sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- terrified Well the boy did it. Finally. A kiss. I knew because I felt really odd and off the wall yesterday that would be the day he would kiss me. So he got up to leave and I put my hand on the door. I said I felt nervous for some reason and he laughed at me and was like come'ere and I gave him a hug and he kissed my cheek. I said oooh you're kissing the cheek now. I opened the door and he said, well I wanted to kiss you but you looked down. I said what? Really? I didn't know - so I flipped off the light next to me and I think I said "kiss me" or come here. It was just a peck on the lips - and lovely how it was without hesitation. So I said dude you had all these chances tonight, I give you chances! So he said ... well I'm still shy ... and I'm old school with this stuff. I was like...what do you mean old school? So I grabbed him arm and said get back in here. So I told him how we both come from different back grounds of dating. While he is a gentlemen and takes it slow, I told him my experiences. I told him that I didn't think he even liked me cause he hasn't even kissed me and we've been dating a month. He blushed slightly and said, I wanted to last time but my cold.... He also said that the guys I was with before were jackasses. He said they saw that I was nice and kind, hadn't dated much and naive so they took advantage. I felt embarassed at his revealation. He said he doesn't want that stuff - some guys do - but he likes to take it slow. And he said if someone tries to get in your pants, that quick then it's a turn off - and he'll dump that person. He said he knows I'm a "nice/good girl" and he said if he thought different he wouldn't be there with me. So it was my turn to get quiet and shy. I felt odd. And asked just what old school dating is? I said because you haven't dated in a while and I have. We're like at opposite ends. I said all I've ever known is for guys to try to mess around with me - so quick - that I thought that's how it went. Old school, he said, was walking to the door and giving a kiss - starting off slow. Then later on start doing other things - ala' making out. But when the time is right. I kind of groaned. Do I have to wait this long?? I kept thinking. He said, well I think maybe our pace is stepping up, the more we get to know each other. I nodded. And suddenly I still had shut down to him and drawn up inside myself. I don't know why. He said he really liked me a lot and I had a great personality and he liked being with me. I left it at that and kind of was like can we stop talking about this? I mean now I know where I stand, where we stand. I think we needed that talk in that somehow got "closer." Still I was mildly amazed at how easy it was, I thought I'd be to shy to kiss the boy or else I knew it'd be just a peck and nothing else. I told him I'm still shy with that and need warning of .. hey I'm going to kiss you. I said not all the time, but in the beginning - like yesterday I didn't know he wanted to - after all he was just Mr. Hug. So I guess we're up and moving again. Maybe he's right. There is only so many times you can give a peck ... I figure next time it ought to be something a lil' more and that is what seems to be our pattern. He is getting extremely comfortable with me by the things we talk about. And he was so less shy last night, and suddenly I'm the shy one. It's such an odd odd flip flop. But I think we learn a lot from each other. I feel like I'm the one with a sorted past of being used and thinking that's all I was good for. Maybe it was my self esteem that made me believe this. But now, we also talked and his mom knows (still) about me and another person at work does. He says he told the person who said they heard a "rumor" to please keep it hush hush because we both don't want it really leaked until we're "serious." I wanted to say, I think even when we're "serious" I don't want it "announced" ... whatever. But in our jobs, I don't think it'd be wise for it to be leaked as the job I'm going for IS where he works (I won't get it anyway) but still I'd rather not have that manager out there find out. I also said, I was scared to work there because then he wouldn't see me any more and he gave me a weriod look and asked why. I said because you'd see me everyday and what would we have to talk about on the weekends? He said...eh ... I guess. Yeah, I'm the unstable one in the relationship. He has beliefs and me, my change all the time. As do my morals, etc. All I know is I really like him and I think he really likes me, maybe we understand each other or how he said last night, how both of us were hurt in the past and that now we're trying to get over it. So we're both kind of shy and standoffish. Regardless, I don't know what quiet to think of this boy sometimes. OR what he thinks of me. I think often now about fireman and him visiting. And wonder if it's a good idea still or if it matters since he knows I do not want him in a romantic way, but only as friends. Am I still in that cycle? Is this okay to hang out with him, after what we've been through? I am confused on it and not wanting to think about it. I also called my gyn to change my pills and she has yet to call me back - though the receptionist said yesterday a woman was in labor and that the doc might not get back to me until today in the afternoon. I just want to go pick up my new pills so I can begin Sunday. I figure okay it's only Tuesday and she's pretty good at callin' back. I might try to call again in the afternoon if I've not heard anything. My case is very easy - just write a prescription and give me a free pack and let me go on my way. I do feel slightly better - yesterday I was still depressed. Today I feel slightly depressed, but not as bad. I took a depression test and it said that I might be a harm to myself cause it was severe enough!!! I was like, I'm not wanting to KILL myself. I just feel upset, angry, bitter and can't sleep right now. I have that ol' don't want to do anything that I used to like doing thing too. Have to go to the gym but don't want to. Have to clean my place, but don't want to. Have to wash clothes, don't want to. Millions of things that I just do not feel like doing. Not even on the net anymore as I used to. So I chalk this up to depression - yes I am depressed, maybe I hide it well at work, or that people have noticed, but it's been this way for maybe a week or two now. I figure therapy couldn't help, I don't want to get put on pills, so I'll ride it out. I think my period has a lot to do with it, my body getting rid of the pills effects - maybe I'll feel better every day now. I just have a headache and have had it since I think about 4 or 5 a.m. when I couldn't sleep. At least work guy is here to make me happy. Or he does this without knowing it. We're going to a art thing on Sat. or Sunday. I think that ought to be kind of romantic. He's all about romance. He said the only girl that he ever went "fast" with was his ex-wife because he was like "she's the one" and then he said, he regretted it because there was no romance in it. Me. I'm like fuck when are we going to make out? *Hmmph* I'm not doing that - or asking. Nothing anymore. No more of what I used to say, "just a hug" shit because now I know the game, I know his style and I'm not going to rush that. So we're odd and sometimes we're a lil more loving than before. But it takes me a while to trust and warm up to someone. And maybe he's the same. He seems to be maybe more comfortable with me than I am with him suddenly. I'm the one lagging behind, but right now I have a lot of shit on my plate to deal with. I have crazy parents and I have PMS and hormone/depression issues. Somehow I'm trying to keep up the pace. Though it was nice to hear that he thinks finally we're traveling at a faster pace - getting this show on the road type of thing. I still was happy about the kiss, no hesitation, no weriodness, I thought I'd be shy and I thought that my heart would've changed it's mind and think that it wouldn't work out because of my ex or because of working together or just the need to be friends. None of that happend. After it, I realized how much I like him and respect him. Maybe that's why I clamed up or withdrew in myself as he explained it all and I leaned up against the wall thinking, I've really been a jackass to him. Under estimated, took his shyness to mean other things. Now I'm the one that's feeling really shy and withdrawn suddenly, I still feel it. Why? The possiblilty of an entirely real relationship that I've always wanted? I think maybe I'm just scared ... of what? I don't know. I still feel this in my chest ... just last night was so telling with everything. We'd finally broke through - to the beginning of relationship land, entirely felt. I'm terrified. 9:20 a.m. - 2005-11-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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