sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish I knew It's funny, this month, alone, I have three baby showers. Today, at my first shower, I was sitting there - next to a co-worker who cannot conceive/has problems. The mother-to-be - up there opening gifts and acting as if she's the best mother to be. I sat there remembering when she first found out she was pregnant and how she wanted to abort this baby. She cheated on her boyfriend with the father, then broke it off with the boyfriend and moved the father in with her. He has (or had) no job, nothing. A bum, immature. I sat there feeling kind of angry at how this woman next to me wants children so bad (and felt even worse when another friend asked her about if she wanted kids and I FELT her sadness in her nice, but quick reply) -- anyway I felt just so.... blah about it. I know FOUR women at work who cannot conceive. It really worries and saddens me to no end. All of the sudden BABY is on the mind. I guess now as I begin trying for a baby, so I realize the stress and pain and happiness that goes into having children really is. I worry, not only for myself, but for husband and family - his and mine. I worry because I have irregular periods and never knowing when I ovulation of if I even ovulate.... It's hard to plan when there is nothing to go by. We are starting officially this month on trying. I was going to start in May or June, but with my worries, I figure I'll start now. So I've been taking my temperature every morning for the past week/2 weeks. When you see a temperature climb, I guess that means you ovulated? My temperate has climbed and I've been having sex every other day. So perhaps this will work. I also have been testing my "muscus" down there. It's very gross, but I think a tell-tale sign of ovulation. I was semi-upset last month as I missed my period. I thought I was pregnant, but I think the mind plays tricks as does your body. I just ordered ovulation strips on Ebay - 20 test strips and 5 pregnancy tests. As a woman, I can say, I will feel like a failure if I cannot have a child. I know it's not true, but I guess every woman feels like this when the baby word comes up. And I feel and relate in some ways to these barren women, who go to baby showers and unsuspecting people asking them about when they will have a child. What do you say? Right now I'm in the stage at work of ... "When are you and hubby having kids?" I have some friends who know we're trying, but still .... This is a very, scary and sad time ... I mean for folks like me, who think they COULD have an issue and I'm actually looking forward to meeting my new gyn in a week! Never thought I'd say that. But she seems someone who'll look into things - whereas my old gyn was OLD and didn't care. I was tested for PCOS - had an ultrasound and had blood work (cost me a pretty penny back then - about 3 years ago) ... and found that I do not have pcos. Though, she said I didn't, her other doctor in the office, said ... "well the tests could be negative, but you could still have it." Bitch. Thanks for putting that seed into my mind! But that doesn't make sense - so when I see my new doctor, I will spill the beans about EVERYTHING. I'm hoping, I am one who just simply is irregular. I've *never* been regular. So I'm charting it now, keeping track. So this is on my mind and I do endless research and have already boughten a book on the subject. I know I must lose weight, and I am. My friend told me that pilates is how she lost 10 lbs. So I'm thinking about changing gyms. It's funny, for me who is so afraid of not being able to conceive, I sure do find myself saying "when I get pregnant" or "by then I should be pregnant." Life is funny like that, I guess there is always a little hope. I have everyone telling me that I'm "fine" but inside, I know myself better than them, and I worry. I'm trying to stop, but ... we'll see. I just hope my surgery didn't fuck up my hormones TOO bad. I'll just keep trying and I'm excited and scared to see the new gyn - hoping she doesn't tell me the worst .... Or that I have to take tests ... or whatever...... I guess this is life, and dealing with the truth - I want to say, if I had an issue, wouldn't it have come to light at the gyn office already??? But then I realize how shitty my old doctor was, and I doubt. I know, stop thinking and just live. I'm trying, really I am. I'll update more as things ... come to light. It's just so hard to see these women who don't want kids, who are not married and are so very full of themselves get pregnant so quick and those who are so loving and giving, not be able to. Why does God do that? What does that teach us? I wish I knew. 5:40 p.m. - 2008-04-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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