sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- of the world. I had a wonderful time with workguy last night. We went and saw Saw 2. I bought the tickets as he had paid for dinner last time. I didn't mind to much. We got our seats and talked. We always seem to get into odd and "deep" conversations about things. The movie started and he didn't hold my hand, but prior would touch my arm or leg whenever he made a joke, etc. I didn't flinch or say anything ... and just kind of let him go on. After the movie, in the parking lot we both tried to decide where to go for dinner. I said, you know we can go to fast food ... or I told you we can go to my place for pizza. I thought he would shoot down my notion but said ... "okay." Me: shocked and me thinking, I didn't really clean up at all thinking he'd say no. So back to my place I put in a frozen pizza and we talked and watched a lil tv - note him sitting away from me, always on the other side. Me, I sat there listening. And he's about eye contact, and me, I'm trying to do it, but get shy on it. So look away, look down and etc. But he talked about relationships and other people and how he's told others, etc. He's all about getting to know you before messing around. I felt slightly embarassed at me thinking that you should begin messing around on the first date. However thought a small kiss, no frenching, on the second date would be okay. Though here we were on our fourth date, now a month of dates in our pockets and him standing there nervous ... we stood by my door and I leaned up against the wall and we talked for 45 more minutes. My ex popped into the conversation through out the night (note, not by me) but him saying, "I can't believe he treated you like that." I said it wasn't all bad and I hoped it'd get better. It was sad, in a weriod way, hearing myself talk about it. More tragic to hear the words escape my lips of how sad and depressed I was most of the time, how everyone knew. How I kept hoping it'd get better and how if I only shaped myself to fit his needs that it would get better and how it didn't. I told him about the last straw, etc. I kind of felt upset talking about it. He said he knew something was wrong early ... at two parties that we all attended and how sad I looked and I didn't talk to anyone and how my ex just left me there. I said I was stupid, and had faith and hope and was so innocent in that relationship. But that I learned so so much. So he was enduring and I think I touched him with the words I said, their ... tragic overtone, how upset I was becoming talking it about it. I felt like crying after talking about it because I wondered if I'd said to much. But he was good and said, at least you learned from it. At least you have family and friends that tried to help you out. I also learned, well I'd known already, but that workguy was abused as a child. His father is from Italy --- not an excuse but --- is "old skool" .... It was sad to hear and I wanted to give him a hug and comfort him. I think at that moment, I knew I liked him more than I thought I did. So he was ready to leave, and yet another hug, yet a better deeper one instead of the get off me hug. So he walked out and I leaned on the door and said, "you know, you're going to have to kiss me one of these times." I said it w/o any hesitation. Hearing that come from my own lips was odd and he looked at me and stepped forward and I said, "look you don't have to do it now, but I'm just putting it out there. But go at your own pace, don't let me rush you, just go at your own pace." He looked at me, and I thought dude it's perfect moment...but he didn't. He laughed and I threw him off with this. I joked about him asking me out on Halloween as that was his plan - if I hadn't asked him out originally, he was going to ask me out with a note! So high school. That's a shy guys way, I'm a hi-tech shy girl and asked him out in an email. So I joked and asked if he was still going to pass me a note. And he laughed again and said no, he has to do something else because I'd be expecting that. I can't fathom what he could do, but it was cute and I felt like I really liked him and had a connection suddenly with him, last night. I think it was there and feeling like this waiting and anticipation was surely to lead to something good. In this, I shut the door and felt nothing suddenly for fireman and wondered how to let him go, to tell him goodbye. Then felt ashamed for thinking that so easily just because of a good date. No. Fireman deserves and I owe him December. I feel like I have to at least see how it goes. How being with another guy will seem. Lord. I feel a lot right now. Feel excited about Monday. What is so great is I'm finally excited again about seeing someone. I can't wait to be with him again. Lord I need to keep these emotions in check. But this excitement, this innocent excitement of being with him. I like this feeling. Though now, kissing him, I can see Monday - while I'm at his house and we're watching TV whatever, is the perfect time for us. I feel nervous, all this build up, lord. Why am I so nervous?? It's the anticipation. Or else another hug. Oh man. Not those still. Ha. Oh well, I know it seems like I've made up my mind...but I will keep my emotions in check. I can't do this to fireman after planning for our December for so so long. And 4 dates in with work guy, I can't suddenly tell fireman goodbye on a hunch that workguy and I will have a real relationship .... Be wary still Jen, cause it sounds like I'm headed to hurt ville if I continue to look blindly and make quick decisions. I must chill out a lil. Also I am going to ask for a new birth control pill I think. I've been very paranoid, nausea, headaches, etc. lately. It's gotten pretty bad today. I feel crazy and just mad at the world for no reason. Also am feeling depressed though right now I feel happy? Also work guy, wonderful man who I know, finally cares for me by telling me excitedly that someone is changing jobs by him and moving out to where I'm at, which means a job open for me to try to get. He told me, to keep it quiet. But he told me...that's the thing. He was so excited for me and the possiblity of me moving finally into a different position. I could've kissed him right there for telling me. But like I said, in my state with these pills ... my snappish self, was slightly bitter as I said, they'll probably fucking hire someone else like they always do. Sorry work guy. I didn't mean that, I'm just so up and down and right now. I feel this depression coming on very strongly. I don't know why because I've nothing to be depressed about. I feel it though. I hope I snap out of it. I have one more week on the pill, then my period. Then I go get another pill pack and then go in to the gyn and get my blood pressure, etc. taken. Also, I did NOT gain weight from my crazy eating thing the past week. It was odd to see. I'm happy about this and do have stretch marks so oddly am losing again, somehow. I don't mind, but feel slightly very ... not myself. SNAP OUT OF IT already I keep thinking. 5:32 p.m. - 2005-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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