sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- that's okay Another good time with work guy. I said, again, to much. I told him nearly everything about me and my ex - merely because he asked a few things. I told him I'd lost my virginity to him, but he was a complete asshole about it. That I was stupid thinking he'd change. I poured myself out to him. It was odd to say the least and I felt in saying these things how foolish I've been the past few months, year. He knows a little about cop, slightly about fireman. Doesn't know I still talk to fireman. Speaking of fireman haven't heard from him at all. Am seriously thinking about cutting it off - but not sure just HOW to do it. IM?? Email? Phone? I'm just ... I don't know. Work guy has me feeling and seeing how foolish I was before. And fireman is part of that, and when he comes in December, won't I just be going back into my stupid ways? Anyway, I went to work guys house - which was very dated, however clean and sparse in furniture/things. His kitchen was clean, very clean. He'd cleaned for my arrival. I could tell, he took the time. We handed out candy and I told him about how my birth control was making me so paranoid thinking people were trying to kill me and shit and my bout of depression on Sunday. He told me a lil about his family and his sister who is bulmic and has been since high school, she's 26 now and still doing it - she's skin and bones he says. To me, she's not going to live that much longer if she's that thin and doing that to herself. I guess she gets help, but it doesn't work, etc. He seems to have been through a lot in his life. We ordered pizza and watched tv and I talked to much about my stupid past. I don't know why, I hate to play the victim, but I don't lie and the things my ex did to me, was pretty bad. He said he knew something was wrong at my ex's going away party. He said everyone knew it. I said I cried nearly every day at the end and was depressed. I say I don't fully blame him, it was my fault for staying and putting up with it. I don't know why I stayed and why I let it happen. I said I needed a sign to let me fully know. Just like with fireman, I'm tired of that deal, yet still feel like I should "hold on" merely because it's a fuck. Yes, sex. I feel stupid saying that and work guy would completely disown me should he ever know that I will only see fireman for more sex - nothing more - just that. But now I'm feeling like I don't want anyone else, which is making me want to tell fireman to go away, screw the sex. Last night work guy said something ... he said you know you call sex ... fucking or screwing...but not what it should be ...love. I agreed in that I've never had sex emotionally. With my ex it was to nervous and him getting mad at me for going limp and then not talking to me. The next time he went limp again and couldn't get into position right. Always my fault.... Then with fireman and cop, it was just simply sex. Though on the verge of me actually feeling was with cop ... I felt that for an instant, but it didn't last. Now I'm curious about emotional, love, sex. I look at work guy who says it takes a big committment for sex and lots of trust, he said months. I wanted to say, is that what you believe, or because you're scared? He finally said he hasn't dated .... in years ... got divorced and he didn't want to jump back in again. I said I think things have changed. It seems all physical now and then emotional. He thinks it's friendship, emotional, then intimacy. I agreed and felt so fucking foolish for telling him about my sorted past few months of debachorary with men and one night stands. I said I learned from it, and will never do that again. He said he's not here to judge me, it's the past and I learned from it. Still I feel embarassed and wish I'd not told him, but he's that easy to pour myself out into. He asked who knew these things I told him. I said only my sister ... but not all of it. He asked why I decided to ask him out. He asked about my parents. His mom knows and wants him to be careful and wary. I wanted to say, what she doesn't like me already? I wondered what he'd told her, or if she was just making sure he wouldn't be hurt again. I kept thinking how hard it'll be to meet his family should we come to this. His father not all the way there due to strokes and his bulmic sister, and the mother that takes care of both of them. I told him last night he'd probably be my date to my sisters wedding and he said he'd definately go with me to that. So right now I feel odd telling him what I did. I guess maybe this is the "test" to see if he could take these skeletons in my closet. I told him I'm truthful and can't lie very well. I detest being lied to. Right now I just feel at odds. This weekend we're both busy. No plans were made for the next date, so I'm not sure what's going to happen, maybe take a lil break until next week? Not sure. Oh and he got me flowers - yesterday - at his house. It was cute and he was shy about it and I was embarassed and yeah. Anyway, ya'll wondering if he made any moves? Well I told him to sit next to me on the couch - which that was about sitting a lil closer, but enough room between us to put a loaf of bread. He did the ol' touch of the leg when he says something silly. I touched his hand to see if they were rough or smooth. They were oddly very soft. Other than that, he walked me out to his car and I knew there was no possiblity of a kiss as he was sniffling all night. So he hugged me and held on more tender? Like an "intimate" hug - of type and I hugged him lightly and turned my head. Whoa. Split second hug. And I said, "still in the hug stage" and he was ready and said I think I'm getting a cold or else I would .... and I said, I know, how about a kiss on the cheek? And he kissed my cheek kind of high up and put his hand on my arm. Whoa. I was like, that's a start. At least. But hearing in how shy he is with women (he told me this) and how slow he wants to take it. I know a full kiss will take ... a while. Making out? even longer. Unless the boy learns that I'm not going to hurt him. He said he's afraid of getting hurt and I looked at him and said "(insert his name) Do you think I'm going to hurt you? I'm not going to hurt you." He looked kind of ... like it clicked suddenly ... like maybe feeling like he had to give me a chance. I really dislike waiting, but I respect him for this and I tell him he's like how I was before I met my ex. But said he needs to overcome this. I think we're getting to that point, I mean ... I can see it sometimes. But then he pulls back. Or I do. I don't know. Right now, I think we need some thinkin' time. I saw him Friday and then Monday. To quick of a thing. I think maybe we should skip this weekend as Friday I'm busy w/ my parents. Then Sat is the wedding. Sunday I think we both have errands to do, but possibly could do something, but I'm not making the date. So. Hm. I'm letting it lie for now because I'm just to nutty to think about it. I just know each time ... I don't know. We push and pull and soon I think there'll be a realization in us both. The boy got really comfy last night and we chatted about sex briefly. I couldn't help but say about ex and how he acts like a don juan but really isn't. I made him laugh by telling him about some things (probably said to much again) ... while he never talks about those things with his ex's. I guess I need to learn this, and stop talking about other guys I've been with. I don't know why I do, nervous talk. I am going to stop that ..I have to for myself and for him. Anyway, *Sigh* I feel still odd with him. I guess I'm not used to this rate of romance. Flowers was a nice touch, and I didn't quite know what to expect. I should've hugged him at that point. I was just duhr. Still I guess I feel like I should put the gas on and suddenly ask for comittment and kisses, etc. But I'm not. I think this slowness is good for us both. This is how it ought to be. It's just weriod when you get the good stuff how easily you want to toss in the bad and rev up the engine and crash and burn. It's such a fragile thing, beginning relationships. I told him last night, starting over and beginning new relationships is the best thing, a clean slate, getting what you want and being selfish (not in a bad way, but picky?). Still the boy, makes me laugh how free and easy he is until you inch closer and suddenly he's back in that shell. I feel I have to push him slightly, carefully. Not pressure, but playful. I say, a kiss on the cheek is a start, hugs are starts. Inching your way in, because I think if it goes to fast, it'll mess up everything. We're taking what we can get emotionally right now and another heart ache isn't on our menu. But for now, he might not see it, but should this stop suddenly it'll hurt, heartache entailed. I feel he's pulling back on this feeling, but also letting himself go a lot. We've still got ways to go. That's okay. 9:41 a.m. - 2005-11-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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