sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how it looks! It's always a wonderful thing to sign on to your online bank and see $0.00 in your checking account. You realize, that oops! That stuff you bought from Amazon - wasn't put on your Visa, but on your debit card. Oops!!! I'm slightly perturbed by my own stupidity lately. It makes me wonder where the sharp, quick witted Jen went. I started taking my vitamins again, in the hopes of regaining some lost brain cells. Duhr. Regardless, I know I get paid on Thursday. It doesn't really help that it's only Tuesday. That right now I can't spend any money until Thursday. I have two bills to pay - and that's it until next month. Regardless, I have $200 of my check to spend on A. ring payment and B. flower payment. Or something odd like that. Not sure just when to do these things, sort of angry that I tell my mom I'm spending on all my wedding things and she can't send me just a smidge of my wedding money to help. Though I know if I did get it, then I probably WOULD spend it on stupid things, well then again maybe I wouldn't. I don't know, but still it's upsetting sometimes and though I try to not let it get to me, there is a part of me that throws an internal fit each time I see these crazy bills. Though I feel kind of good that I didn't put that on my Visa card - my amazon purchase. At least then I don't have THAT too to pay off on Visa. Fucking Visa! I wish I could come into some money quickly. Thinking about gambling or playing the lotto seems like an idea, but I do not have $20 or even a $5 to spend on such things that most likely will not even have a payout. Regardless, I'm feeling blah today. I had my interview yesterday and was so upset going into it because prior I couldn't figure out a new part of my training (training to fill in for someone else) and my boss was yelling at me and I was frustrated beyond belief. So I went in with teary eyes and reddened cheeks. I had an attitude of cool, non-caringness. I've been so fucked around, so many times. Right now they act as if I have the job, as if I'm their top choice, the top dog. However this has happend before and I ended up getting fucked again. So it's hard to remain positive when so many times I've been lied to and promised and those words of fake encouragement to keep on trying! I've mostly had it. I've had it with my current job and this company. In reality the job market sucks and well, I'm in a sense stuck. Unless I want to move, which I cannot at this point. It's crazy. So crazy anymore. I just wish I could go away for a while and come back with a refreshed attitude. Some positive thing where things will get better! They must! Right!? Type of thing. I'm happy to be in love and marrying the only man for me. But career wise, I'm still that single girl in the hopes of finding the one. The dream job, the job that's meant for me. I just dont' know what it is yet. But hey! I got a marriage coming up, one that is draining all my funds and making me pull my hair out and contemplate going to soup kitchens some days. What helps is I got off my acrylic nails. That saves money - at least $35-40 a month, even more if I went twice a month! I also am going to try to hit my mark at the gym - if I go 8 times a month, my company pays for it. So I'm going to actually just GO to all my aqua aerobics classes and then go on Thurs/Fri to walk on the treadmill and do elliptical. Swimming really is a workout, though not sweating, kind of throws me off. I expect to sweat and I don't, so it's like am I really working out? I know I should start going to kick boxing. That would really get me in shape, it's Tues and Sat. but I wanted to kind of get myself in the gym at least 2 - 3 weeks so I sort of break myself in - then try them out. So I will go one day, soon enough. I guess that's good. I guess I just want a break on life. I'm so tired of working and seeing my money dwindle away into the abiss of life. I mean seeing that I'm spending $500 on flowers and invitations and then so much on other things, just for looks and for one day of my life. It's crazy to think on and mind bending how people can hike up prices and with a straight face say, "You only get married once." I know I'm lucky in a lot of ways, but I'm human saying that I want things better for myself. Okay enough of this, I do hope I get this job. It annoys me that I have to wait. If they know I'm not going to get it, I wish they would tell me quick. I think I'm going to get it, seems certain, but like I said, other things have happend where I didn't. If I don't, I really don't know how I'll react. I don't think I'll cry, to many tears spent here. Stress too. Anyway, my wedding planning is still going. I have things to still buy for my wedding. I got my bustier in the mail, it fits, however the cup size is way to big. I got a C-cup - since my sister said to get a cup UP. I swear, I could probably wear a A- cup! I mean my boobs aren't that small, I'm mostly a B and can wear C's sometimes, but .... this cut is like a tripe C or something!! Talk about killing your .... whatever .... your self image. I mean I looked down and so did fiance ... and I was like, jesus... I'm going to have to sew the cups! Then I am still contemplating buying fake boobs and sticking them under my own boobs to give some liftage! I probably won't, and will show my mom who'll help me sew ... them. *embarrassed* ...... because I'm not buying a whole new bustier!!! :) F-that! It's only the cup and my boobs are small, so I dont' have to worry about flopping out or about.... Thank god. Okay gotta get back to work. Still thinking about what card box to use and thinking about ... little things for my wedding to make it special. Lord knows when the day comes, all the things need to fall into place quick and easily or else I'll be a bridezilla (okay I am when it comes to my invites, I hate cheap paper!!!) :) It's all about how it looks! 9:29 a.m. - 2007-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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