sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Around. I know my period is coming ... and today I was just extremely amarous. Just like RAR. I told my guy and we emailed stuff back and forth. Him saying he wanted me so bad he couldn't think. And him saying lets go make out in the parking lot. I'm all like OOOoh yeah. So I'm like okay WHERE. And he says he doesn't know. Then he says..."maybe that'll tide YOU over until the weekend." Again, ME. Not him, no he's never so horney ... no I'm the sex maniac. Not even sex, just whatever maniac. I really HATE hate HATE that he plays that game, like he's some desirable guy that I just get wet in his presence. I cannot STAND that. I told him before I ALWAYS seem to be the one that initates any intimate things, the one who says, lets go to bed. I mean he's done it maybe once, twice? I know he wants me to be the one to say these things as I am the virgin, but come on! So Friday is our slumber night party - he said Friday/Saturday or Sat/Sun. And I think, God you think he'd want me Fri/Sat/Sun.....but...no. Maybe I'm being over sensitive, but to me I always want to be with him, which leads me to think that the relationship I want...is not what he wants. I mean...come on. I told him about me not getting the apartment ... and I kept kept waiting for him to ask me to move in. GRANTED I WOULD NOT. But still the gester is what I need....or I believe maybe it's more like a hint of where we are in our relationship. Because the things that are lacking are mostly on him. There is no romance ... no notes left, cute things done. I am the person who does that now... I'm just upset with him right now and I know he probably doesn't realize he's doing these things, but sometimes I keep thinking ... man....what if some guy hit on me somewhere? How would I react? Like today, if he was the one who was so horney, I would've found a place and gone there. I mean I bend over backwards for those I love, but him ... no. I think ... he's still hurt from wifey and hasn't let himself full go into this relationship, he's waiting for the shoe to drop. Anymore...I just don't know. Sometimes, I just sit there like...where are we going? What is going on? Why can't he be a real boyfriend? Because it hurts to say this, but fuck it ... most of the time it's like he makes me feel like he needs breaks from me...like the whole "your pick" Fri/Sat or Sat/Sun thing. Jesus Christ man, thanks. I thought boyfriends WANTED to spend time with you. I mean am I off base? Do I want a clingy boyfriend? What? He says he loves me sooo much and blah blah, but does he REALLY? When it comes down to it ... when he's asking me to pick days and never calling me ... what the FUCK ... am I so off base? Of course I won't say anything, or if I do, dance around it slowly as to not get into another fight. But...man, today I just feel like what the HELL. I'm just the girlfriend he flaunts when he can for attention, that girl on his arm or to talk about, but on the off days, don't need her. I am going to talk about the sex stuff, because I do not like how he makes me feel like the GUY in the relationship. Like he doesn' desire me...he says he does...but I don't get that feeling at all. What is FUNNY is when we first met he said he was ALWAYS ready for ... intimate stuff and wifey wasn't. Now it's like WHAT!? I beg to differ here. I need a fuck friend or something, I know I'm still new to the stuff and right now it's in vogue with me...but I feel like my needs are NOT met with that. I could get a fuck friend, but I don't want that. SO yeah life is just SHITTY right now. I just hope I get my period cause Friday we're supposed to fuck around...and I just need to get something on before I'm in lock down cause of my period. Geez, right now it's like, do I stay with him...look for a younger guy? I know if I did I'd just compare the new guy to him. Man...I wish my body would chill out. My game plan is to CHILL out with the whole sex thing, let him come to me (not that I drag him...or anything)...but let HIM be the one to kiss me and take my hands and say it's bed time, everything. Yeah Friday it's all on him. Tonight he wanted to have phone sex, and of course just for me ... fuck off, don't flatter yourself. Oh man, I'm so damn ....ugh. I really need my own apartment cause it seems whenever I "pleasure" myself someone is coming in the door and it's like ... fuck how am I going to get off with my sister or her guy around? Anyway, I have to clean myself up tomorrow morning in the shower - shaving and stuff. It's funny that when you're single you'll not shave for like a month, but when you get a boyfriend it's like everything must be PERFECT on your body. I mean shaving and plucking your eye brows. I lotion myself up after every shower so my skin is soft. I have to do checks around to make sure I don't have any freakish things on my body... ala hair in some weriod place .. or whatever. Geez, and worse of all .. Friday my guy is supposed...to go "down" ... yeah. And I'm like...so do I shower when I get to his place? Or will my female wipes be enough??? Seriously? I'm still weriod about it...I READ what guys do down there and knowing myself I hope I don't get like a porno princess and moan and shit. But I'll give him credit, he does a good job...oh my GOD I adore that feeling, that first touch down there, man alive it's like heaven. 8:56 p.m. - 2005-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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