sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- something. It's a grey, ugly day. We're getting snow tomorrow supposedly. Tonight is thunderstorms. Yesterday was 31 mph winds. A box of kittens was left outside work here for the past two days. Not until a lady almost drove over this box, but instead getting out to move it - to find a box of baby kittens. To young to be w/o a mother, and no mother present in box. A few people here adopted them, the rest were taken to a shelter. Sorry, but all the mew'ing I heard was driving me crazy. It was constant mew'ing. Then this girl near my desk took one of them and the thing just fucking cried the whole time. I did my job quick, not sure if I did it right, and got out of here. The crying sound, made me to anxious. Like crazy. I wondered how I'd ever have a baby, kids, with me being annoyed just by a kitten(s) crying. Ugk. Anyway, I joined up for a chili cookoff here at work. I bought all the stuff for it last night - ala $67 dollars in groceries. I guess that's not to bad, but most of it went to buying cans of beans and meat ... lord 2.5 lbs of meat. The recipe I have makes a huge amount of chili. I figure I'd freeze the left overs. And yes, I am not going to take a lot of it to the cook off. Maybe half a crock pot full. I then plan to go shoot pool with work guy and then back to my place for some chili and rice. Or with chips, whatever. I just have to tell him of our date plans as I haven't just yet. I don't want him to think he has to plan everything. Anyway, haven't heard from fireman and I deleted him from my yahoo IM list. I figure he's not going to ever speak to me again. I'll give it another week before I delete him from my cell phone. On Saturday we talked briefly and in that I realized just how blah he was and how I didn't care. So maybe it was a sign. And more of a sign when work guy told me his philosophy on dating. I realize in dating someone, it kind of drudges up the past and makes you feel and remember a lot of things about your ex's. I asked him about what happend, exactly when she told him how she'd be cheating. He told me and his demeanor turned quite dark suddenly. He asked me a lot of questions again. Like he had a list of things. I wonder if they are mama questions, things his friends want to know. I feel interviewed sometimes. While I will coldly point out things such as telling him last time about how he shouldn't do things just to make me happy, such as seeing me every week. But only do it if he wants to. I hate when people try to appease me! I said, I'll know if you do that. He said "okay okay" quickly and was like I'd never do that, I want to see you. Then laughs and he says while rubbing his face, I'll just remove these barbs from this side of my face. Then I feel embarassed, but feel like I had to say it because he needs to know. It's a weriod thing. Like him always saying if I have an issue with him, to let him know and not write it in my diary until I'm ready to blow. I know I do that sometimes, but often times I'll just say it to him, I find myself doing that. Regardless, I didn't do my Slim in Si x last night. I sat there thinking, you know I fucking hate exercise videos. I would rather go to the gym instead of doing that. So I opted to really hit the gym again, like before. I have an exercise band at home now, so I plan to use it sometimes, maybe while watching tv, or whatever. Though it's still laying on my chair, exactly where I placed it about 2 days ago. Soo this week is a bore. I'm making chili Thursday night. Friday night I don't know and not sure when I'll see work guy. Maybe Saturday. I wish I had something to do on Friday night. I'll probably hit the gym and go home and chill. I seem to do that a lot now. Anyway next week is Thanksgiving, I'm going to drive up to see my parents on Wednesday night. I took Friday off (though I can't next year) ... and will stay w/ my parents until Sunday. I am mildly thinking about work guy and when I'll see him that week. Or if he'll call on Thanksgiving or whatever. I shutter to think last year at this time I was making Thanksgiving for then boyfriend - I bought all the items for it. I spent so much money on it all, bought a card table so we could all eat together. Everything. I must've spent at least $200 or more. Even bought a table cloth for it. Champagne to drink and another for the turkey. I made everything to perfection. And all for him because of this bs sob story about his past Thanksgivings. And my grandma was still alive and she was impressed that I cooked it all and did a good job. Everyone knew it wouldn't last. So now, this year things have changed. Nothing really is the same. Grandma died. I broke it off with fuckface. Now I'm going to my parents where they'll cook and I'll sit there solo - while my fucking sister and her goon fiance hold hands and kiss in front of me. And my parents will say, "what will we be doing next year?" And someone will say something about me and work guy and probably "maybe you'll be the one engaged." And I'll be there solo. Feeling left out yet again and feeling and wondering if he feels and gets this bull shit too. But he's the golden boy of his family. His sister is 26 and bulmic, doesn't work and can't shake that "disease." I think she'll probably die from it - she's had it since she was 18. Now years later, still at it. Weakens the heart. And that's it. No other siblings. While his father has had multiple strokes. Can't take care of himself and needs to be watched. So mother watches father and sister. That's her life and her job. No one works. Work guy is the one on his own, rebuilding his life from divorce. His father used to beat him. Mental abuse, maybe that's why he takes it slow. with me. His mother tells him not to go fast with me, not to make the same mistakes. I just love how he acts like he hasn't told her much, but then suddenly saying she's telling him not to make the same mistakes. I guess they are happy for him, but now worry for him. Everyone does. Everyone tells me to be careful with him, etc. Since when am I the heart breaker? Still, we're truckin' on. And I wonder what he feels, thinks about us. Undoubtedly we are attracted. And now I'm missing the affection. I'm trying to handle that with kid gloves. I read that because he's a cancer, he's slow to start up anything serious. Even with sex - that's slow slow slow. While me, the Gemini, I'm about fast and living in the now. I want it NOW and hate waiting. Impatient is my name. I'm flightly. I'm taking love on a whim, while he takes love with seriousness. But maybe that's what makes us work so well. Oh well, I'm tried of analyzing it. I just can't wait to see him again, I always feel - well it increases in the week - without him I start to feel like it's not real? It's hard to explain. Sometimes I just wish I could see him more than once and that he'd suddenly want to kiss me as badly as I want him to. Can I be the only one? I wish I had that restraint. But I think if I didn't ask and somewhat push a lil that he'd never do it. Gentle coaxing, that's what I call it. Come out of that shell, it's okay. Oh well, I'm going to really concentrate on weight loss now. Eating, exercise, the whole nine yards. Last night I made two italian sausages - and while they were cooking had a big bowl of rice with some sweet n sour sauce, a lil butter and some soy sauce. By the time the sausages were done I was full. So I wrapped them up and put them away. I also am making my lunches now, I just can't do Lean Cuisines anymore. That food, the thought of it, makes me ill. I bought some buns and some turkey and some olive loaf. So that's lunch with some goldfish crackers. Also not drinking pop anymore. So I figure it's a start and it's in my head to do this suddenly. I feel a lot better today - my period is done. Yay! So great to have it normal like this, though I wonder what would happen if I got off these pills. I foresee odd periods again. So I'll take the mood swings and headaches. I feel okay today. Just feeling kind of tired suddenly. I read they give a very large dose of estrogen in the first week of these pills. So Sunday I'll begin on a lower dose. Maybe that'll help me out some with mood swings, etc. Eh, I just feel odd now. Werid? I don't know how to explain it. I feel something and maybe it's not pill induced feelings. I know I'm still on fireman thought. Should I feel bad? I'm trying not to think about it and just forget it. Like I forgot cop and I forgot ex. Most of ex is gone, I feel nothing for the man. It's odd. I dislike him, but not enough to say I hate him? Cop too. He's an ass, but at least it's over. Though sometimes I miss cop. So still have that inside, secret that I miss him .. not the sex, but him, the personality. That coolness he had, the uncaring about everything. I should've known. I was his entire and utter fool. Why does that make me laugh now? And I often wonder if he even thinks about me and what he did. Probably doesn't though I can't help but know in the future receiving an IM from him, suddenly, of "hi...." or something. Just like I cannot help by know my ex will somehow contact me with a .."hi....." too. He's supposedly engaged now. To be married next year. Whatta fool he is and that girl, worse and her two children? Fucked up. Welcome to his bills and his lack of emotion. He just wants a mother and someone to clean up after him. That's what work guy says too. He knows what he is, yet still is his friend. That kind of bothers me, though I will not tell him who to be friends with. But he knows, he's morally wrong. And how work guy spews about morals and how he wouldn't have it dating someone w/o morals, sometimes it feels more like that's just fluff. Because really, if I suddenly changed and became a bad person, would he leave me? I can't see that, he spews it, but does he believe it? Does anyone really believe some of the things that come out of their mouths? Just filler conversations and fluff. Some of it's real. With work guy I believe he believes what he says, but some of it, I dont' think his convictions are that strong. He seems slightly weak to me, rebuilding some area os himself still. Not sure what, confidence I believe. And in that I think I help him slightly. He just needs to .... RAR wake up the passion in him. Lord knows...mine has been awakened and hates feeling so fucking TAMED right now. Passion doesn't neccessarily mean sex, but in everything. The things you love and like, lord if you can't feel that passion ... then what's the point? Give yourself fully into something, but not half asses. He needs to let himself go more, be free more? I guess that is our difference. He seems scared and I feel ... ready to go pounce. Let's get the show on the road dude. He's trying and I'm trying to understand. He's gotten better, but let's put some gas on, just a lil right now. I think I need that emotional rapport. Something. 8:43 a.m. - 2005-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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