sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- question mark I'm slightly off the wall today. Just now two co-workers were standing here telling me to put my foot down should I not get this graphic designers job. I sat there looking at them. I said, I will. And both of them went into not just telling the publisher, but going to HR first. I wanted to say, if I DO say something, then I'll say it after they don't hire the girl who's been here forever and didn't get it, then I'll say something. But I'm not hanging myself. They said, if you don't, you'll be stuck here cause they can't find anyone to replace you in your job. I wanted to say shut the fuck up and go away. I know they are "helping" me but also "bullying" me at the same time. I really didn't need to hear this, but in office politics, it seems I'm a good running mate anymore. The graphic artist manager(s) here want me to start designing ads and paginating some pages. The guy said, at least then when these jobs come up, you'll be a shoe in. I know he's trying to help me. I just am tired of all the bull shit. So Monday I am to contact him so I can begin. This is okay cause at least I'll be somewhat active at work - instead of BORED all the fucking time like I am. So diary, might not get updated to much now? Or else, I don't know. Still, I'm happy he's helping me out and right now I'm not listening to anyone, or should I say not putting a whole lot into others words cause I don't believe anything anymore. I'm skeptic mostly. It's funny how everyone knows how I want to move around. I talked to the girl that trained me and she said they don't want to keep me in this position and she wasn't locked in it, etc. I know those two women who want to "help" me are in fact fucking me over somewhat. But how can you say "don't help." I hate to play this game, it's so easy to lose, if you piss off the wrong people, burn bridges, etc. I do not want to be one of those people. My reputation right now is pretty good. I survived being sick, then my sprained ankle, a bad relationship and the beginning of a new one. I simply am just trying to play these here cards right. Anyway, I'm feeling odd about my work guy, talking about him to others here - well just one person - it's so funny and a relief to talk about him only positively - not like my ex where it was mostly bad. He's a good guy, my work guy, everyone knows this. I say the only thing that I would change and maybe not change is his shyness. He told me last time he's shy with women. He's okay with me until we talk about me and him and lord if I get to close, there are issues. I realized today that maybe I'm not ready for such closeness, I mean relationship. I know I keep feeling like we SHOULD be in one - a committment - and I don't know why I want to rush it. I don't really. Thinking about it, I think the way we're going is fast enough. I think if it were to go fast I think it would scare us away, especially him. I feel like he needs to be somehow nutured and cultured and handled with care. The boy, I feel really needs this emotional thing from me. However I hope he knows my need for attention due to my baggage. Like no calls or me always emailing, etc. I get very worried sometimes about it and then remind myself that he's different. Like me thinking now that maybe he's changed his heart when it comes to me though there are no signs and for that to happen that quick, it wouldn't make sense. However I think that's how fireman probably felt that one day we're okay the next I'm saying I don't want a committment. I guess I'm worried about my karma with that, as what goes around comes around. I pray that happens with cop and my Ex to get their just dues for fucking me over - and I know I should say that they aren't entirely guilty, I think I'm owed and maybe have paid my own just dues. I don't want to play the victim. I dislike that. I also don't want to play some weak thing. But with work guy I'm beginning to feel weak, and needing maybe for him to step up to bat a lil for us. Meaning with everything and stop the shyness and being scared. I don't know, I just feel so fucking messed up in my head today. Unclear thoughts and irrational thoughts. I don't know what's wrong, I say PMS and other things, stress. Things. I feel worried and feel like I'm going to cry for no reason. Lord if I hit another depression day - week - whatever. I know my hormones are acting up as my period is coming and I'm already spotting. So I guess this is why I'm moody. I really dislike this craziness I seem to hit - and obsession and thinking the worse. God why am I so scared of people leaving me? I've always been this way. All my life. I keep wondering who left me in my life that taught me this? I feel like a burden to others a lot. I feel like they never feel equal to how I feel. Always. Always been like this. I know work guy likes me. I know he does, seem to a lot. But my stupid self thinks to much more into lil things. I need to stop this. Okay letting this go before I ruin it all. So happy I have a diary to pour this into. Funny how when I'm there, with him, I don't feel any of these stupid feelings. What the shit does that mean? I think to much. Need a hobby. SOMETHING right? Fuck fuck fuck. I'm going to go home and go to bed. I just feel so messed up in my head. Fast and slow and happy and sad. I'm a walking question mark. 3:27 p.m. - 2005-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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