sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what he wants too. Okay so I start my new birth control on Sunday. I'll be on Estrostep or something like that. It's, I believe, one of the lowest dose pills out there. I read up on it - it has lower estrogen - which is what, if there is to much of, will make you depressed, etc. My doctor said Yasmin (which is what I was on) makes a lot of women depressed. So this one is for acne and for irregular periods. However, I do not believe it should be used to prevent pregnancy - I mean in myself - I don't think I'd ever have sex without a condom using BC. My doctor says I only have 90% chance of not getting prego if I don't use a condom and BC. That's 10% chance of getting a bun in the oven. Though not exactly like I'm sexually "active" right now. Not that I mind cause I feel wacky and mixed emotions about it all right now. I do feel a lot better - today I just feel better than I have in a while. I still have NOT gotten my period and it's WEDNESDAY. I begin my new pill on Sunday, which last time stopped my period - though last time was very heavy. Right now I just have old blood and lightly some new blood. My sister scared me with "when was the last time you had sex?" Ala prego scared. Last time was with cop and that was ... maybe a month or so ago now? I kept thinking, we did use a condom, but he didn't "finish" however was in that area and nearly inside. I can't see that minute chance of that happening and me suddenly in the 10%. No way. Still I felt a bit shaken by her asking me that, but safe to say I was like ha no. I think if I ever try to have kids it'll be hard anyway, I feel that inside I'm fucked up w/ irregular periods, etc. I really worry about this. I see work guy and a possibilty of marriage and kids with him. I can see it. And see myself trying to have kids and not. Suddenly childless with a man who loves children. Though that's jumping the gun two fold. I've just never had a relationship such as this. I don't know what quite to think of it sometimes and it worries me, scares me. I don't know how to react to him sometimes or if he thinks I'm lacking in morals. I told him last time - after he said what you did, you didn't know, it's in the past ... I said, yeah by my "past" was only a few months ago. Like years between would make it any easier to bear. But realizing how stupid I was, it's just like why did I do that? What was I thinking? Desperate? I sort of blame my BC - the hormone thing. Because I just didn't even care at the time. Maybe I was being self destructive. Anyway, fireman called me yesterday and we chatted on the net again. We talked again about our friendship. I said I would be there to hang out with. I said messing around, I don't know. I told him about work guy. I said I didn't know where it was going, but should we turn serious, then I will definately NOT mess around with him. I said I do not cheat and when committed, I am fully committed. We can be friends and hang out, but zero hanky panky. So he said, just please don't be committed in December. Ha. He just wants to go out on a "date" with me and feel "normal" again. Though I really laugh to think about the last time we "dated" cause it was just fucked up. I asked him if he expected to have sex when he saw me. He said no, he didn't even think about it until he was sitting next to me on the couch. He said it was the closeness and how I smelled (that fucking "Maybe Baby Perfume" always gets guys, that's what I wore with cop too) ... anyway he said he kissed me and the urge was just there. I said, I think both of us were horny and available. But in the end, he was suprisingly good, kept the flow going. I didn't feel any pain - and he actually "finished." In all the times I've had sex, usually the guy doesn't finish or he does but it's by other means. And of course it HURTS when he enters. Fireman didn't hurt at all, it was great - I mean I enjoyed him. I figure if not anything, he taught me some things about sex. So the possiblity of that happening again ... I'm not against this - but don't know how I'll feel with work guy, or how I'll feel when I see him again? NO promises. Though it would be nice for another toss in the hay stack because lord knows ... that won't be happening for a while with work guy - which is OK. I don't mind this. Fireman and me...friends and unemotional sex. At least to me. I know he really likes me but I've already told him how I feel. So we've the ultimate relationship. Friends without strings and occassional sex before I'm committed. Oh and he shoots blanks, so condomless sex at that. (Yes he gets tested since he's in the army - and they aren't allowed to have sex out there, etc.) Anyway, I just feel odd again - still in my confusion stage. Making weriod decisions. Like I'm with work guy and thinking I'm going to cut off fireman. Then a day or two later fireman calls and I'm like why would I let him go? I guess I'm still "playing the field" or whatever. Or just horny and do want some sex in December. Maybe that's it cause I miss messing around. At least kissing, making out. I do miss it - especially when I was getting it at least once or twice a month before. Now I have to wait a month and some days just to have a possiblity of it again. I'm still new at it, learning it and curious about it. Just for that hour of want and need. I miss it. Maybe that makes me a bad morally wrong person, or maybe it doesn't. Who is anyone to judge? Anyway, so me and work guy are going to that whatever art thing this weekend. My mom asked if he calls me yet - at home. I'm like no ... why would he? We talk for hours and hours when we see each other. We talk ourselves out and out again. Sometimes at work we'll chat - maybe once a week - briefly. We just chat so much when we're together, that I swear during the week we don't need to. Maybe in the furture when we get closer we will.... Right now, it's not rushed, yet feeling like my mom and sister ask these questions and I want to say, we're not like you, every relationship is different. I'm still happy that last time he finally expressed how he really felt and how he likes me a lot. It was sweet. It was his turn to take the reigns ... though I still feel kind of withdrawn with it all. Seriously. I think it's cause I like him so much. Though now I wonder about this sudden kissing thing and hope I didn't rush him and now am stopping saying anything about it. Not sure still how to react or what to say or be. I feel like he judges a lot, feels like he'll just dump a girl if she comes on strong. Maybe that's why I feel odd. Would he dump me so easily if I did something he thought really wrong? Hm... I think I'll have to bring that up next time we talk about it. Still I can't but help laugh at his nervousness when he sees me. That phased look. And he probably can't help but laugh at how now I clam up and get nervous when we say goodnight, I don't make eye contact and am stand offish, when the whole time I've been the one asking for it. Now ... I don't know why it scares me and I'm sure he's like WTF is her problem, I'm trying to give her what she asks and now she's shy. I don't know, we both have a lot to work on it seems, he's right that we both were hurt before and now ... trying to rebuild but still wary and just both shy/scared/confused. He knows what he wants more often than not and me, I never seem to know anymore. I still wish he'd hold my hand sometimes, and start moving in that way ... just comfortable when I sit next to him. However he still touches me - my arm, leg - lightly sometimes and last time I noticed how I do not touch him at all. Never. So in this, I have to - at least - am beginning to wonder what or why I feel suddenly shy and awkward to touch him or let him touch or kiss me? I want him to, yet I feel so nervous about it. Why??? Maybe my problem is trying to wonder what he expects, when entirely he doesn't expect anything from it. Maybe I just like him a lot and still holding back, not wanting to get hurt....I don't know. I wish I'd stop I feel really confused now about him. He says we're finally moving and we're finally picking up speed in this relationship, while I'm sitting there feeling so fucked up and odd. I wished he'd shut up, when he was telling me these things, maybe I was expecting disappointment from the man, something entirely different, I had him pegged as something else. And he's not. Sooo not. He's wonderful, and me, feeling unwonderful. Everyone says he's great, but I wonder what they think about me....that "nice girl" as he says, the "good girl" as he says it also. Is that what they think I am too? It's just so odd to be LIKED by someone the way work guy goes, suddenly and then placed somewhere in his heart where he wants to take the time, so it's not ruined. So it's shaped and formed into something real. Not just a racy one night trist, not even that after a month. I think it's slow for both of us to mend and trust again, but for him to take that time and stick to his guns even after I've requested kisses and the like, it's admirable. The boy is stubborn, but smart and wants to know me first. Entirely. He's right when it comes to the small things, a simple peck, meant a lot more than anything a guy has ever done. The romance of it all. Anyway, man alive, I was just thinking I pray I do not gain weight w/ my new pill. I've slacked on eat/gym and feeling like I've gained (also bloated) ... Am thinking about taking TrimSpa again, am going to stop drinking pop. Have to start up again something. I feel odd about Trimspa (I take the EF one) ... I'll have to see about it. Just so worried this pill will make me gain like 20 lbs. YUCK. NO way. Ugh. I hate feelin' fat. Today I'm hitting the gym again, went last night and am going tonight and then maybe Friday? Hum. I need to get back to weight loss cause March is coming up fast. Hm just wondering where me and work guy will be at in March. Or in December. When committment comes into play? January? How long does it take and intimacy? God doesn't he want to do that stuff or am I the only one? I admire his restraint. He puts emotions over it all, he wants friendship first, then what? We are friends, and now, we're changing, no doubt with last time we changed suddenly when I looked in those eyes and I saw it and felt it and suddenly wanted what he wants too. 9:09 a.m. - 2005-11-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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