sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to live for. Eh, I asked WG out for a weekend of pool shootin' - this weekend. His reply "Sure, sounds good." I really wish he'd be neurotic like me and ask "when, where, what time?" Cause that's what I'm thinking. I'm being way to sensitive right now with him. Taking everything to mean something entirely other than it's simple meaning. I don't know if it's the pill? Since I've started taking it, I just feel odd. Not myself I guess. I do feel more awake/alive w/ this pill than with that other one. I also feel bloated right now, my appetite goes to extremes too. Mostly headaches, occassional nausea - but not bad. The last pill I was probably consistently always feeling like shit. Erm. I'm still worried about weight gain. Have been eating better - and last night made up my chili for the cook off Friday. I have weriod cravings though. Lately it's for meat. I usually dislike meat, but now I'm hankering steaks and the like. So I've been making turkey sandwiches - I figure better for me. I am bloated though. My face and stomach tell the story of my bloatedness. I am trying to figure on cutting back on salt and caffenine. Drinking more water? Something. I'm taking my vitamins now and am going back to the gym tonight and will go Sat and Sunday - hopefully. My hands smell like the onions I cut up last night. It reminds me of my mom's hands when I was a kid. I don't mind onion hands, makes me feel like a cook though last night let me tell you TEARS when into that chili. The onion was so strong or whatever, I usually dont' tear up from cutting up onions, but fuck last night my eyes stung so bad...yikes. I am worried I'm getting sick. I woke up with a sore throat and ear ache. That sucks. The guy who sits behind me has been so so sick. My chest also hurts - more like my lungs are achy? I dont' know if I slept odd or if the cold air affected my lungs or what. They still are mildly achy and my throat is scratchy. Other than this I feel pretty much okay. I'm happy to feel alive again, when before I felt nearly depressed and neurotic a lot. Now....I still can't pin point how I feel now. Just ODD. Does that make sense? Actually let me say I'm over sensitive. I wanted to cry while talking to fireman cause I know I hurt him. And I can't hurt people and not care. Then suddenly realizing that I do care for him in some way, then before I thought I could toss him off soo easily. I can't. I dont' know why. Then WG, feeling suddenly like it's the beginning of the end or something. When reading Girlie's note made me realize his possible side and made me think that I'm making a big thing out of nothing. It's hard though, so many people give me advice. And yes, this time, everyone one of you has given me different advice that contradicts everyone elses. One was sleep with fireman if WG isn't willing. Then one was yeah there's something wrong with WG, then Girlie's notion - well what I say - is to chill out, don't cheat, relax and not ... whatever...dwell? Harp? Over think WG. Things just happen. I dont' know what to think or do anymore. I could do this or that, and right now I'm thinking about it all. I can't make any decisions it seems. Nothing that'll stay. I can say one moment I'd never sleep with fireman, then in the next I could say that I would. I realize he's always cared for me. And I realize that he's always been there for me. But in that, if I sleep with him again, to me it's just sex, to him, what will it mean? And can I deal with knowing I did this to WG? He'd never know, but could I be with him knowing this, or could I say we're still just dating, and though he figures that is like committment, I don't have to? Or now I can say, well how do I really feel for WG if I'm thinking about sleeping with someone else? Seriously. So to many questions and no answers. I am actually following advice of fireman ... to do, at the moment, what feels right to you. Simple as that. Eh. I just feel confused and feel kinda upset lately for no reason. Feel like ... I did before. I keep thinking about last year w/ ex and feel like history might be repeating itself. Me and work guy are in the same time period ... he's taking me to the Xmas Party here at work...and I know at least, well sadly, he won't put his arm around me or his hand on my knee like my ex did. That's the sad part I suppose. To me at least. But fuck I'm just happy to be going with him. To be with him. I can say these things will happen in the future, but have I done damage to myself in this? I mean I can't be disappointed with the man and not let him know. I also can't just tell him this now, a catch-22 ... I can't see myself rushing him, I can say how I feel, but that won't make him go any faster and if he does ... then I'll always question if he's doing it for me or for himself. I'd rather he do it for himself, at his pace, than for me? Flip flop me, again. I don't know. Regardless a co-worker just came up - crying as her brother died. And me, I asked if I could do anything and she said give me a hug and I did. I nearly started crying myself and got teared up because...I don't know I get emotional about loss of loved ones. I could've cried along with her and told her, call me for anything and I said I'd call her/email her too. Now the evil girl in me is thinking, since she's gone, maybe they'll give me some of her work? I know that's bad. I guess I'm an opportunist? Yeah, I believe there is a good part of me and an equally bad part. I always thought I was kind and friendly, but I have this really bad side of myself that I seem to hide a lot, but evidently it comes out and suddenly I make bad decisions with. Hmm...I am a true Gemini I guess. Oh well. I feel sad about her loss. Really I do. Especially with siblings, that's just hard to deal with. I would die if my sister died. Or my parents, something. So sudden. I couldn't deal. I would rather die than have them die. At this point, I would give my life for theirs as I feel I am living for myself anymore. No husband, fiance, children. Percentage wise, I have the least to live for. 8:54 a.m. - 2005-11-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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