sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lead to? I thought about what Girlie said - the note she left. It's funny how odd relationships are. I am 100% busy at work today and my mind has been floating in and out of this whole relationship/intimacy thing. Can't rush things like that. And if you do rush it, it ruins it. Then I considered, or should consider, that this is all I've known in my relationships. First date with my ex involved kissing and by the fourth date I was spending the night. Then considering cop. Then fireman, who is so turned around by sleeping with me, and then getting to know me. Now me and fireman are in a weriod area. We know each other, but feel weriod when we see each other again after four months. He called me last night, by the way. He is upset because they moved him to a different location, therefore more duties and he cannot call me as he did before. I said it was okay ... and I joked that he wanted to get rid of me. Big mistake. So we chatted and I learned he was somehow abused sexually when he was younger, something that he can't tell me yet, but in that area. I felt odd to hear him say that, and sound so..vulnerable. He said, don't you think it's odd how I make sure you're okay when we're being intimate? I kind of noticed, he was very ... hands off whenever I made even a hint at being uncomfortable. I feel strange on this new fact of his. Very odd. And him saying how much he trusted me when we first met, he felt something instantly. I didn't feel whatever he felt. Still...back to my original observation. I think I feel there is something wrong, or that work guy doesn't like me due to him not wanting me in that way. I guess I've learned to put sexuality in front of getting to know someone. But that's how I was taught, in my own defense. I thought that was just how it went. But alas, I am trying to learn from this, change? Sometimes I feel like work guy just isn't there, his heart isn't in it. But in fact, I think it's the whole trust thing. Because I feel fireman doesn't trust me full heartedly and with good reason. Work guy doesn't trust me, maybe a little, but not fully. And I do not expect him to this fast, so quick. That would definately led to hurt. So granted, yes, I do admire him ... a lot for his getting to know me. I really do and should cool these jets of mine. But please understand when I was sort of "taught" in that manner, it's hard to stray into this whole "getting to know" stage and then fall gracefully into intimacy. I should be happy that last time he was the one that initiated a hug. Maybe I'm the one moving to fast and maybe I'm acting uncaring and not really in want of this type of committment? I dont know. I just know, for my sake, my learning, that something does happen. Tonight, I hope he holds my hand at least. I don't ask much, really. Just show some emotion towards me. I know these looks he has, and blushes. But... Okay I will chill out a little. I just feel I rush it and ruin it. Fireman asked me to go on vacation with him on his next trip home .. in spring sometime. I said maybe, and feel ... I don't know anymore how I feel about him. I do like him. I know that much. But last night, I told him I wasn't looking to date anyone else (had some conversation about dating or something) and he said, whoa watch out it almost sounds like you're committing. So I said, do we have to talk about this again. At that point (kind of like a soap opera) someone walked in and needed to use the phone. I said we'd talk about it later. I really, feel confused right now. Definately not wanting a relationship right now. I told him this. He doesn't know about work guy and work guy doesn't know about him. I'm dating though. They don't need to know. I figure each deserves a chance. And I feel like lord will I "end up" with one of these men? I keep day dreaming of this fantastic, wonderful dream guy to find me and I'll dump them both and live happily ever after. Somehow I do not see this happening. Somehow, whatever, I just ... feel like maybe my life is built on settling. I've settled for this job I'm in and why not settle on a man? I know that's wrong, but somehow my options anymore. Anymore I'm so confused. I hate this feeling. I feel like crying today for some reason. I see work guy tonight and feel happy about this and timid due to me thinking and knowing what girlie says is true/right. Now I feel like the bad person, for once, in a relationship. I'm the bad guy. Suddenly, maybe I am to fireman too. Do I lie and deceive them both and cloak that by saying we're not committed, or are we really? Not sure, but I need to sleep and relax this weekend. Tomorrow I'm not sure if I'm supposed to see work guy again - as we were supposed to meet up. Tonight, I will just look at him, for real and w/o expectations. Let us go with the flow and I think so, right now, that we've really gotten to know each other. What more is there, all these words and miles of talk. Where does these lead to? 1:51 p.m. - 2005-10-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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