sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it seems. I do not like weddings. I went solo and in that felt horrible. It seemed or felt like I was the only single girl there. All the couples holding hands, my parents arm in arm and my sister and her fiance hand in hand and me walking solo behind. I'm tired of it and I sat there while everyone is dancing or sharing conversation with their mates, I'm there alone feeling like fucking shit. I told my mom I'm not going to anymore weddings - that is - without a date. I can't take this solo shit anymore. I contemplated leaving again last night, about fucking picking up and moving somewhere else. I'm so tired of being the odd man out. The is the theme of my life anymore. The odd man out. In my work, love life. I love how things go so easy for others, then me, I get shit on, used, fucked with, odd things. Nothing ever goes as planned or smoothly. I guess last night I was just really tired of it. I wanted to leave as soon as I got there and didn't want to go. I felt a lil mad that work guy couldn't go, but also happy he didn't. I think it was to fast, to quick to meet my family and then feel like he'd have to hold my hand or dance with me or whatever. To quick for him, I think. And in that I was smoldering last night on to why he can't seem to take the next step with me and why I feel like again in a relationship that I'm the one running the show. You can call this PMS people. As I'm off my pills for a week. I prayed to God last night - that I could be a better person because lately I've been mean for no reason. I wish I could let stuff go and not get upset nearly all the time. I considered me and work guy and thought about cop and fireman and my ex. Then about cop being married, he has to be. Then my ex was married at the time we dated ...and now I'm an adulterist. I feel my karma is going bad right now. Maybe it's the what goes around comes around part. Because I'm feeling really low again suddenly - I don't like myself. That's the whole thing right now. I don't like me anymore. I also haven't been losing weight as I was and haven't been really concentrating anymore on the things that matter. You know being thankful for what you have and now what you could have. Regardless, I don't know what to do right now with how I am. All I know is today is another depression day. I hate myself today. I know this is pms. I'm not going to the gym. I'm going to wash clothes and go grocery shopping. That's it. Is it wrong that I feel like I wish I could just sleep all day. Last night I prayed I didn't have to face a day alone when you see the happy couple at the wedding and know suddenly they have someone for life. While I just am solo. The rebel Jen who's always looking for a companion, yet her companions always seem to let her down. Down down down. So I'm upset to say the least today and depressed suddenly, it started yesterday and the day before. Just angry and sad and wanting to be left alone. For once can I not feel like I'm some fucking failure? I'm tired of everyone in my life, my sister and her fiance I feel like that's always thrown in my face. Then this wedding and last night the bride telling me that I should be my sisters PERSONAL ASSISTANT and follow her around during the wedding and make sure she doesn't have to lift a finger or make sure that per say the cake is there, etc. I wanted to say HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. I am nobody's PERSONAL ASSISTANT. It's bad enough I have to buy all this SHIT for the wedding when I do not have the money!!! No one seems to UNDERSTAND that concept, I don't make as much as they DO. I will help out my sister, but no fucking way am I going to deal with EVERYTHING just so she can walk around w/o worry. Fuck off!! Walk behind her with a glass of water and bobby pins and make up for touch ups. FUCK that, haven't I done that ALL MY LIFE with everything? I so wanted to say, who the fuck are you telling me to do this. And what of the groom why isn't HE helping...etc. I hate stupid people and stupid comments. My mom was like, maybe POOKS can be my sister's "assistant" ... I was like NO way, that's horrible. Jesus Fucking Christ, I love to be shit on repeatedly and why not offend and shit on my friends too? God god god I need something right now and I don't know what it is. Everyone is an ASSHOLE it seems. 12:06 p.m. - 2005-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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