sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a wall? So I went to bed early. Feeling sort of odd lately, still. Not sure what. But feeling like I must clean and must tidy up my apartment. Threw out a lot of stuff in my fridge and then old magazines. I went to sleep at 9. Then at 11 the phone rings. I pick it up w/o thinking, I figure it must be Pooks. No. It's fireman. I was in a dead sleep and to wake up to "Hi Jen, how are youuu" him with that soft southern accent. I say "oh ... hi...um....OH...hi..." I remember the Im I sent and wonder if he got it. He tells me that the net has been down, but he did just get my IM. I'm like, sorry. He's pissy, says he understands. He's suddenly saying, well I was going to surprise you with tickets to Bl ue Man Gr oup. He tries to tease and flaunt this, saying, but nooo you want a relationship. I say, flatly, "I've seen that show three times now." He says, "Oh" and then I say, if you were in my shoes you'd do the same, a chance for a relationship. He says he wouldn't and goes into how his job fucks up his personal life. He's hurt. I hurt him. He's trying to hide it and the more he does, the more evident. I say, we can still hang out, but no sex. Nothing. Just friends. He asks if we really can do that. I say I have morals now. So I don't know what will happen. He bet me I'd be engaged to this guy in December. I say there is no way in hell. We bet a night of sex on it. I also bet that I won't be sleeping with work guy by then as well. We bet money on that one. So he asks about work guy and is jealous. I refuse to tell him - his name. He calls me Mrs. Work Guy. He says he'll come over the night he gets in and we can get something to eat and watch a movie. I say, we're not going to watch a movie. He says he's going to make a move on me to see just how serious I am about work guy. It's his turn to hurt me now. And it's odd. It sucks because a part of me still wants to mess around with him. Not sure why, maybe cause I'm not getting it from work guy, or simply because he has a rough sexiness, rawness about him. But I tell him, I don't cheat on my boyfriends, though me and work guy are not committed, he doesn't know this. He asks why I'm with him if we haven't even had sex yet, I say because we're taking it slow. It's unique and it's nice. I call him Satan cause he keeps tempting me. And me, I'm weak enough to do it. I'm sly enough to get away with it, but my morals and the thought of work guy, is why I can't go through with it. But now, I dont' trust myself. Especially since last night I lay in bed pissed off that every move work guy has made has been through my request. Hold my hand, kiss my cheek, hug me, kiss my lips. It's me, again and again, reaching out to them. Them not reaching out to me. Me always initiate, and stuff. So maybe that's my attracting (sex only) to fireman. He goes for it. Work guy, doesn't and that bothers me. I lay in bed prior to fireman getting more angry that we've been dating a month now, and next date is date number 8 and still have to deal with this same old end of date shit. I'm tired and bored with it. I'm going to ask him about this next time. Is this working for you? Because it seems automatic and not very romantic .... Like saying goodbye to relatives. Come on, I need passion. I'm so fucking bored with it. We're great at everything else. But romantic stuff, I'm so bored with and frustrated with. Sorry, ya'll say that it's good he's going "slow" but it's just getting way to fucking slow now...we've gotten to know each other, but now it's like are we just fucking friends playing relationship? This is what is driving me towards a torrid night with fireman, just to be able to feel someone want me and ME not asking. I don't feel like work guy wants me at all, he never reaches for me and he might hug me harder or whatever. I got bored with that act 2 dates ago. So I'm not sure what to do or say, other than we need to change or up the anty. I'm getting bored and with me, that gets me into trouble fast. He's great, but in that area, he lacks and to me, that area is equal importance. Sorry, if you don't feel loved, wanted, then what is it that we are?? So I'm very tempted with fireman suddenly and wondering how I'll be when he's there. I know it's wrong, but the evil/devil part of me relishes this. And would it be considered cheating when we're not committed? To him it would. To me, it's just sex. Nothing more. But for now, I say no I can't do that still. But also for now we need to have a lil talk. Or something. I'm tired of this game, I want to say who makes these rules and most of all WHY do I have to follow them to? At first it was cute and I respected that, now I grow very very tired and frustrated with this. Come on girls, you've been on 8 dates - a month and some days of dating and all you get is a hug and a closed mouth two second kiss - that you've had to ask for - and only at the end of dates?! Please, try to relate. Feeling unhappy about it, mostly. And in that, upset and in that, should tell him. It's sad cause shouldn't he want to kiss me and do these things to me? I mean that's a relationship, the want and need for this closeness and affection. With him, I swear to God it's like he's asexual. I'm the one that always flirts with him and the like...it's like my fucking ex all over again, me reaching out my hand to him. Always. Okay, I will NOT stand for this all over again. Either I'll talk to him about it or altogether stop reaching out to him and let HIM do the reaching, if he ever dares to, wants to. I need affection, I'm sorry. Everyone thinks it's sooo great that he's going slow....but when does slow come to such a thing that it soon equates to stop. To hitting a wall? 8:45 a.m. - 2005-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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