sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ask. I've started to write my diary about four times today now. I keep starting it then work calls, or someone phones me or something happens. At first I wrote half of it and accidentally clicked a link and lost the whole thing. Makes you want to never write again. I used to type my diary in emails then paste it, I'm to lazy now and uncaring about my spelling. I misspell a lot and grammar sucks. I don't care. You know what I mean. This disregard for these small things, does it really matter? Anyway, I talked to fireman - he offered to pay me for the package I sent and I said no. Suddenly we're back to where we were. How did that happen? I wanted to say, doesn't it matter that I don't want a committment? In turn saying, you're not worth the wait? Saying I'm dating other guys? Maybe I should take that as an "unselfish" act on his part to not ... dwell? But in that he seems hurt and some of the things he says shows it. I asked if he was mad, if he hates me. He said, no, in fact I like quite a lot and it's so bad that I dream about you. I felt a lil guilty suddenly, leading this man on. And continue leading him on. He is spending the night when he arrives and suddenly I don't mind it. We both know what it is, we both care about each other but not in a way that produces a relationship. We're friends, with benefits, basically. He said that I am a blessing to him. I feel slightly odd about it all. And think about my work guy, and then think about fireman. What I want from each is so vastly different and backwards maybe. Still I string on fireman and still am keeping in mind spending time with him doesn't mean sex. I don't feel like I owe him that, but feel we might fall into that pit of it. Still I don't mind him using my skin to place all his worries in. I feel friends with him enough to know he's a truthful man and wants the best for everything he does. I don't know. I told him even if we're never going to be anything, at least we can be friends. I told him I always want to know him. I'm not sure why, I guess his kindness and innocence and his neediness. Something. I don't mind, really, spending time with him. Even if it's just that - friends - hanging out. I'm okay with it. My mom flipped as she thinks work guy would disown me if he knew. But why? And how would he ever know? Is this any of his business?? I cannot help it, I just feel sorry for fireman and his life seems really shitty right now. Granted he chose it, but if I can shed some happiness in it - and he knows I do not want a committment from him and bascially friendship, what does this matter? What "secret" is there in this???? ANYWAY!!!! Work guy - asked me out Monday to go looking for some fish for my fish tank since I only have two of them now - small ones. So he's a sweet bo' I tell ya. I said of course I'd like him to go with me and I said afterwards I can make us dinner at my place - I figure he'll be there anyway and I hate to eat out --- $$$. I also asked about going to see a Normal Rockw ell exhibit that is in the area as it's his fav. artist. I think whatta romantic, type of cute day we would spend. Still I find myself up and down with him, feeling at one point that maybe he's lost interest and then the next that he hasn't. I don't know why I get like that, so afraid to lose this good thing. Yet if I did lose it, better to have then let it get to far. Still heart ache, I do not need anymore of that, I really cannot take it right now. I don't think he'd ever hurt me. I don't see it. Maybe he feels the same as me and more. Anyway my 40-year-old guy called my cell today. I didn't answer. That boy is so odd. We're just friends - but "dated' back in the day when I lived in Michigan. When I was still a virgin and afraid to even kiss. So now I'm all sexual Jen and I think he gets kind of hot on that topic with me. It's very odd cause he's so old and to think of him, yuck, I'd never, ever date that man now. I call that desperation dating back in the day. Now? Never, ever. We're only friends, forever. Still he makes me laugh when I flirt w / him cause we always seem to do that. Just for fun. He actually thought I was going to drive to visit him cause he'll be in Tenn. visiting friends. I'm not that hard up for a fuck to drive to Tenn. especially with him. Yuck. He makes me laugh. I couldn't imagine letting him kiss me let alone fuck me. Anyway, he's a good friend - just not a benefits friend. I really hate that concept anyway. I think my fireman bends the rules with that, and it's for different needs. But 40-year-old? Eh...sorry. We're going to meet for dinner when I go to Vegas in February though since he lives in Az. Eh. I really don't need another guy trying to get in my pants. So done with that. I only have work guy in my life right now. He's all that matters. Granted he's an angel to me, and me, the devil. I can't seem to help it anymore. I try to change, but still have fireman there when I figured on letting him go forever with my whole committment talk. I don't think fireman is using me, not in the way men use women. Maybe he's using me emotionally - as in a friend who cares. I think that's what he needs and I can give that to me. Care, friendship. Other things, maybe with that, we use each other. In that, it's just what it is. Still with my work guy, being with him sometimes and our talks I just have to wonder about us. And I wonder at night if he'll ever want me in that way. Not sexually, but want to kiss me, I can't see him not wanting to, or whatever. Maybe he does and is so afraid? I don't want to rush, but this is now I think our 7th or 8th date? I just feel ... like we're rounding the friendship barrier. We talk and talk about it "working out" but I sit there thinking about it sometimes and wish I could make him comfortable enough with me. It saddens me - it really does. I know you all think it's wrong, but it's hard when you're with someone like that and you like him and can't express it other than in words. I don't ask for much, so why is it so hard for him to give me these things I want? I won't rush it or say anything more than I should. But I feel it inside and I'm sure he sees my frustration when I hug him and feel slightly let down. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and that's why I really try not to make a big deal out of it, just a quip about it, my "still in hug stage" comment ... I'm sure he's like f-off. Last time saying "I would but I think I'm getting sick" .... I know back off Jen. He's trying. I know he's really trying with me. I guess I should start "trying" with him... in the sense of understanding him more ... and being more understanding. I don't know why ... cause after that, what will it prove and will I even feel different? I guess I need that as a "justification" of "us" ... so I feel like we're not just friends and all these words we say MEANS something. Make me feel more than a close friend to you. That's all I ask. 12:15 p.m. - 2005-11-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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