sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- accept them Sunday was such a bore for me. I went to the gym and did some grocery shopping, washed clothes. That's about it. I'm still not motivated enough to go through my ol' Di s ney box of stuff I brought back from my visit ... uh .... what is this now, going on two years? Gawd, no way! Time flies. I have my stuff from Cozumel and ornaments I got from every port of call ... eh. Still not motivated to crack open the box of stuff .... So anyway my sister wants WG to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. I thought this to be to much as he is spending the day w/ his family. So I opted to just ask him over for dessert. I figured he'd say no. I emailed him the invite and he emailed back that he would have to ask him mom (when dinner was) and he could probably just cut out of there early. He emailed back: "Since you're gonna be home for Thanksgiving I would like to spend time with you this holiday!" He likes to email exclamation points at the end of every sentence. So fucking jolly he is.... ah.... But I thought it was sweet of him cause I was thinking he wouldn't even want to come over because he would be with his family ... ya know...family. So I was making excuses for him, and expecting a "NO" but now it's a "well yeah, but let me check just in case." I told him that I wanted to see him too on Thanksgiving cause I can't spend time w/ my parents due to the winter storm there. And that I enjoyed my time w/ him. So aren't we enduring in some odd way that we both are wanting to spend ... whoa holiday time together. I guess it's a good sign that when I think of him, I actually smile. Or think about things he's done or said and laugh to myself. Silly boy. At least we have that, we do have a good time together.... It's just this oddness we get when it comes to other things. We want to, but nervous to. Last time, the boy did step up to the plate. While walking in he lightly put his hand on my back - you know how guys guide you. I'm not complaining anymore, we've had the proverbial TALK now. He knows, and I know where he's coming from. I think it'd be to cliche for last time to do that stuff. But I think I ought to ask just how he knows when to kiss. There are two different types - those who just look at you and then you kiss w/o words. Then like me, who has to verbally say it. I guess that's why I'm a gemini - communication - let's talk about it! I just can't help it, I need to know and I believe he's the type that does it with a look. He's the right one too, a well placed look should be the first ingredient of a well planned kiss. I know last time he kept looking at me. And I did return a look, but not long enough to say, kiss me. I'm not good with eye contact. Never have been. He is mister eye contact. Anyway I realized a lot last night while laying in bed. I'm still not fully trusting right now. I think a lot of it is how we, well he seems to bring up my ex. So I went from not even thinking about that FOOL for like months, weeks, etc. And now, it's like last time he ended up talking about him and I said for the second time, we shouldn't talk about him. So I'm sort of reliving the hurt I felt back then ... merely because of these new things. Like suddenly I just felt upset and hurt all over again to find out ex dated only a few days after I broke it off with him. What is worse, is he went with someone here at work, a girl I always said "flirted" with him. Somehow, I guess it hurts to be that forgettable, and easily to let go and it's like he never, ever cared. I guess his actions in the so-called relationship ... is probably true he never did care ... the way he treated me. The way WG treats me, so very very different. I got mad when WG told me that and upset and tried to hide it and that's when I said, we shouldn't talk about him anymore ... and then he said something else, to try to comfort me such as how ex never gives himself time to get over these things ... and that he's a jack ass. So I said bitterly, and you're his friend .... Though WG says, he doesn't foresee him being friends with him any longer - well after he gets "married" - still is no consolation because it's like saying well he'll be to busy for me cause he's married.... I can't choose his friends, but still I dislike it! I don't think they talk about me, not that WG lets on - but he says there has been some weriodness since he's told him. They see each other - once or twice a month. Seems like maybe it's only once a month now ... I don't ask. Still I don't like to waste, breath nor time on my ex, but anymore I feel like he's suddenly back in my life merely by association. And I hate that and it makes me angry and sick. I always wonder what WG feels about it, and if WG suddenly feels this strong towards me, I wonder if he looks at ex in a different light? This man that treated me like he did .... this the girl he likes .... how can you ... sit there ... knowing? Now this is something that I cannot say anything about. It's something I think the boy knows in his heart to make the right decisions with. Or simply it's also none of his business as well. Maybe I've said to much to him about the whole thing. I don't know how he feels or what he even does, etc. So I cannot do anything but speculate on the whole thing. I don't know ... but last time, I think he knew that I was instantly hurt by that news, it's like hearing someone cheated on you the whole time. You're over the person, but the hurt - yes the hurt - is still there. I wish my hurt would disappear suddenly and that I could suddenly love WG as freely as I wanted. But I still feel I need trust, much more ... more evidence before I decide to release my verdict. Granted I nearly adore the boy as much as I can, I see myself still holding back - a lot - more than him in some ways. He's lucky to have two years after his ex. In that, no one who knows her and can tell him "updates" on her. While me, it's been ... 6 months since I broke it off. I am over it, and forgot about it nearly, but now I hear updates and hear things about what he did, the uncaring. And suddenly it's like I'm reliving all the pain, hurt and stupid memories of times I'd forgotten, or what I thought forgotten? Maybe this is the final letting go. I've moved on two fold, and now I guess this is a relapse of memory. Maybe I'm trying to figure it all out again, something that never has an easy answer or conclusion to. Just like my cop, I think about him a lot anymore. Fireman, I've left on the back burner, still unsure about him. The only person I'm sure about is my WG. I just wish I could forget the other ones, but WG doesn't seem to let me and maybe I don't seem to let him forget his divorce. Self mutilation I guess of hurtful pasts and seem to have seeped into the present? It's my own fault for reliving it all over again. Not when I have this wonderful man, I guess I think I'm realizing how it should've really been ... how to really be treated. Just knowing that wg is wanting to get closer and how he cares...lord. Right now that's enough for me, to be able to think about someone and smile or laugh. Speaks volumns. Though my mom is seemingly planning our wedding, she thinks this is it. Makes me laugh how she is rushing us ... she wants me to bring him up to Michigan to visit. Already. It's to fast, or is it? When do you come to that point? WG already talked about when I meet his parents, but when does this occur? We now, have been dating a month and a half. Is it the two month? Three months? I'm definately in no hurry for this - because I've NEVER met parents before. I mean friends parents, but boyfriends? Never. Everyone seems to like me, but still I feel worried about WG's father. I know to much about how horrible he was to that family and knowing he probably won't like me and will warm up to me maybe....yes MAYBE ... that's scary. His mom, he said would adore me, but he's worried all the same ... it'll be hard for him ... I think to have me meet his folks ... his dad so out of it, sister bulmic and a site to see of skin and bones. Hmmm. I don't care, it's his family and he loves them so I accept them. 2:40 p.m. - 2005-11-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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