sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time takes time Happy Halloween everyone. It came to quick this year didn't it? Can you so believe tomorrow is Nov. 1? I sure as hell can't! A lot of people came dressed up to work. I have my victorian costume - but it's in Michigan and me, not feeling much like wearing itchy crinoline with many layers, not to mention trying to go to the bathroom with a long skirt on. Yikes. Maybe next year I'll do that. I am proud of the bonnet I made, now that came out really great looking. Though did cost a lot to make ... velvet ... lace ... yikes. Actually the velvet was cheap, I bought it off of ebay I think. Then made a sash for my waist. Hm. Anyway, it's going to rain today, which sucks tonight for the kids. I wish it'd hold off. I'm going with work guy to his place - I pray I can leave at 4:30 at least, my thing is they give me obits so fucking LATE - they are never on time - on Mondays. So work guy is coming here around 3 ish to join in the festivities at work and say Hi to me and then go talk with his friends, etc. I am wondering if he decided to do anything "special" the whole note thing, I hope he does something because to me it's pretty frickin' funny that he was going to do that originally - if I hadn't asked him out. He's so shy, so friggin shy, yet thought he could give me a note and walk away w/o me opening it. Ha! Then I'd have to go find him to tell him, lord that would've been something. I don't see why he just didn't email me ... like I did to him. That's always easier isn't it? Oh well, who cares, I'm just happy we're "dating" and lately I finally feel ... for him. Care? I cared before, but now, I realized how much closer we were when I wanted to grab him and comfort him when he told me about being abused. Abused as in hitting/beatings/mental from his father - maybe that's why he's shy ... ? But he also dated before, had girlfriends - albeit seemingly not a lot ... I sit there wondering how many girls he's been with sexually? One? He went to catholic school ... I can't see him sleeping around. Especially since he has not dated since his divorce two years ago. When you look at his time span, I don't think he's dated a lot, nor has had any more then his wife as a sexual partner. Not that I'm judging him, simply saying. Hell I didn't date a lot, at all, until last year. Which also when you think about it, has not yet been a year since I lost my virginity and disgustingly enough I've racked up three partners. I shant make the same mistakes I've made before with that ... I'll give work guy credit, in this brief time, he's taught me a lot.... I'm sure he doesn't know it, but he makes me want to be a better person with dating. He makes me want a family and kids and to settle down. He doesn't know this. Maybe I've taught him to be more confident? Telling him that he's cute and best of the lot in his friends and not giving himself enough credit. I hope I've helped him somehow. I keep thinking, lord no wonder he is hesitant - not due to divorce, but when you haven't been in a relationship that involves touching, kissing, etc. it's difficult to jump back in. I know it - as when I started dating my ex, it was awkward at first to do anything. I didn't want him to touch me and felt like work guy, shy, nervous. But God I wanted to do it - kiss, touch so badly. I just was so shy. So I figure maybe that is how work guy is, waiting until that moment where you just say fuck it and let yourself go. Then once you do it, it's easy and you never give it a second thought. Like our hugs, how they've changed, which makes me laugh. At first it was nervous and then now it was more tender and a second longer linger ... while I'm pulling away and he's still holding on. He must just love to wait for the things I say after it ... "still in the hug stage ... you know you have to kiss me sometime ... do I have to make all the moves....." Just add to my list of ... stupid things, I say it gives him confidence, if he's unsure if I want a kiss, he now knows. But I find myself very afraid and nervous to kiss him the first time. I wasn't before, but now I am - not scared that I can't do it well, but scared and nervous because I know he is. I don't want him to think I expect anything or ... will judge his smooching. Or only doing it because I asked last time. I guess I just want him to do this on his own free will, not because I want him too. Though, I cannot see the boy doing anything he's not ready to do. I'll probably be the one who'll suddenly turn shy when it finally happens. Ha. Oh well I'm not expecting it ... and just hope he's not feeling like tonight is the night, though sitting together watching a movie always seems to be the golden make out time for me. But who knows, maybe he's planned out something. Ha. He is a cancer after all and they are known to make out scenerios in their minds. I can imagine. I feel like tonight ... is the night ... that he'll make da move. I just have a feeling. I feel slightly nervous right now, but at the same time not expecting this and hope it'll be a pleasant surprise. If not, it's okay. There's time isn't there? I don't know, last time, I think we both finally felt something. Comfort maybe. Still we're stand offish. Lord what will happen when intimacy is thrown into our mix? Will we change? Regardless, still no word from fireman. Last time we talked was Friday? Or maybe Thursday. That boy is making a grand exit in my heart and mind. Maybe he knows it, now, already. This sudden lack of communication has really turned it off. He might be still thinking it's all fine, but right now...I don't know. I just tend to not want to answer my phone or check yahoo anymore. Haven't talked to my mom or sister yet today. Am hoping not to because still am hurt by my mom's stupid words. I wish she'd let me make my own choices, if I fall and fuck up, that's my doing. Not hers. And to tell me what to do in relationships, that's just wrong. She knows it, but yet she's the one mad at me and she's the one who hung up on me and I'm the one that stupidly let her know about it. I so badly want to say mom it's my life. Please. Also to stop thinking I'm so innocent. I'm not the same girl I was 2 years ago in Michigan. I'm not the same girl I was last year. I'm not exactly seasoned, but now, I think I'm adult - finally - with the things I've been through, I finally feel grown up. I want to say I've had sex. I've been used. I've used others. And now. I'm trying to find something that I might have been looking for .. for a long time - an entirely meaningful relationship. Something. I'm still learning and deciding. Breaking from one -night stand Jen to relationship smart Jen. It's hard to relearn, but I'm trying and will eventually dump fireman. Maybe that's happend already in my heart. I feel like I'm falling for work guy suddenly. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check to keep myself from anything that could happen, though if he'd go away and suddenly change his heart, I think right now that'd really hurt ... I hate to think of that. So I guess I just need time and understand. Things my mom nor sister are not will to give me or back off with. In that, I'm going to stay away from them ... for the time being. I need to shape this on my own, without their help. My mom was already asking for work guy to come to dinner with us on Friday, to fast. My sister was going to come over on last Friday night to my apartment (she has my extra keys) ... without telling me ... cause she wants to meet work guy. There's a problem. I see this now. I need to stand away for a while. I can't let them intrude my life like this. Time takes time. 9:10 a.m. - 2005-10-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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