sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary


for so long

I'm not sure that it's worth getting another GOLD membership. Other than using my "annoyance of the day/listening to/feeling" sections, I don't really post photos. I don't have banners running.

Oh --- I forgot to tell you.

I got a new job finally. And a minor pay raise. I still work at the paper, but now I'm in a graphic designer or artist, whichever you prefer.

I went from making $12.14 an hour, to now $14.00 an hour. I worked it out and that's $150 more per paycheck (it's originally $300 more, but with taxes and medical and they have a stock plan, $150 goes to all of those lovely things).

I'm happy to be out of this job, however am feeling slightly afraid that I'll fuck up. I guess getting out of your comfort zone is what is so scary.

I sort of associate this to marriage. I mean I'm slightly afraid of the whole thing. Not that I don't want to marry my beloved. It's just the fact that it's something new and out of your comfort zone of being single.

I always say because marriage is a legal thing. Not like a relationship where you can say, goodbye without drawing up papers and seperating the dishes, the car and house.

But I am certain that I A. want to get married and B. want this new job. I am afraid - but still want to do it. Kind of like you're afraid of riding that scary ride at the amusement park, however you'd never turn back and chicken out. You have a brave face, but inside, it's shakey and scary and stuff.

Regardless, in a way, I'm happy to have this change. Though, guess ... yes ... that my boss is my ex boyfriend. Granted I am civil to him, I treat him no less than how I deal with others here I do not like personally. Business wise, I am very friendly and help out where I can. I'm over it all, but still there is the hurt left over. His shame. My pain. It's still lurking in the shadows, but we ignore it.

We act like nothing ever happend, yet it's in the back of our minds. It's odd to think, that this person, I told him I loved him and never wanted to be w/o him and then we kissed and messed around. We had sex, I didn't want to, but in the name of fake-love, I did it for him. Ended up in pain, but here I am. He's my boss and nothing happend.

I'm okay, I'm cool with it. I'm not depressed or pissy. I guess the whole - raise and new job thing - covers all the shit parts for now.

Regardless, I hope I get a "raise" in April. That's usually when they come about. Even a 1% raise will give me $20 more a paycheck. I would prefer a 2% raise, 3% is ultimate.

I also have been working out and am planning on turning in my form so I can get $30 back a month from work. If I go 8 times, they pay my fees. So I'm trying to go to all my classes and today I planned on going a bit, but my foot - ball of my foot - is painful today. Not sure why, but I have a limp. Walking a treadmill? No good.

I think, I've tightened up a bit. I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if I had. Or maybe thought I had cause I've been working out more than before.

I am also getting on a new birthcontrol next month. It's a generic brand of something, it's call Nexon 1/35 28's - green. Not sure what the fuck all of that means, but I know it's only $11 a month verses my old $20 a month estrostep fe's 28's.

I really am worried as it's a bit higher hormones - things that make me nuts! Just worried I'll get bad. My gyn said that I'm due for a check up in May - therefore ... eh .... I can change my pill by then. They want you on new pills for at least 3 months - that's when the side effects change.

I hope I lose weight with this one. :( The other one made me hungry A LOT. When I was on Yasmin, I did lose weight because I felt nausea all the time.

I figure I'll get sick after taking this pill. The higher dose, yeah.

Regardless, whatever happens, I'm just happy right now. My fiance also got a new job!

He doesn't work NIGHTS anymore! :) No pay raise for him, but now he only works until 7:00 each night. I'm so very happy as when he worked until 10:30 .... it was hard to stay awake for him to get home and eating dinner alone was a drag.

I don't know things are looking up, but in the back of my mind is the bitterness ghost as we've both had to endure a lot of shit w/ our jobs in the past. I know it's a new day now, but still it's hard to keep your head straight w/o wanting to turn out and embrace that bitterness that you've lived in for so long.

10:55 a.m. - 2007-01-12


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