sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yet It feels odd having to type in a new user/password. I think it's the whole password thing cause it's all numbers and remember numbers is sort of hard. So this past weekend was kind of nice. Friday workguy came over and we had lasagna, laughs, etc. I know I wrote about this already, maybe I'm "recapping." Yeah no kiss, just a hug. And he forgot the plate of lasagna I made up for him to take with him. He did bring a bottle of wine, to which we both drank the whole thing (2 glasses each) and I felt a lil' buzzed and talked to much, talked stupid. Cursed WAY TO MUCH. Embarassed, but I do that when I get nervous. Mostly the things he said about my ex and the way I know my ex and his slippery ways, I felt the need to change my diary - it is way to easy for him to tell workguy of my old diary and I can see him taking him back to his place to "read" it, though I don't think workguy would have it. I slightly worry what my ex could say about me, but workguy, I don't think he'd listen. I'm not worrying as I did nothing wrong. However I think ex is worried as he should be, the way he treated me, and workguy knows how stupid he is in "love" or whatever you call it. I told workguy, look I'm not hung up on him. He said, "oh I know you're not." I thought it was telling when he asked me if he thought my ex still liked me. I said, "I don't think he ever liked it, it was just infatuation." Regardless, I feel good about workguy. I like to hang out with him and he makes me overly nervous when I think of kissing him due to HIS nervousness. But I think this is the fourth date now, and two hugs later ...it's not cutting it. I think the words are said and told enough. Now it's the passion/intimacy part that needs to be awakened to really know if it's going to work out. I'm not talking sex, just ... small stuff. Slow stuff, cause I know he wants to go slow. I can't really see hands and fingertip stuff going on, sad that I'm used to going right off the bat with messing around. And true, this way, he is getting to know ME first, then intimacy. That's how it should be. Not like fireman who got to know my body first, and now is knowing me first. Still I lean towards workguy, I'm not sure why. We just are comfortable with each other, we flirt, but both make each other shy. That hurdle is going to be a big one, but all it takes is just one small kiss to begin the downfall into whatever. It's like a drug and we're not yet addicted, yet we are curious enough to try it. I think last time he contemplated kissing me, but the timing was off, and yeah. So this Saturday he's invited me over for pizza/movie. I figure that would be a perfect time - or I'll have to do that "are you ever going to kiss me?" forwardness I really dislike doing, but feeling I have nothing to lose. I'm making him some cookay's - for "dessert" ... and I'm going to have him sit next to me when we're watching the movie. You know me and movies though, I always seem to end up making out or having sex whenever I watch a movie with a guy. I think this guy is different. Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Emotional and me...I think I lack the sensitivity, the emotion anymore. Desensitized by the past two months, my own doing. Still I don't regret and know that it was probably wrong, but eh. Cop is out of the picture. I still think about him and figure it should take maybe another week or so to entirely forget the man. Locking my diary, I kept reading snippets about him, even from the beginning. I mean it's hard to read that and then try to forget or reason why it happend and turned out the way it could. I keep thinking of the last time - which was a WEEK AGO that we had sex and I was laying there looking at the ceiling fan wondering who was going to break it off first and why. I think I knew. I saw him that night for the first time too. We combusted, I say and no longer do I feel that need to "mess around" anymore. Not sure what happend. I think I simply got it out of my system? I think it was my birth control that really egged on me .... I feel back to normal now, seriously. Really no side effects except for occassional nausea - still shortness of breath, SOME heart palpitations, but nothing to bad and it seems to be getting better. I scoff that in two weeks I'll have my period yet again. Argh. I hope it's not as messy as it was last time. I'm considering finally trying tampons. I've never much liked...putting a cotton plug in me, and am unsure as to just how often to change it, or if it's really messy or whatever? I guess I'll try it, borrow some from my sister and see how it goes. I figure I think there's been ENOUGH shit up that area this year that some cotton is just a day in the park. Ha. Regardless, I sent off a package to fireman today. I got him what he asked for: a sweathshirt (fleece lined, nice - on sale at Target!), beef jerky, granola bars, calling card (136 min one) and that's it. I figure he's spent enough money alone calling me from Iraq - that I could send him this lil package. It was only $8 to send - which will get to Texas (I think) and then they'll ship it to Iraq. Not sure how long it'll take - it took 10 days - 14 days for my CARD to get to him. A package? I told fireman he'll probably get it before he leaves in December! So he has a little less than two months before he comes home. I do want to see him, a last hurrah? Maybe it'll be more by then, maybe not. Not sure, but mostly I feel maybe I've grown a lil apart from him thanks to workguy. Again I feel the need to see him and date him before he goes back. I do like him. In some way, I do. Maybe this is to prove to myself something. I also know we'll end up having sex again. I feel wiser now, but I'm okay with doing that again because like I said I do like him and hell he's already a notch on my ol' bed, so not like anything with change except two people getting off. Kinda like a welcome home gift. Plus we really did have fun that last time, it was really passionate. I enjoyed it. I enjoy him too. He fasinates me, the way the throws around his money so freely. Though I refuse to let the man buy me anything ... it's just odd to be with someone who you don't have to worry about making next months bills just because they took you out. We both are kind of the same, except I'm feeling non-committal with him, well with anyone right now. But I figure I also do not want either of them to know that I date others, cause if they date others I don't want to know either. Though I know both are not. Maybe that's a smug feeling for me, but at the same time fireman could go date around and I wouldn't care, however workguy I would slightly care. Ha. Oh well, back to the gym this week - and also back to saving money as I am broke as hell again. I get paid next weekend - and all of that goes to rent. That means I'll have about $400 dollars to live on (take away gas, groceries) ... for about 3 weeks. I feel slightly scared, thankfully have $800 in savings? Or maybe it's $600....anyway incase of emergency. Also need to cut up credit card - ala no more buying anything on it - I put my bridesmaid dress on it, and target purchase - so now it must be $500 dollars to $600!!! Fuck. And Christmas is coming up too. Yikes. Also bills are coming up: cell and electric. So it's slip pickin's for a while I believe. I wish that fucking FREELANCE asshole would decide and pay me my $200 dollars. I desperately need that cash right now. I think I'd put it all on Visa. So I know I got in the "red" dude to last month: hair visit $110 and then buying clothes $60 and then putting $100 on visa. Yikes. Oh well, I'll survive, but Christmas is scaring me a lot. I really do not know what to do as lack of funds haunts me, I have to get something for NEW people this year: sister, HER fiance and HIS KID, work people (fuck!), and guy(s) in my life. Shit. I think I might be "crafty" again this year or start buying stuff I see now. Or whatever. It's funny to think about it now, but I know with my monay situation, what else am I to do? I pray my parents give me money - they gave my sister and I I think $1,500 last year. I'll be happy with $500 this year. Something. *Sigh* I just emailed work guy about the wedding and seeing if he could go. No email yet. .... I pray he goes. Really, it'd be wonderful but I feel odd cause ......I dunno. I asked him Fri. if he was waiting for "games night" and he laughed and said...no no...but for his uncle/cousin and some family thing and whatever. And that he'd let me know this week? Just tell me dude, please I hate wondering about it. No email yet. 9:14 a.m. - 2005-10-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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