he'll be tired and sleepy eyed. No giggly giggle either. I really didn't do that last time, but he was the one that was sniffy and he laughed and when we did start to get going, his nose started running. It sucked, as we were on that verge, you know, that wave of passion you feel in a good kiss? It was one of those kisses that leads to other things. But he stopped, nose runny and me saying, "Oh god, why did you stop!?" So we're on our way, I just feel uncomfortable with all these lil road blocks. Like he just can't french well. I try to work around it, but his tongue action, is odd. I am getting used to him I guess still. But I'm just HAPPY he's finally getting sexual. I mean last time touching my face, hair, etc. He never really did that before. And then going for boobs like he did, he's getting confident but also has a smear of demand in his demeanor. Kind of like fireman when he comes home from Iraq. He's so ... rough, demanding. I think it's horniness - that very aggressive thing where he kisses you fast and touches you faster. It's exhilirating to say the least and you get to the point where you know you can't stop even if you wanted to. I feel a tinge of that in WG. I see if he gets excited and into it, that he'll probably get that aggressive streak. Not that it's a bad thing, I like that in guys, but I'm hoping he lets himself be free and just go for it. I'm assuming if we get to a point I'm going to try my damnest to make him come. I think he so needs that right now. Hmm. So yes, I think I ought to be passionate tonight, a lil seductive and very forgiving to him. Whatever he wants, his pace, I'll go to, and then push the envelope a lil. I think he needs this, and I know I need this, we both need it to feel closer. I think in making someone climax, there is this satisfaction from both parties. I'll try to finish though no promises..... Hm. It ought to be a very ... odd night. I'll try to update tomorrow. 9:17 a.m. - 2006-02-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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