sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- two fold Pretty darn sneaky. The gyn is. I mean I just refilled my prescription for birth control, and only have two more refills left. I'm going in May for my pap smear - and then will reorder my pills for the next year. It's like ... a game ... I can't pass Go and collect my $200 dollars until I have someone stick things in me and poke around and get touched in the bad places by a stranger and have it seem okay. Saying OK to rape. I'm nervous, yet I'm not. Just relieved that ... it'll be over, yet feeling maybe as if I'm going TO early - when I'm supposed to go in June, I'm going a month early. Eager to get poked, and played with. I doubt they've given a second thought to my earliness, while I'm stressing on it. Anyway, boyfriend and I had a odd weekend. He FINALLY bought a new car. I was there for the whole thing. We got in mini fights - due to stress. We figured out bills for when we move in, all of those things. We drove and drove in his car yesterday, driving and talking. We had sex Saturday night ... he couldn't come at all for some reason during sex, so he'd pull out and I'd have to manually do it. We did this twice. In some odd world I came twice - each time - we had sex. It was role reversal? Last night we tried again, this time he couldn't stay hard. He'd get hard, but as soon as I'd stop giving a handjob or blow ... he'd go limp. We attempted sex, but then he'd go limp ... and he tried hard, but it barely felt like much. I did ... finish ... again. I suppose my body is used to him now? I mean I've *never* finished to quick, so much, so soon. Not sure why or what is going on. I felt bad that he couldn't get hard, couldn't finish. He got upset not know why he couldn't - saying he was stressed with the car bills, me moving in. He's been embarassed about his house, taking me there yesterday and feeling bad about having to do this or that. Trying so hard to please me. I guess it all got to him. Not to mention to much sex recently ... way to much. And even my body is protesting. WIth aches and pains.... I'm happy this week is my period, so we both can recoop. And the shit news is my sister is having me go to visit my parents with her. I mean I didn't want to go, but my parents said ... you should go cause something is going on. I said...okay....wanting to bring boyfriend. But unsure ... that is, if it'll happen still. I wish I didn't have to go. Still I figure, well my period is this week and I'll leave Friday night, return Sunday afternoon. I wish he could go, but dont' think my sister wants that. I think she just wants the "family" ... trouble in paradise, is what everyone is saying. Still, I guess it'd be nice to get away too - not away from boyfriend, but from all the stress, etc. I love him, God knows I do ... and I do want to start on his house, but I feel a lil break from it all would do us good. I'll miss him and am slightly pissy that we have to put OUR plans on the back burner - because of my family, but at the same time I'd like to go dump off shit I don't need at my parents - before I move. Anyway ... boyfriends house ... which I now should say "our house" ... is surprising ... roomy. Lots of closet space - and his basement I love as there is *nothing* down there. I mean just the cars he collects in a few totes, but empty rooms, etc. This boy doesn't own much. No clutter. I told him, boy when I move in ... this place is going to change.....it's going to look great. We picked out the colors for the rooms, we're painting the living/dining in a butter yellow (soft/creme' yellow) ... our bedroom in a spicey orange color and the bathroom in a darker blue. Later we're painting his computer room a medium green and the other bedroom, not sure yet ... but it's going to get painted as well, plus the kitchen. It's hard cause it's a lot of money to spend. Thinking of 4 cans of paint. Two new ceiling fans, a new medicine cabinet ... etc. etc. etc. My only happiness was knowing in June my parents are giving me money for my birthday ... I'm hoping $500 or $1,000 (that's a dream) but I'd even take $300. It's a lot of work we have to do ... but worth it and really not THAT hard. The shit part: measuring windows, where the cabinet will go in the bathroom. And mostly the cleaning. He's "clean" in the sense that he vaccumes and dusts ... but his bathroom is filthy in the sense that he hasn't cleaned the walls or the tub ... it's horrid. I figure it's a guy thing. And I'm *very* anal about clean ... about no clutter. And function and using things as they should be used. I think this week I'm going to go through my storage closet and take all the things that I want to give my parents and put them aside. It'd be SO much easier than in July when we're all sweating our asses off and hauling shit. It's scary to think about ... really. Moving. WG was just saying yesterday, "you know you don't have that much stuff ....." I wanted to say, yeah but ... just wait. I did realize that he was right. I mean I have a lot of nick-knacks ... but furniture wise, etc. I guess I really do not have a lot of things. Out of my boxes, I realized he was right when I noticed that out of the 10 packed at least 4 went to Holiday stuff and then ... there is my box of pottery and then some little things. Some kitchen things. Ehhhh.....it's hard anymore. When the whole new-ness has worn off a relationship and now it's nitty gritty reality. No more excitment at the thought of him kissing you goodnight. Now - you realize you can go to the bathroom in front of him. Now I can not wake up early to make sure I don't look horrid. I just...I guess am comfortable with him. I decided today that I need to get used to being naked in front of him. Granted we have sex, but only at night. He's seen my boobs but not below the belt. We showered together again and he said in his bathroom - his tub is smaller, but it'd be okay. I thought, fuck it's so bright in there with that window...I was like how are we going to shower?? That's when I realized that I should get comfy with him seeing me. Though it's just odd and scary to think of. I've gotten better, but not to the point - when he asked me to flash him - that I couldn't. Anyway ... things are a -changin' - and I'm hoping, for now - that I don't freak out with it all. I also hope my period starts up soon. I get that same, "what if it DOESN'T start" feeling.... Though I've had cramps and painful boobs the past few days ... I know it's here. Has to be. I should look back to see when it started last month. I know last month was very very light. It's sad, how excited we are, to have sex without pulling out again. I mean we're both just so happy to be able to again. I told him that I spoiled him with that. He agreed. Just like how I usually get him off in the mornings. Like this morning's pitty hand job because he couldn't get off last night. Eh ... it's give and take. But in a guy's way, I came and he hadn't and I kept thinking .... oh come on ...... I know that's bad, but my legs ached like never before. Both hips were hurting - not sure why - but I figured we've had sex at least twice a day for the past 2 weeks - everyday except for, I think 2 or 3 days. That's to much. I think it's why he's been having troubles and stress, etc. Eh. Sex, leads to a lot of issues and emotions. When it's good, it's good, when it's bad or stressful it's amplified two fold. 9:49 a.m. - 2006-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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