sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- shoppin' Ooh my sister came over yesterday and brought the DJ cd to decide songs for her wedding. They pretty much were gay, usually songs. Still I can't help but get goosebumps from - "I will be here" by Steve Chapman. If I ever get married, that song ... will definately be played ... first dance or something. Anyway, so yes my sister came over yesterday. I felt better ... after the week I'd had. So I said let's get lunch - and I drove to McD's and as I'm pulling out of the parking lot (it's 12:00 mind you) WG calls my cell. I'm like...wtf does he want? He's supposed to come at like 2.... So I answer and he says, well I finished early, so I'm leaving now. EEP. SO I say...oh my sister is over ... um so you'll be meeting my sister. So we rush home and I eat and get nervous and can't eat. So he comes and my meets my sister. She likes him ... she said he had the prettiest eyes she'd ever seen (they're blue) and she felt comfortable with him and liked he a lot. Good vibes. After that, we went to go play pool, on the way he mentioned Harry Potter and we decided to just go see the movie. So he paid for me (thanks) and of course, dumbass me lost my ticket! Fuck! So we got through the ticket person he showed his ticket as if both of ours were there. So I was freaking out about it if they asked and he was like, if they say anything I'll take care of it, don't worry. (thanks) We had fun - no hand holding - and afterwards went back to my apartment for some chili, etc. We ate it and I felt odd about how I felt all week. I also learned my ex dated a girl in the office a couple days after we broke up. I really felt hurt by this, and felt like I could cry. But I held it in and said quietly, we can't talk about him anymore. He said he thought I'd known or else wouldn't have ever said anything. He said if me and him ever were to stop seeing each other it'd take a while for me to date again. (aw) So after that he asked about how he thought we were going (I was going to ask him this!) I said, I think we're ... fine ... but need to work on intimacy issues cause last week I kept wondering if we were just friends ... and (I just went on mindlessly at this point) ... and I know he's old school, but I'm like "new age" dating and just never have had this. He looked upset and said, I think we're more than friends ... and said that's just how he is with it, and I said, who makes up these rules? Why do I need to follow them? We're on our 8th date...and by now ... (I trailed off). So he looked very upset and got up from his seat and started pacing and came near me. And we talked about it and I looked at him and said, I need affection and he said...OHHH...okay like it was a realization. He said, these things come in time. And I said we had bad timing and the goodbye at the end of the night is to automatic, you can't plan these things. I asked if it does anything for him, cause to me it's to planned out. He said quietly it does do something for him and suddenly I felt bad. So after all this we sat by each other on the couch and his arm around me. I knew tonight wasn't the night to try a move. So I sat there knowing at the same time I feel nervous and afraid about this - mostly because of him. Somehow, it was funny after the conversation it was like...we both agreed, at least we could TALK and communicate about this - and mostly we keep it light and not argue. Though we did have a mini funny argument about it and suddenly I felt like I was again pressuring him and I dropped it. So we watched a movie and some TV and he touched me now and then - like a joke, whatever. Arm around me, slightly touching me. Etc. He kept looking at me, and I think I know his gig for a kiss. A look in which, I cannot yet hold that look and kiss. Not when the tv is on as such, the light is blaring and I'm feeling that I can't just kiss cold turkey. I need warning, words, "Jen I'm going to kiss you" ... maybe I'm the wrong one. So he left at 1:00 ... we spent 12 hours together again. He asked to do something next Saturday, which made me happy. And I got nervous suddenly and backed up against the wall and said, I hate these goodbye cause they make me to nervous. And then I talked mindlessly. So he kissed my cheek and hugged me and again kissed and bumped noses. Fuck I hate that. So I said let's start over and I said you need to tilt your head and I kissed him - kind of hard and a lil more than a peck. Though it was maybe two seconds, I felt like, whoops...ermmm...I call that my frustration kiss. IT was odd though and I felt overly nervous and crazy. I hate that!! We also decided for Christmas I could help him pick out a tree/decorate. And we'd spend New Year's together - and might go to some party? Like one you pay and get all the booze/food, etc. Or else he said we could like do it at his house. I kept thinking, if I'm drinking, erm - oddly - spend the night? Not for sex, GOD WILLING, but for safety? I really dont' want to drive home at 1 a.m. while kinda drunk and tired. Though only 10 mins away. Oh well, my sister says he really really likes me, the way he acts and softens around me. He's falling hard, they say. Now I just feel odd, ashamed, I've been a fool with him a lot, said stupid things already and he's still here. I know he likes me, and intimacy IS coming. I can tell it - being with him, and how last night he said something I took wrong and how his hands were suddenly on me as if to say it was okay. Oh yeah and he said he wanted to kiss hello, but with my sister there he didn't want her to feel odd (not to mention we do NOT kiss hello yet)...so I was happy. He is coming around, and I'm rushing it a lil, I think I need to at this point. He needs to know how I feel though because sincerely I do need affection. And again and again after I see my lovely WG I think about fireman and right now - though I'll SEE him, right now wouldn't even kiss him hello. Nothing. WG does this to me a lot. When I don't see him for a few days, I begin to worry and wonder and then he's here and again I'm filled up with him. God can I say I'm suddenly not myself when I don't see him within a few days? I still feel afraid right now, I mean my parents like him already and my sister really REALLY liked him. It's like he's been what I've been asking for ... so besides him falling - falling hard, I think I am too. It's just odd when you realize you have someone, suddenly who'll be there for you. With him, I feel it's true and innocent love he gives. He doesn't do or say anything that he doesn't feel. Nothing he says just to appease me - it's just odd to plan for the future ... things we want to do. It's really odd cause my heart is still saying, don't plan for the future because you never know when it'll end. He said last night, I can't see this ending unless one of us is stupid. I wanted to say there is much more than that ... but I agreed. Unless one of us cheated or something. A co-worker pulled him aside (this is my friend at work who thinks I'm a nice girl) and told him DON'T MESS THIS UP. She knows what happend w/ me and ex, etc. She's the one that said ex was a real piece of work sometimes. She's the one that says WG is worth waiting for, a true gentlemen - and that's rare and something that I shouldn't take lightly. And now I wonder just if I'm taking him lightly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Scared to lose him now? But I see he feels the same, we're on the same level I think, but can't do anything about it, but fall even deeper. If anything, there is passion, something is there. The way he treats me, and tries to shelter me from the bad things and takes care of me as if he were protecting me ... making sure everything is alright. It's unique. Fireman could never do that, ex, never EVER did that. WG also asked if one day I'd ever let him read my diary. I said I don't even let my sister read it. It's personal, it's mine and he might take some things I say wrong. I don't know, but it appears I'm going to have to stay here for Thanksgiving - as Michigan is getting a big snow storm. SO my sister is "cooking" and I'm going to go there on Thanksgiving ... and she wants me to invite WG ... but he has his family. So I opted to invited him for dessert at her house. Then I'll still take Friday off and go shopping or something w/ my sister. I dunno, I just suddenly feel ... a lot for WG. And it made me cry how happy and excited he is to go to my sisters wedding and asking her about it while I was here. He really is such a great, wonderful guy. Finally, finally...and it's fucked up that he's been here all this time. He's worried about meeting my parents and I said, if you don't treat me like shit they'll like you...he said, I'll never treat you like shit Jen ... never. And he said his mom will love me and will probably pick on him for treating me right. His father is a different story I guess. He's very worried about how his parents might talk about his ex and how they hated her and knew she was wrong. I dunno, I guess you can say we're moving in this relationship, now it's the dance of meeting parents .... Anyway, the whole job thing is still up in the air. The woman who is doing a "trial" at the job - said he'll "probably" take it, yet then bitched about slow computers and slow everything. She said she'd let me know if she wanted it. I said if she doesn't I know the boss out there will NOT hire me, he just doesn't seem...to...want to take the time w/ me. I also told WG this and how odd it'd be if we had to work together cause then the weekends what would we have to talk about? He agreed and I felt suddenly scared, like would we really stop this if we worked together??? I doubt it, but the thought there, kind up upset me. Regardless, we had a wonderful time again and I hate to worry this week about that lady not wanting this job ... I pray to GOD she takes it, cause that'll free up her job and means I could probably move around FINALLY. The ball is in her court and now I'm hoping she'll do it, please please do it. Somehow I feel she won't, or ... not sure. Ok must get to gym! Wash clothes! Grocery shoppin'!!! 10:09 a.m. - 2005-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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