sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why am I so fucked up? It's been a crazy day. I worked cleaning out the basement and hurt my back on the left side and my hip on the right side of my body. Therefore I felt kind of crippled all day and cranky cause I just feel tired. Like I go to sleep and sleep for 10 mins and then boom it's time to do it all over again. Anyway, so today I'm just pissed off at my boyfriend and being overly critical for shit for no reason. I hate when I get like this. He didn't call me last night - see he wrote me this letter about how he got in a fight w/wifey and I wrote back how it sounds ... major breakthrough as I told him I know he still has feelings about that situation, though I know he would never leave me. Overall, it was a THIS IS HOW IT LOOKS/IS email and one that I know is making him THINK. So no call last night, which hurt my feelings because I was so worried I had said to much, and he called yesterday to say his email bounced back and that was it. I mean hello, this major breakthrough and he doesn't even call me? I was upset about it. Today I was fuming as to how he never fucking calls me and never pays attention to me. I mean I'm the one always bending over backwards and the one driving out to his fucking area, not once has he came here for anything. I'm just TIRED of it all right now. I think I need a break - I mean I just need time to think right now and there is no way to nicely tell him this when I find myself flipping that he has not called me yet ... etc. I mean I need to disassociate myself right now because I realized that I just don't know myself anymore. More like, who is this girl? Where did tough shit, fuck guys Jen go? I remember a time where I would say...I'd drop a guy like that...and now...It's the other side of the coin. Seemingly, it's lacking, right now. And I don't know what to do, is this normal? I wonder. Then I don't want to know that answer and just believe I'm being over stressy again and again. Regardless, anyway. I've eaten so well this week, last night I lay there thinking for a moment how shitty I've been eating - a late thought that I used to have - until I realized that I've eaten within my WW points and have also exercised and drank a lot of water - no pop. It was kind of strange to see my old self there, scared that now I realized that it's there and has such a strong voice in my head. That voice that says to stay put, don't change, deal with it all. So hard to defy that self-inner demon we all have. Sometimes it's better to just give in and just sit a while. I don't know what I'm doing right now, just losing weight and just trying to come to some decision as to what to do with my life. Once again I'm fucked up and unsure of what I want and where I want to go - just sure that what I have now isn't cutting it. That I've worked so hard ... and yet...I don't know. Why am I so fucked up? 7:47 p.m. - 2005-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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