sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it hurts I am entirely unsure as to what to do with WG and my issues. I know I've been writing about it, asking advice for several days now. Right now, I'm so confused. I can go either way on the topic, but just cannot come to a decision. As I drove into work this morning I realized that he does like me. That's not the issue it seems. I feel like he wants this to work. In that, I'm unsure why he can't play the intimacy card - I know he wants to take it slow - and I wonder if I have a special case on my hands: a man who simply hasn't dated in so long that he's unsure of himself. I can relate because when I dated my ex, I didn't even want him to touch me. Now it's reversed, the man ought to make the moves, but he's not. So am I the one who has to break him? Not sure how or when to work this into the conversation, but say at least something because last night the more I thought on it, the more hurt I felt and then I started crying. I know he isn't doing this intentionally and if he knew how upset I've been about it lately he probably would feel like an ass? Or whatever. So I know something needs to be done or said. But I feel right now that he's out to hurt me. I don't know why. I asked him to play pool this weekend. Didn't say when. I'm letting him come to me with this info. Today is Friday, so I want him to contact me. I hate to play the game this way, but I'm getting fed up mostly. We're great everywhere else. He does like me. But it hurts, seriously, that I've done all the reaching out to him concerning intimacy. I was thinking of FM last night. That passion we had, and kept wondering if me and WG would ever have this? Last time WG hugged me so hard, like he felt it, like we couldn't gone on possibly? But we were outside, in the rain. I feel like he wants to, we're in the zone of it, but somehow he can't make the move, or is to shy to...I don't know. But I can feel it, I know he wants to. So I dont' know with him sometimes. I just feel like I should pull back my emotions from this, in the case of getting hurt or letting go suddenly. I think maybe I haven't kept myself in check and have let myself fall a lil to blindly. I still feel hurt by this, the mourning period? Something. I'm going to do and act on whatever feelings I have at the time next time I see him. Tell him or not tell him. Whatever, at the moment I'll know what's right. So please, no more comments on it, I'm so confused, I just can't have another "well maybe he...." comment. I just can't deal with thinking about it all day, I already feel like I want to cry again. I mean everyone helps me out *sooo much*, but right now it's like I need to come to my own vision of it. Anyway, I'm very bloated today. In my stomach, I can feel it. It's disgusting. It has to be this pill, and it's gross feeling this way. I hope it goes away, but I'm unsure of when it will? I pray it's just something I ate, or whatever? I've been trying to eat better, but then again had a big bowl of my chili last night - so maybe this is causing this bloating. I also still feel odd in such a way I can't pin point it out. I feel more awake, but maybe more emotional? Sensitive? I don't know if I'm going back into depression again because for the past three days I've been ready to cry at work. What the fuck is it with hormones and depression? Seriously, I've never had such up and downs in my life. It scares me that this ANGER is back. This pissy side of me that I'm trying to control - which what is what got my parents very worried about me. I sit at work and today am like leave me the fuck alone, two coworkers smiling at me goodmorning and I say Hi back, but am thinking leave me the fuck alone. Grr. I hope this passes, I read the first week back on this new pill always bites because it's a higher dose of estrogen, then next week a lower dose, the third even lower and the fourth is the placebo.... but with iron in it. Sooo.... Anyway, I pray to God WG comes around suddenly. The things he says about us in a relationship is lovely. But the things that don't happen, is what is really making it hard to breathe sometimes. I hate to think of this ending on account of something that should come so easily. That attraction. That passion, the need and want. Has that boy been without it for so long that he's forgotten it? I know when I got back in the saddle at first I was scared, but then came alive and since then have remained passionate and ready. I figure if I were without it, touch, kisses, sex for two years, I think I'd be very unsure and rusty. But at least try it. Though making the first move, I doubt I could do - well me w/o it for so long. Right now, I can make the first move and would if only he made me feel like he wanted me to, or whatever. I dont' know. It's so fucked up and maybe that's why it hurts me so. I've never had a man, not try to bed me, kiss me, touch me while dating this long. Granted it took me the third date to make out with my ex. But I still tried it. I knew I had to. I even tried to talk him out of it cause I was so afraid. So is this, WG? Can guys really get like this?? Or am I making excuses again. Regardless, this weekend we shall see. Make or break it. We both like each other, and we're beyond the friendship point. So this thing, I know he has to feel it, with my disappointed sighs so often ... he has to feel this too. If not, then this really is heart breaking and I shouldn't think on it cause I could burst into tears just at the notion of it. God have I let myself fall so blindly? It hurts, it hurts. 8:41 a.m. - 2005-11-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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