sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary

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Thanks to you

Hi ya'll.

Well it's happend. It's gone. Yes, my virginity.

I don't feel any differently, I don't despair about it and I don't feel good about it.

It just happend ...

We were making out and had the whole "why don't you get undressed" thing where me ... I won't get naked in front of him due to being self conscious of my body.

So this moved into his bedroom. And the whole time my mind has been weriod about it all.

He asked if I was ready...I said...uh .. yeah...but not now...I mean we have to kiss more and stuff.

So he got condoms out ... more kissing and clothes strewn around and finally him into the position. Me laying there like oh my GOD, I'm doing this?

Basically I felt confused and curious and kind of scared. So he was searching for the...hole. He found it and it didn't really hurt and I was like...that's it?

So he said no he's not in yet..."oh"...so he moves to get closer and falls into me suddenly and sharply (by accident) and I let out a lil scream because it hurt like ... not really bad, but the surprise of something being shoved INTO me and then the sudden rip sensation ... kind of like taking off a bandaid really fast.

So he went limp and when nuts because he had hurt me and didn't mean to ... blah blah. And then got pissy because of .. I don't even KNOW why. Because he went limp and I yelled out because it hurt and he felt bad. So of course after that he couldn't get hard enough again to try again and he lay there and exasperated said ... "I really wanted to fuck you tonight."

Oh. Thanks. How eloquent.

So, bascially, I feel slightly upset that he A. went TO FAST. I know it was an "accident" but ... my god. I'm a virgin. My sister said he probably meant to do it or got to excited about it? And B. afterwards, it was like...I don't know what I expected, that we'd talk about it? I mean I just gave you first dibs on my coo. I mean your penis was the first to enter me. I guess that doesn't really mean anything, I'm sure other things will enter there, and his happend to be the first. I do not regret it - I mean I guess I do not hold sex in very high regards for some reason. It was a job that needed to be done and it was - done by someone I do love and care for and feel comfortable with.

Still the whole after math sucked. Tell me THANK YOU or tell me some enlightening thing to make me feel OK. Don't get mad and have me laying there wondering WHAT I DID.

So now I'm like, okay I guess just by him shoving his dick in me for less than a minute, that means I've been de-virginized?

I mean it sucked. I know it wasn't going to be GREAT. But he makes it so fucking difficult because he can't get into position and he loses his erection to fucking fast.

But anymore, I don't even KNOW what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going with him and what we are. He seems to be so fine and dandy and so sure of us. That this is it, we'll be married one day, that'll be done.

And lately, I think ... when we break up... or what if some guy comes around ... what if I leave him? What if he IS the one and I'm being dumb?

But anymore, I just feel ANGRY at him. About the divorce and the "I NEVER HAVE MONEY" thing ... I feel like I put more into the relationship than he does. I pay and pay and pay and pay for all of the bad things and clean up all of these messes and be there for him.

But...what about me? Let me be selfish, but ... what am I getting from this?

Right now, I'm not going to do anything, not going to react, just be because I need time to think about it all.

Sad thing is, I wish and pray for another guy to come around so I could have something to jump from ... and something to jump to. I'm addicted to the love and the relationship feeling. I don't want to be without it, I'm not unhappy, but not exactly happy anymore.

I'm confused and just need time.

I wonder if he feels the same. I think I'm great, that perfect girlfriend. Can cook, clean and love love love. Will be there, will bend over backwards, would do anything if only asked for. Anything you want, I'll help you, try for it, get it.

Somehow he doesn't translate into that. No, I'm only good for a one nights stay, once a week. Me driving there. Me the planner, me saying let me cook you dinner. Me saying, lets clean up your yard. Me saying, tell me about your job, life, worries. Me me me.

So, yes, thinking, I am doing that and watching from the sidelines for SOME sign on to what to do and what to think and if I'm just being stupid.

This all started, this new thinking...when he got a hold of my diary. The invasion of privacy. ME saying SORRY to him for HIM reading it...what the shit was I thinking say I was sorry for my own thoughts?!

Me. What have I become with him? Me bending over and walking on egg shells to please him and not upset him ... me me me...and never, him. Fuck that.

This isnt' me and now, it's all so clear that I have stopped being like that.

It is time for him to placate me with these things.

Or ... sorry to say ...I will look elsewhere because he is NOT THE END ALL. I'm to young to settle, not now...not ever.

Somehow, I think that Kelly Clarkson song "Since you've been gone" song will one day be my anthom.

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"Since You've Been Gone"

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone