sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ready is the word Okay I did it. I told fireman that I'm committed, to find someplace else to stay when he gets here. That, we can hang out, but only as friends because I don't cheat. I said we could still go do whatever, however I WILL tell work guy about it - and get his OKAY first. And say work guy if you feel weriod, then I will not see him. I don't even KNOW if I want to still even SEE fireman, and risk anything. I am cutting off fireman, if he wants to be friends, okay. But sex. NO. I can't do that to work guy. I just cannot. I thought about it all last night, I felt if I have sex with fireman after what work guy said to me yesterday, that I'd be just as bad as his ex-wife. I don't want anyone else. And right now, I feel scared and happy and just shocked. I deleted all my profiles on the net - match.com and from yahoo personals. All gone. Zip. It's serious now. Next step is committment. It's something now. Something and I think we're both scared but we keep going on with it. Last night I told him I liked what we had going on and I would hate to lose it right now. I just feel like I'm letting him in these walls and if I get rejected and this good time ends, that my heart would entirely break. God. A relationship like this has been under my nose, our noses for so long. For more than a year. For so long and we talked about it. And I said the timing wasn't right before. And now, we're going and off and now I feel finally, ready to committ. I've let go of my old ways, let go of fireman the last of my no-moral past...my online personals gone. I feel so excited and scared and nervous and anxious. I feel like crying because I am so so afraid. I cried today because of how he won tickets to this comedy club and said, I want to take you. And we can go with your sister and her fiance if you want to. He wants to go sometime in February, and I thought, this boy is serious, the future, he sees includes me and him ... a formation now of us. Then he asked if we were going to go to the work Christmas party, together, as a couple. Dropping the bomb ... on everyone, we're an item. Suddenly it's serious, it has to be and suddenly all the other things in life seem to not matter. It's just funny finally to feel and be in a realtionship where it's equal like-age. He likes me and I like him and he cares and cares. And it makes me cry right now because it's so sweet and I've never encountered this type of care in any man I've dated. And I cry because of how I thought I could see fireman and it "not matter." Inside I knew and know it would matter - to myself. I could sleep with fireman and though it'd just be sex, though I could hide it from work guy ... I WOULD KNOW. Me. Inside. This lie. This deceit. To this wonderful man who has treated me like no other ever has. Why would I that to him? Risk losing him? Never. Ever. I really upset myself thinking it'd be okay. I knew it last night that I couldn't do that, not morally, not me and not to him. It's not right. I've know this for a while now and just realized it today and told fireman and now feel my karma is good again, feel I'm okay with God, feel like now, finally nothing can stop me and work guy, no secrets to be had. I am only his. It was funny last night, when he told me about his dating views about only dating one person, etc. And how upset he seemed to get, that I just blurted out, "I'm not seeing ANYONE ELSE" and he seemed to soften and maybe I set any questions to bed with him. Lord. The boy likes me and is falling, I can see it in his eyes and suddenly I see it in myself. Scared and happy. Ready is the word. 4:57 p.m. - 2005-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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