sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he feel? So it's funny how much I feel better being off my pill for five days now. I feel more awake - alive? Not sure how to explain it, maybe think clear. The bathroom is the worst. I think it's cause of hairspray ... cause lord it gets overly dusty. It's gross. I hate dirty bathrooms. Regardless. My period finally came Wednesday. Last night I had an "accident" kind of. Yuck. I also am trying tampons for the first time. I wore one last night - but took it out at 12 a.m. - my radio in my bathroom came on last night? For no reason? Woke me up and scared me - it started at the START of a song, so it was odd. Talk Heads song ... I was like...is someone trying to make me come out of my room to kill me? Nope. So I kind of wished I'd tried to use another tampon, at least then it might not have been to bad. Anyway, it's funny cause I always put it in the wrong area. You'd think I'd know my body by now, but oddly, no, I always am to far forward and then have to use my own finger to feel around for the right place which is gross in itself. But I figure I'm just beginning. So now I'm "flowing" and have a "super" one in and feel like I didn't go up far enough. And am faintly worried about leakage. I did wear a light pad, but am more concerned with the period odor, which I cannot stand. I worry about going to the bathroom here now. I hid a tampon in my outfit (I'm so sneaky) so it'll be fun to play find the hole at work and pray no one walks in. I know I'll get more used to using these and finding the right place. It kind of fascinates me. Like who came up with shoving a cotton plug up there? And how can people use those ob stringless and applicatorless tampons? I get grossed out simply by pulling and inserting it. Nasty stuff there. Sometimes it's horrid to be a woman. Like that yeast infection - worse thing in the WORLD to get. I read about girls who get those while on BCP. Thankfully I've only gotten ONE in my life - and that was cause of those pills that killed all the bacteria in my body - ala the good bacteria in my coo ... and that day I used FTD spray and KNEW cause it just burned and pissed off my crotch. Yuck man. I hope to never get another one of those. Sorry to dwell on the whole snatch in this diary. I also am contemplating going to the doctor. My heart palpaitations have gotten a lil worse lately. I read up on them and it says caffenine effects them as does stress. But yesterday at the gym I had them and shortness of breath so bad I really felt like I was going to faint. I get them at night all the time and today at work I had a pretty "bad" one where it felt like my heart was about ready to stop. So I wonder why this is happening. I'm going to stop with caff. I know that's hard to do, but maybe that's a major role in this. Then I might visit the doc. if they still occur. I'm wondering if they are bad this week due to my period - ala iron loss - ala my iron deficeny. I read that can cause amenia symptoms? I don't know. All I know is I really hate to go to the doctor w/o my new health ins. cards. But I'll go if I must and fuck that will be expensive I'm sure....ick. Other than this, I feel okay. Just slightly worried about having a heart attach or stroke suddenly when maybe my body is telling me or warning me. Scary thought. Oh well I talked to work guy a lil yesterday. We still have to plan our lil art thing this weekend. I was thinking about him last night with that, and wonder sometimes where he thinks this will go. My mom told me that right now I could really hurt him if I decided to leave him. I wanted to say he could really hurt me too if he decided to leave me. I guess this is what people mean by being "careful" with him ... but at the same time, I feel that he needs to be careful with me. We've both been through shit in our lives with relationships - his was worse granted - but I'm also pretty bad in my concept of dating. So eh, not sure, just feel odd and could cry at the thought of it ending suddenly. Like I feel he's my weekends and I look foward to seeing him. I mean he's what I look foward to now. That says a lot...it's weriod to be having these types of feelings again. It's been a long time since I've had those types of feelings - granted before I let them flow freely - naive - now I'm more restricted and holding back. Ala two steps forward, one back a lot of the time. But I'm happy with him, so far. There are a few kinks I have, gripes, but nothing major, and major they are to quick to even bitch about. Mostly my own baggage and worry of lack of communication (why doesn't he call? Email me? Etc.) But maybe that's to quick. And I need to learn not to expect anything - he'll give what he can. The rest will come (I hope). Eh. Now I'm about getting him to hold my hand. Suddenly I want the small things. Just that. Touch. Fingertips. That stuff. The cute shit. I'll see how that goes. The abruptness of me asking, "let's hold hands?" and him suddenly shy? Hm. I wonder how. As our roles have changed and I'm shy and timid, and he's more, so much more confident. It's odd, but I'm so happy for him to finally feel confidence with me. That, right now is just the best thing for him and it makes me so happy for him. *Sigh* I feel like I'm changing again. And feel like I'm holding back, yet still feel myself slipping and letting myself really begin to like him suddenly. I guess I'm holding back because I'm afraid - I've never, ever dated anyone like him. And that has to be special. But in me, does he feel as if he's never dated anyone like me? Am I even special to him, other than the fact, I asked him out and that I'm so screwed up with dating? Just what does he feel? 8:45 a.m. - 2005-11-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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