sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i worry. Sorry to update twice. I was thinking about WG - as I have all day - I talked with a friend of mine and asked his advice. He says I should talk to him. But right now I'm just thinking about it. I'm trying to figure out if there is any "fire" (as LoveStreet's note says) in us. I'm trying to figure out if I've felt it. I think I did last time, it's sort of there. I feel something is there. But also know his shyness hides it away. My friend who also is a divorced male, says that he was deeply hurt, and getting back in the saddle DOES take time. However, I need to tell him these things. For the record - he does kiss me. But only pecks. One second things, then kisses on the cheek. Not entirely asexual, but also seemingly does it on his own, however, seemingly automatic. I say there is an expiration date to everything. Right now it's hard because I truly like him. Communication, friendship. We have those bases covered. Intimacy? There are issues. Not with me this time either, with him. I was questioning why I have to play by his rules. His dating and his old school ways. Why can't I up the anty and say, listen this is how I want it. I think I've played his lil game for a while now ... I think it's time he starts to play it my way. So I know this is sure to be the topic of conversation the next time we go out. I'm going to ask him to play pool and eat some of the chili I'm making for the cookoff at work. It's a odd topic, a werid, why don't you make some moves and what exactly do you mean "it takes time." Sad thing is he knows this and just is whatever to shy, whatever to begin it. Right now, I'm going to say, this is feeling like how it was w/ my ex. Me, reaching out and me the one having issues with this. So I'm upset a lot about it today. It's been smooth sailing until this thing - which dear readers have I NOT been saying it all along how he'd never make a move. It seriously hurts my feelings a lot. Maybe it's not his fault or whatever, I'll listen to him, but right now I just feel unloved and no affection from it all. I told my mom briefly about it and said I'm tired of playing by his rules. She said, you play by his rules because you love him. I said, WHAT? I don't LOVE him. I like him, but love? I am far from love right now, I just feel let down, disappointment. Sad. Talk about rushing it. So I stopped talking about it cause ... that was just to fucking odd for my mom who has already fucking planned out my wedding to him. Right now, I feel stand offish about him because I'm very upset about this. I know he likes me, but in that, why can't he do these small things I ask, is it so hard to kiss me and hold my hand without me asking? If it is, then we're better off friends until he can learn to do these things. No girl will stand for this, unaffection and asking and waiting. Tired. Anyway fireman and I chatted again. I told him I didnt want to hurt him and told him a lot of things. I asked what he would do in my shoes. It's really hard now because fireman is ready to step up to plate for me, no asking there, it's tempting. So he said he's just let things happen. If they do, they do and if they dont' they don't. I can't help but feel like he takes the brunt of my flightly ways anymore. Up and down with me it seems. One minute I want him the next I'm ready to cast him aside. He said he's more than interested in me. What does that mean? Regardless, I'm very messed up on this whole subject and the girl in me wants to call up WG and just blurt everything out to him. I know I can't. Not like that. I don't even know how to say these things to him. And how do I say it without embarassing him or hurting him? I'm stupid with my words, I let them out without even thinking sometimes. Just to get the thoughts out and frustration I can end up making him feel like shit. I like him, and dont' want to fuck this up. I know he aims to please me and sometimes I wonder if I didnt' make this an issue ... or a big issue ... that it would even be an issue. Still I think a month of dating, and all I get are pecks and strong hugs and cheek kisses. I still need to think on this, meditate, come to something. I can't say that I don't feel hurt from this lack of affection. Somehow I don't think it's me, but him. And what should I expect from a person who hasn't dated in two years, nothing since his wife, what does he think or feel about it. It's hard to come to conclusion about it. I just can't help but be selfish and think the worst and feel this sudden pain/hurt while I know he doesn't know it, or maybe he does when he sees disappointment on my face. God I could cry right now. The advice guy said things that also made me think, that I've given WG all these chances, but that everyone needs love and soon I'll go elsewhere to find it. That's where fireman comes in, that's where I worry. 12:30 p.m. - 2005-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||