sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lose that. Sorry to update twice but I have a bittersweet news flash. They have a job open now where I work, suddenly, in graphic art, where I can possibly - probably - go to. Great news huh? I just applied and everyone knows I want it. The bitter part: it's working in a different office, yes the office where work guy is located. See I work in a seperate office right now - meaning we never see each other. So if I should get this job - meaning a raise and now creative work instead of boring nothing monkey work - the only draw back is having to work in a very small office, with *him probably inches away.* Me: relationship killer. I'm so worried about this, but I have to do this for my career. I'm just so frickin' flippin' worried because seeing me everyday, talking to me everyday, I'm sure outside of work it'll be different. While inside work, it will be awkward to say the least. I'm praying this girl in the office here wants to move out there, at least then I'll have a chance to stay here. Or else, I won't get either and stay in this job. But realizing this, was very hard. I really like work guy and suddenly in his face and him in mine, daily. I'm scared. So maybe nothing will happen and they won't hire me or I'll stay here. I just realized I don't want to ruin something that I really think could be something wonderful ... so quick to extinguish that glow simply by to much face time and the grouchiness and the ups and downs and all of that. Maybe we could work through it, but should we "break up" lord, I'd be working inches from him. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, but right now I feel slightly upset at the thought of suddenly this ending. Maybe he does to, maybe it'll be okay as he met his wife at work - she worked in the same building - so eh. I was looking at the flowers he got me today at lunch while I was at home and kept thinking he thought of me to get these. He did this, for me. Still, can't say this doesn't cast a shadow on otherwise fantastic news. Lord, me, with a raise. Making 30,000? I'll be happy as a clam to be able to save money. I'll take 28 even. I just raised up my health ins. from $8 a pay check, now to $38 dollars so I get off on my prescriptions. Hopefully I'll get my card quick so I can use it when I have to buy my next back of BC. Next week is the dreaded WHITE PILL .. ala period. It's odd to say that next week I will definately be on the rag when before I never, ever knew. I also am going to request a different pill as this one I have a lot of side effects it seems. Am also going to try maybe tampons this time. Ick, I hate to think of sticking that, there like that, but hell if they work and I can sleep better w/o feeling like I'm going to ruin yet another pair of undies or have to wash my sheets for the second time in a week ... I'll do it. I'm going to buy a "multi-pack" and "test them out." Eh.... Lord, this job, right now, would be so fucking wonderful, I hope I get something, dream come true and so so so in need of more money right now ... really. That's an extra $500 a month!!! Lord. *thud* Not gettin' hopes up. I feel my life is suddenly changing a lot right now...if I get this job. Then maybe a real relationship with work guy ... wow. It's real with him. But in getting a new job, maybe I'll be losing him somehow, I just feel like that's what kind of killed me and ex - a lot - at least. Though we didn't talk that much at work - I don't know. Maybe it has to do with ... how you get along. Argh. inches away I tell you. My parents are coming Friday until Sunday. I haven't seen my parents in a while. But then they'll leave and in two weeks I'll drive up to visit them for Thanksgiving. So eh life changes to fast, so quick. Time is flying again. I keep thinking, well my sisters wedding is coming And I must start on her bridal shower. I should be planning the fucking thing, and other things, I just seem to have zero time suddenly. Just like needing to clean out my car so so so badly. Getting to the gym and organizing my closets ... so much to do it seems anymore and me ... seems to be busy suddenly. When did this happen? I do know, I feel happier. Finally, happier. Yet scared. Scared to lose him, suddenly. Don't know why, I guess once you get the good thing, you realize how easy it is to lose it. He's a good man. Finally. A good man that's been under my nose for so long. Funny he's felt the same way for an equal amount of time. I flatter him, give him confidence and makes him see different views of subjects and he teaches me and makes me feel and makes me feel like I'm worth it. Who would want to lose that? 1:50 p.m. - 2005-11-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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