sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- searching for it. So my parents - well mom did a type of "intervention" as if I'm fucking nutty or something. She said since I've been on this birth control I've been bitter and angry and depressed. And they didn't realize how bad it was until they spent time with me. Don't forget the fact I have PMS and am feeling depressed the past few days .... So I'm like well okay I will call today and see if I can change my pills. I mean that's okay cause of these side-effects and other things. So I am going to call in a half hour when the office opens. Maybe they'll give me a free pack again and then I when I do have to buy them, then I can use my insurance (haven't got my new cards yet). So okay. Fine, whatever. THEN. My father EMAILS ME this shitty email about how I didn't "Thank him" and that I "ordered him around" when I asked for him to take out a table and lamp - in my apartment. I did not "order" him and I DID thank him outside. Then he goes on to say that because I don't like my sisters fiance that I'm going to "lose" my sister. He says no one wanted to "tell me" about how I've been acting because they were afraid to hurt my feelings. And then he says, "I'm here for you if you want to talk" What the fuck ever! A. If you have something that SHITTY to say to me, then at least PHONE ME UP. B. It's like the whole thing was OVER and then he decides to throw in his fucking TWO CENTS. C. You can't say all those shitty things, and THEN say "you can talk to me." Sorry, I do not want to talk to anyone that feels fit to fucking re-start up the FIRE when it was already put out. I did thank him and what I do with my sister and whatever is NONE of his business. I didn't even say anything, I didn't do anything to my sisters fiance at all. Jesus Christ. I didn't know I was sooo horrible to everyone, so much so that everyone wanted to spare my FEELINGS enough by fucking waiting until everyone BLEW UP AT ME. Yeah. This ought to help Jen's depression! Yeah! Let's gang up on her and demand she changes her pills as if THEY are the culprit and lord knows what does SHE have to be depressed about? Don't forget the fact that I have major PMS right now. That I have job turmoil - stress among other things. No no. It's a fucking small ass birth control pill that has "changed her." "We don't know you anymore." My mom said I was short and "dismissive" this I know is due to her telling me what to do about fireman when I said I didn't want to talk about it any longer and that I make my own decisions. So yesterday I just about cried all day long because I'm so tired of my family right now. Today I'm better, but still upset about it and really pissed off at my dad. I'm not emailing him back. I told pooks what happend and he was like that was really shitty of him to do. So right now I do not want to talk to anyone. Just leave me the fuck alone. I see work guy tonight and am feeling still on edge. Feeling slightly depressed still and can't think clear right now. I'm feeling paranoid that perhaps I've been a bit nutty or irrational with him too and if he noticed or if he just thinks I'm like this. I also broke out - on my face - I really hate pms zits. I always get a round of them when I get my period. I'm trying to keep it under control but am upset that work guy gets to see zit face Jen. Who'd want to kiss this face? I did a good job of covering them up (only two blemishes) but still I feel self conscious about it. Though today I just want to be left alone, so no comments tonight about kisses or whatever. So not in the mood for that bs. Just want a nice quiet, fun evening. I'm just really angry at my parents right now, and feel cranky/PMS a lot. Today is the second day off the pill. I know it gets progressively worse - since the pill is slowly leaving my body. So my hormones are very wacked right now. Anyway I figure since I'm on the sugar pill, it'd be a great time to start a new pill on Sunday. At least then I can keep my cycle going right. I just really dislike how I feel right now. I seriously at this moment feel like I could burst into tears. Major PMS - I am going to try to get in a better mood. Today, though, I just want to be left alone. And oddly, today is the day they want me to do some ads here at work - to get me in the mode of actually being a graphic designer. Seeing what I can do. I'm nervous about it, but at least this ought to keep me busy and my mind off of things. Am unsure what to do about my parents or family, whatever. I'd rather just not talk to them right now. Is that wrong? I really have nothing to say other than thanks for making me feel like I'm a complete nut case. God forbid if I ever got seriously depressed ... they'd all phone up telling me how I make them feel bad. About how I make them feel ... whatever. Not about ... hey get some help, go to therapy again. Something. No, it's about waiting until the last minute and then blowing up. Pooks said I should go back to therapy and I say I don't have the money - and I'm not using that "free" therapy - as I didn't really like my therapist - she was okay - I got what I paid for. But I think I had deeper issues than just being depressed about my "job." No, I think it was deeper than this and not something so easy. She seemed to just talk about herself the whole time and then it was only about my job. I'm more than my job. More than that. But right now, I don't want therapy. I don't think I'm that bad - or else I can handle whatever. Just need time to adjust or whatever. Do know, that I'm going to be bottling up or not even that, just not talking to family anymore. I feel like I've lost trust in them. A lot of trust, because they don't really listen. All they hear is what they'd do or how I should do what they think. That's not listening. That's not helping. That's just ... selfish. It's wrong. And right now I really do not need that in my life. It's not working any longer. So I am yet again confused and bewildered and just in need of something - which I don't know what it is yet. But I guess I'm searching for it. 8:29 a.m. - 2005-11-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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