sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy for I find myself clinging to my diary again. Really no one can exactly relate to me right now - I woke up feeling slightly guilty about fireman. I told my sister what I did and she was like you "IM'ed him??!!" I said, yes cause I don't really talk to him on the phone and and and .... I know, in that, it was bad to hear, but in what I did, I feel a lot better. However today feel scared, odd to even talk to him again. I'm not taking his calls and screening my calls at home. Just for a few days at least. Just until I know he's read it and maybe he'll just leave me alone now? Not even reply and delete me from his life. I look at his number on cell phone and wonder when I should delete it. Someone called my apartment at 10:30 last night. I didn't answer and they didn't leave a message. Either Pooks or Fireman. Then someone called my cell phone too - a 708 number? That's in Ilinois - Chicago area. I wonder who it was because I didn't get the phone in time and wondered if that one dude I used to talk to forever ago was calling again? The number looks familiar, but they didn't leave a message. I really hate to not answer the phone, it bothers me, but right now I can't deal with fireman, especially like last time, not getting my message and me telling him point blank on the phone that I didn't want a committment from him. How shitty it must be for him, he's looking forward to seeing me. I first say, I don't want a committment from you. Then now I say, I dont' want anything more than friendship, no sex. Just frienship. When all along we've talked about sex again and what we'd do, etc. Maybe it was just fantasy, because the thought of having sex with him again was odd. He's still a stranger. And it's still wrong. I have a case of the morals, and though I've done the right thing, I still feel guilty for leading him on as I did and flaunting and giving false hope. Saying, well I won't be committed by then, and I can't wait to see you. Etc. That is horrible of me to do, but I guess bad of him to expect these things from me like that. In that situation. Bad of me to think I could do that to work guy - I knew and know that I can't do that to him. I care to much for him, and it disgusts me that I thought about doing that. We both are wrong, but I can't help feel sorry for him. I also can't wait until I can let these feelings go. I believe they will be short lived and the question of if I'll ever talk to him again and knowing if we do, I'll have to explain all over, it's just hard to think of. Do not want to deal with this. Anyway, my new BCP is okay. I feel better than before. However last night I became so fuckin' hungry it wasn't funny. I don't know if that was emotional eating because I feel odd about what happend or what. I guess I didn't do to badly. I made a big pot of rice to eat for the week - and had a coffee cup full of rice along with 4 pierogies. I also had some chips and threw out the dip I had. Now my fridge is basically bare. No milk, nothing. Just condiments and two cans of pepsi, bag of lettuce. I'm going to stop drinking pop and drink more water. I worry about gaining right now and about water retention. I think pop will only worsen how I feel. Maybe me drinking to much pop yesterday is what made me so hungry that I was ready to make a pot pie after I'd just eaten dinner --- I didn't ---- and I went to bed with a glass of water and some fruit snacks (low fat) and sucked on them a while. I'm going to start one of my slim in si x dvd's today and just kind of mix it up with going to the gym and then using those dvd's. I get bored fast, so who knows how long this will last? I hope I do okay. I bought a new fitness band yesterday at Target for it. Regardless, I wonder if work guy will email me today. He's supposed to call to get some days for us to go to that comedy club. I still love how he looks to the future with us ... saying we could go in February. When he does things like this, I can't help but be quiet and let the sweetness soak in. It's very odd, cause I know he means these things he says. So now, I should think of work guy and know that I let go of fireman for him and myself. That I'm making sacrafices and am gambling on him and am taking chances and yes in all, letting myself like him fully and w/o thinking about baggage and being hurt before. I have to tell him that I do want to go to that christmas party with him and that I would've went to that games night party thing if we were closer, or there was more time between us, in the future I will, but going with the possiblity of seeing the ex ... and being with my work guy, right now is a lot to take in. Though ex doesn't run my life and I can't say I'm not going to do something cause of the possiblity of HIM being there, is just lame. But that's in the future, right now, I think me and work guy need to be stronger, as one, before I hit that obstacle. I feel he understands, but maybe last time feels slightly let down by it. It's funny as before he's never, ever, wanted to go to games nights. That I've heard he has not, now suddenly, with me, he wants to be Mr. Social? Funny boy. Show us off. Oh well. I don't mind. Sometimes I feel like I still have this wall up with him. Though sometimes I feel that same wall with him ... his shyness, whatever he has got going. Right now I'm wondering how he's ever going to kiss me for real. Not a peck. A real kiss. Not that I'm pushing, but sometimes I can feel it - I think we're nearly ready for this step, but lately I'm the one that at the end of the night it's like kiss me, hug me get it done with. Probably because ... I don't know, I can't see it happening, the timing, the lighting, awkwardness, uncomfortable. It's not the spur of the moment kiss, but planned. So we cannot kiss in anyway with that. Just a peck is right for those moments. I figure, our next "I'll bet you" comment, I'm going to say if I win, you have to kiss me more than one second. That ought to redden his cheeks. Which I can't help but laugh at. Though I wonder what my bet will be ... I know he wants to say that shit, but is still shy with me. He is getting a lot more comfortable with me, the shit he says, that raunchy boy. It's funny though. I love when he talks like that, but in the next minute should I even get close to him, he clams up - though not so bad now. I feel like I'm just helping things move along, but I think as the boy he feels like he has to take the lead - as he should. I thought about my ex and on our like 4th-5th date we'd made out and he'd touched the boobs, and I remember him trying to touch me below. I wouldn't move my legs open for him to do it and he stopped and then after it apologized for going so fast. I guess I had slight morals at that time and now, I realize how fast we went. I like work guys ways, though I think we at least should be making out right now, some touching. We've had 7 dates for pete's sake. Still that nervous, awkwardness. We need to jump this intimacy hurdle. I think we both want to, but unsure just when or how to .... But exactly - no hurrying ... and no pressure. I can't wait to see him again, and am sitting here thinking when! Friday? Saturday? I hate waiting. I just feel better now that I have no secrets from him, no moments where my morals will be compromised. I couldn't, the moment he told me about dating, then about his ex, how hurt he was, what a sweet boy he is, I just could not do anything to hurt him, even if he'd never know, I would and that is maybe worse. I just couldn't and now feel morally right, on his level. Finding the right path, the good path. Etc. Getting away from Bad Jen of the past few months. Work guy is good for me. I see it now, at first I didn't but now I just feel it. And maybe that is all that matters. He's getting me back on the right path, and that's so much to be thankful for and soo much for me to try to make him happy for. 8:37 a.m. - 2005-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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