sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in december Well fireman called me at work. I asked in a shakey voice, did you read your email from me? He said no. And I froze and told him about it slightly and said about the whole no committment thing and...I wanted to cry. He was very short with me. I said don't be mad, please. So he got on the net and we talked. I said I want to be friends. Please see me when you get back from Iraq. Plans just like before, but now...without committment, without that now. I said he could still spend the night and we could go out. But I said no expectations. Nothing. I do not need that looming over my head. I said right now I'm very confused in my life. I really am. I sat there wondering how I'd feel in December. I told him to give me until the end of December to really decide about him spending the night. I will sleep on my couch if I have to ... or in bed with him. Depending on where my morals are, depending on me and work guy and committment. If work guy asks, I will tell him of this ... that me and fireman are not dating, but friends. However, the friend part seems still to way on the friends with benefits notion. I'm sorry, it was really good with him ... so if we again, what will it mean other than getting some? No emotions, just that. I'm not going to tell my mom this at all and I will tell my sister he'll be over that night simply so she won't "drop by." So I do not feel as guilty, but am 100% confused about it. I do like him as a friend - not romantically. In that area, I do not mind hanging out with him. I made that end clear. But the other thing, the sex part, it's like cop all over again, we'll be using each other and in that, is this wrong? I told fireman that I was very very very confused and to bear with me because I might entirely change my mind in December. Or maybe things will be like they are now, just "dating" with work guy, kind of waiting around for committment. For now, I am going to let this lay, I cannot dwell on this. All I know is I started spotting today - on my period - and feel very odd about this since I have 3 days of pills left. I also have a hot flash going. I wonder if how stressed and upset I got with fireman triggered this. Work guy called me today at work to tell me about an ad being killed, then asking how I was, etc. He has a cold - from the other day. Po' boy. I was slightly short and cold to him, but ... I just really do feel odd to say the least today. I need a good cry, right now, I need a good cry because I feel upset about fireman. I can't tell him no, though he said if I needed him to go away and leave me alone he would. I said, no, I want to be friends at least this. But now guilt, guilt, guilt. The way he sounded after I said it, guilt guilt guilt. I can't do this shit, it's horrible to feel like you've hurt someone cause you've been flighty or found someone better. Guilt sex in December. 11:51 a.m. - 2005-11-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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