sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in anything I cannot believe it'll be 72 degrees today. That is so odd ... it's November and that warm? People in Chicago (on the radio) were kind of flipping out. Granted we're happy, however it's kind of odd. I actually slept with my window OPEN. Yes. open. When as of late it's been so chilly here. Hm. Anyway, I am still very confused about my life suddenly. Not unhappy, but more like, where the heck am I going? What am I doing? I applied for that graphic design job and found out a woman from here applied too - I was overjoyed because she'll get it over me which means, she'll leave her and her job will be open! I hope it goes that way - she has oodles of experience, I cannot see them passing her up as she's been here a long time. So I figure she'll leave, and maybe the floater here will take her job, or else I will - if it all works out. It's working out that I won't have to go and have to work near work guy. Now that's fantastic news in itself. I just dont' feel like it'd be a good idea to have to work along side him when we're just starting to get to know each other. That's called to fast, to much. I used to have a saying for it - I cannot remember it cause that's what my sister did w/ her fiance. They met he moved in like a few weeks later. To quick, to fast. Still, I feel odd saying that I will see fireman when he comes - but I say he's not here yet, I might change my mind. I feel like I hurt him, the way he talked to me on the phone and now maybe he'll start to treat me differently. Or else, I don't know. Very confused on it. Happy that we don't talk as much because right now I kind of need my own time, to myself. I know I want work guy and want us to work out. Considering we're not committed - we're almost there - because I do not want to date anyone else. Fireman is kind of an exception to the rule, but I don't consider him a date at all. He's a friend with benefits. That's all. Not good morally, but I don't know if we'll act on the benefits part? Jury is still out on it all. At least he knows how I feel now. That's all that matters. Anyway, my feet really hurt - the past two days. Really for no reason. My ankle I sprained has been aching for no reason. Not sure if it's the weather, but how annoying it is when your feet hurt for no reason, not like you've been exactly walking around. I'm going to go at lunch with my sister to pick up some things for my parents - for their anniversary. Our parents said they didn't want anything, but I said let's get them a small basket of stuff for their bed (they are coming down tomorrow until Sunday cause we have a wedding to go to). We're both very low on cash, it's so odd, but we'll probably get a basket with some food and something small. Regardless, I'm feeling odd seeing my parents here when they haven't been here since August!! They haven't seen my apartment since then. The last time I went there was, I think in September? I can't remember when I went up there last. So I'm going to go home from work and wash some clothes I think cause this week I have pretty much tied up except for Sunday. I don't think me and work guy are going to hang out - as he seems busy Saturday too and Sunday I think he says that's when he washes clothes, etc. Grocery shops, etc. etc. I figure I could call him on Sunday to say Hi. Or whatever. I have to hit the gym Sunday too - and grocery shop. So maybe I won't see him until the next week? Yikes. Oh well, I'm not going to fret right now about it. I have to worry about my parents being here and having to entertain them and maybe try not to get in any fights with my mom. I'm slightly annoyed today, for some reason. People seem to just annoy the fuck out of me anymore. I'm trying to control it - I think it's cause I have not been sleeping well at all the past few nights. Last night I was up from 2 a.m. until 3:30 or 4 a.m. Just wide awake and listening to the wind outside. I was like please sleep Jen. Oddly I'm not really tired when I wake up. I don't know if my sleep is now pro-rated or what. I think maybe it's pms ... as I have only *gulp* two more pills before the dreaded white pill! Then period city. Then I have to go buy the pills at the pharmacy - and pay out my ass as my new insurance hasn't kicked in yet. Then go to the gyn and say, hey I want to get off of these! Fucked up right. I think I might try seasonale - the pill where you get your period once every 4 months or something. That'd be really nice. But whatever, my sister said the pill she's on now she really likes. I just feel like I'll change my pill and end up fucked up and shit. Hormones are a scary thing to fuck with. I know this from that one day of extreme depression. So odd how it came on. Just boom you're depressed. Still. I am going to talk to the doctor about it, cause maybe I'll get better next month. I sometimes feel back to myself and sometimes feel OK on this pill. My sister said she didn't get wacked until the third round of pills. I know my second round I saw a change in myself - so I'll see how this goes. I'll go to the gyn near the end of the pill pack. So if I DO get new pills, I can use my insurance on them. That'll be a great, nice change to have some insurance that'll pick up a lot of the fees. I sort of dread having to go again next year for my pap smear - I should really be trying to lose weight harder as I'll go in and she'll be like you're still obese or something. Oh well, I wonder now if I'm "stretched" out down there for that fucking spectulum. I can't see that ever being comfortable being cranked open. I'll ask for a relaxer next time so I dont' flip out - which I think made it worse for myself. *sigh* Anyway, yikes I was at a loss for words. I'm sitting here trying to feel if I'm feeling anything - confused, kind of pissy - wondering about work guy and wondering when I'll hear from him. Was I rude to him yesterday? Sorry yesterday was really hard to have to tell fireman - while I'm at WORK - that I didn't think we'd ever committ. And I'm all shakey and he sounds shakey and upset and I'm at WORK and feeling like I'm going to cry. That was very hard to do. Mm, don't like that. Then work guy calls up and wants to chat and I wasn't in the mood entirely. Bitch Jen. Still the boy should know I'm not all sunshine. I keep looking at the flowers he got me and wondering what he thinks of all of this and if it's to early to ask what he wants to get out of all of this. And why I need a kiss to justify us. Hm I feel like maybe infatuation is ending, the honeymoon nearly over? That's how it's feeling, and what will be left suddenly is the nitty gritty relationship, that thing that is make or break. Can you deal with the real me type of thing. I still feel foolish how I was before. Maybe he thinks I was foolish and maybe wonders why I was like that. Telling him I was a virgin, merely last year, odd enough to spell out to the boy that my ex, his friend, took that "gift" and entirely stomped on it and made it and me believe it was just nothing. So then believeing that's how it went, I was stupid in the next two relationships, or whatever. And now I see the light and he's sitting there, my work guy and I'm wondering what he thinks I am. Easy? Stupid? Naive? He said it's the past and I learned and he's not there to judge. But in that, really. When you look at the time line of events, it wasn't that long ago, not even a month since cop yet ... that I lost morals and intergrity. Does time matter when I feel like I'm changing that now? Or whatever? Or would I still be the same should I not met work guy? Hm. Oh well, I hope he doesn't judge and see me in a strange light. I hope he's forgotten it and whatever. It's just so easy to talk about the bad times when the good times don't really matter and aren't interesting. I said out of 27 dates with ex, maybe 10 were actually good. Truthfully. The others, there were points that made it bad, intimacy issues. Me waking up at night and laying there and feeling like I was such a fool and to scared to do anything. Now, what does work guy think of me and him. And if I'll get the same way? It's so hard to think of these things when I don't know if he'd ever reveal these things if I questioned him. With me and him: now what? Maybe that's the next thing, that decision of continuing or not or what? We've been dating since Oct. 9 ... and that's almost a month now. Hm. I feel like the game is about to change. Something has to give or happen now. The next chapter, story, etc. Regardless ... I'll play it calm, cool, collected still. But keeping emotions in check I guess. Right now I'm still so confused in my life. Seriously. Confused. I don't know what I want anymore in anything. 9:05 a.m. - 2005-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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