sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what a thing I had another good day with work guy. It was cute as I left my place at noon and no sooner had I got in my car did he call and ask "are you lost? I wanted to call to see if you were alright." I said I was just running slightly behind. So I got there and we went to the gallery and to lunch and then to where we work for a second, to my place, then to his place. He put his arm around me and he told me about how when he dates someone he only dates one person and thinks it's kind of "cheating" when someone else dates another person - though it's just "dating." I quickly said I wasn't dating anyone else. Which is the truth. I'm not. We spend about 12 hours together and he asked me three times tonight if I had a good time. I said of course, we always do. Anyway, I had him hold my hand and he said he wanted to before but thought it to forward and I said, with me??? And we both had a laugh, I felt slightly whorey. We both flirted and we laughed and he's still getting comfortable touching me and I'm starting to do his touch when saying something. Though, whoops ... in my car, in the dark I put my hand on his leg to say it's OK when he got a lil crazy about something and went a lil TO FAR in my fuckinggg....the dark and the distance, I got very very near to that place and he got quiet quick and I was like FUCK. But smoothed it over...okay the dark wasn't my friend. Anyway, my thought tonight is on fireman. After work guy said the whole no other dating thing. I agreed. And though I'm not dating fireman he IS coming here to spend the night in December. I'm sitting here thinking now, I DO want to see fireman. But feel pretty fucking ODD about it. I mean ... I just feel like me and fireman, though just friends, might have sex again. I dont' mind this because to me it's just sex - not emotional, not for a relationship, not for anything. Just like having fun - in that sense. Just sex, nothing else. I know I'd die if work guy did that to me, so I'm right now having an attack of morals. It is known, if fireman comes to spend the night, we'll have sex. I don't mind having sex with him, I enjoyed it before. However I don't want to feel like I'm cheating on work guy. We're not committed ... we're dating, but in that, I feel like we're committed and now I'm confused. I want to see fireman. But feel like I'm going to get bad karma with this deal. Thing is, I PROMISED fireman this, all the way back when that I'd spend time with him. Now, can I go back on this, I feel evil because even now he says seeing me is the only thing he looks foward to when he gets home, etc. GuILt GUilt GUILT. Fireman knows we're just friends. He knows I don't want committment. But I said I wouldn't mind another toss in the hay because it was fun that night, and I did enjoy it. But now, I just feel odd. I want to see him, dont mind the sex, but morally feel wrong. I don't know what to do. The thing is, if I do this, will I FEEL like I'm cheating? Work guy will never know, but I'd know. And in that, could I deal with knowing? And what IF work guy found out? Would he dump me? I think I know those answers. I found out tonight, his wife told him of her being unfaithful three days before they were going to have their wedding reception/celebration. He had to call up all the people they invited to tell them it was off. What a thing. 12:42 a.m. - 2005-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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