sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- think. Yesterday was pretty shitty. I mean I was upset and then I talked to WG about this weekend and if he wanted to still hang out cause he hadn't contacted me. He said he thought we'd already made plans. I guess when I say the "weekend" that means "Saturday." So he's coming over today at 2, but he said he'd try to get here sooner. I also talked to my sister about the whole WG thing and how upset I felt. She said, look --- her current fiance --- only gave her pecks all the way into date 15 until finally she said, what is up w/ the pecks still? My sister said I can tell him, but (I agree) it's going to A. embarrass him and B. not going to change anything. I say if you make an issue BIG, then the person isn't going to even try cause they'll be so odd about it. Case in point: my ex always bitched how I never let him see me naked, or see my boobs. He made it a huge huge issue, every single time we were together. So I would get overly nervous and just not want to do it cause he just was such a dick about it. I never showed him my goods, maybe just a off chance glimse of it, but never the whole package. While cop, I let him see my boobs. Fireman too, fireman saw a lil bit more of me than I like. Cop, might've, I'm not sure. Still, point is, they didn't make a big DEALIO of it. So I felt comfortable enough to show them. My sister says I need to make the step. It sucks. I know. But with shy boys, I think I must. So I've hatched a plan to flirt still, and our goodbye - my sister says I should pull him back and kiss him. Hm.... I figure on doing something like this - or say, can't we do a lil bit more? I know it's odd, but no relationship is the same, people are different. The thing is giving him a chance, the thing is ... is he worth my time to "work" with him? I'll see today how he reacts. I guess I'm looking for signs again with the boy. Ask for an update on us cause I feel like I've lost some trust and faith suddenly on account of my own mind. ANYWAY. I went to bed very early last night. Went at like 9:00! Then at 11 got a phone call. I thought - fireman - but no. Not fireman. I was like, who the F is this? It was 40-year old. Lord. Mr. Depressive, odd man. We talk off and on - NOT like that. Just friends. But he said he's sick and was sitting there thinking he hadn't talked to me in a while. So we chatted and I tried to flirt with him to make him feel better. He sounded like shit and then made me depressed cause he's single and he's like the "hard times are coming up, Christmas...." So this boy is a sad sad case. But he brings it on himself. He's been single 15 years or something. It's like dude girls are EVERYWHERE. I think it's a lot to do with personality, etc. He wants a girl, but just a fuck toy and someone to whatever over. Men at fucking assholes and they don't even know it a lot of the time. So he has tickets to some baseball game and he's like "to bad you can't fly down." I wanted to say, I don't think I'd ever fly to AZ to see him cause A. he'd expect sex probably or at least try it B. I can't afford it C. I sure as HELL am not staying with him D. that's just odd. It's like I never knew men were so...I guess...never thought men would want to fuck me? Sorry I never ever thought I'd even LOSE my virginity. I was worried about it for a long long time. Now I'm whore Jen - well not really - maybe slightly addicted to sex. I don't know what happend. I figured since I was NEVER sexual prior to being 27 - I never even masterbated until I was 27! I always thought it was "bad" or "wrong" to do. But how else are you to know your body?? So I figure I'm making up for lost time? Or it's so new I'm still curious and whatever. Still it's funny to think how I've grown up since a year or so ago. Still I'm here making bad decisions sometimes, like with my FM. I sometimes want to sleep with him again and then sometimes I know I can't cause of WG. That's just going to be left alone, when FM gets here, I'll see how I feel. And if I do sleep w/ him does that say anything about how I feel about WG? I just feel that cause WG isn't giving affection, I'm getting the physical part from FM and the emotional part from WG. I guess it just feels really nice to be wanted in that way ... FM is really good at that ... the way he can make me feel a lot of the time. I guess his stick-to-it-ness. We're friends, we're lovers, we're nothing. Still we seem to talk and he tells me some of his "secrets" ... things he says he hasn't told anyone, he opens up to me. I hurt him and he tries to hurt me and then we laugh it off and forget about it. Then we get serious and talk about when we'll see each other and then we get quiet. Maybe we both know. Still, I know due to this lack of affection, I'm needing it a lot more now. I want to be good, nice, morally sound. But it gets hard for me, when you have temptations ... and not wanting to get rid of the thing that could break you. Regardless, I'm NOT going to think about this. I have to get to the gym. My sister and I are trying to really lose for her wedding. It's 4 months away! And I feel bloated and odd, so I think this is really good for me to get back. Work it off and think and think. 9:01 a.m. - 2005-11-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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