sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- realize Argh. I just got in a fight with my mom on the phone. Jesus FUCKING CHRIST. She's so controling. She asked about work guy and I told her. And the conversation floated into fireman talk. She flips out saying that I'm going to lose work guy if I decide to meet with fireman! I said how would he even KNOW and we're *not committed!* She said that stuff gets around. Ar. Like anyone ever fucking KNOWS. She said who cares about committment, who do you like more, why even mess with fireman. I wanted to scream because SHE doesn't know, like I can be that cold to CUT OFF SOMEONE so easily. I told her I'll make MY OWN DECISIONS and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She said fine and that she had to go and she hung up on me. What-the-FUCK-EVER. She lives in some DREAM WORLD. And comes to her own decisions about what I should do and if I don't do it her way she gets mad and shit and ignores me (won't talk to me). Fuck this I'm not saying ANYTHING about work guy nor fireman when she asks. I'll say "he's fine." So I'm up in arms kind of because now I feel like I should dump fireman - but feel guilt is in the way - like I'm jumping the gun. I feel like I lead him on with making plans for dates in December. But I meant it before, but then I met work guy and since then, fireman has turned into COP ... me unemotional about it. I mean how can I do that to him?? I know telling him afterwards is just as hard. Part of me DOES want to see him. The other part, sees, work guy and last time, the seriousness of him and his intent. When he was standing there saying he wanted to call me more and would be more ... whatever. Trying so hard. I didn't expect to get to this weriod area so quick with him. I figured he'd just date me and we'd not talk like we do. I don't know what I expected, but feel like right now, he's trying to get closer. And ... in that, I feel guilty for talking to fireman and telling fireman I'm excited to see him. How can I tell him ... that ... I don't feel like that anymore? Or that I do want to see him, but not in relationship format - just ... what ... friends? Fuck friends? And in that, why do I feel like that is cheating on work guy? I'm so messed up in my head right now, I'm not going to think about it, I'm going to get to the gym and work off this anger and stress. Then go to the grocery store and then back here. Maybe I'll be clearer, but right now, I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I can't decide on anything, not with this shakey ground. Funny, tomorrow is Halloween, which is the day my ex asked me out. Tomorrow work guy is coming into my work and then we're going to go to his house for date number 5. I have to somehow tell fireman. Something. In a way ... anything. Another talk. Stop leading him on, making him realize. Maybe we'll both realize. 11:19 a.m. - 2005-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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