sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right now. Happy Thanksgiving. I feel a lot better today, from yesterdays anger fest. WG and I emailed back and forth. He's going to call me Friday night ... and Saturday we're going to spend the day together. He opted for going to a Festival of "Lights" which entails driving your car around this park ... it's $10 a CAR. To me, that's STEEP to pay to look at lights, even IF it goes to charity. So I joked we could watch Sex n the city cause I had him watch an episode last time with me (not sure if he enjoyed it?) So he said, well we could so that and snuggle and watch SITC. I was like..."Snuggle." All I saw was "snuggle." Whoa. I wanted to say you need to sit closer to me if you want to snuggle, but I opted not to poke fun at the boy. And just say we'd decide on Friday. I had a good TDay. Spend with my sister and her fiance. I made corn casserole and the potatoes. I made this sweet n sour cole slaw for her fiance - for him to take to the family thing they were going to. He loved it - and my potatoes. I couldn't help but think about my ex as this time last year I slaved over dinner and remember afterwards making out with him ... that night he told me he loved me. Ha. What a fucking fraud. Still the dinner we had today was good and I thought about WG a lot. My sister says the way he looks at me... you can tell he really has fallen for me. I guess the boy has eyes for me. I guess that's what I see whenever he looks at me in such a way, I feel uncomfortable. Very intent. Those blue eyes. Oh well Fireman called me very early this morning. It was sweet of him to call. He still flirts with me and I do back a lil. Not sure what I'm doing with him anymore. I feel confused still. I do indeed enjoy fireman, a friend, or whatever. He will be home in 28 days. We are going to hang out. Not sure yet if I'm going to let WG know of this. Probably will. It's very hard, I will not lie to you diary, readers - etc., that fireman is not tempting. Fireman wants me, in ways, that WG has yet to taste. It's very tempting to not have fireman come over and make love to me. Just merely to get it out of my system. Because I'm sitting here wanting WG to want me to bad, to want to kiss me and be with me. Then I have fireman who wouldn't think twice about kissing me and doing whatever I ask. Fuck me. Kiss me. Whatever I like, he wants to. Not just for fucking, but because we're friends and I'm basically the only other person he speaks to besides his son. So tempting to just say, let's make love and in that knowing it's not for relationship wise, but for need wise. Is that so wrong? My one friend says if you aren't getting that need met by someone you're bound to look elsewhere. I know WG is taking his sweet time, but me, I'm raring more than not anymore, not when I had it all the time prior .... Now I miss it and need it and the need grows stronger. I have the companion, now I desperately need the affection. I need to be touched and kissed and enjoyed. I feel so wasted. But I respect WG. And now, fireman, I'm not sure if I were to ... enjoy him ... in ways that WG will not allow just yet, what does this mean? Entirely how will I feel after it? Somehow I'm not sure it would effect me to much. Does this make me a bad person? Me and Wg aren't committed, I adore the man, could fall in love with him, but could one last fling, be the end all? He'd never, ever know. I certainly would never say a word, not even here, to you diary, if I should do this. In this, merely thinking about it, the tempting, Eve and the apple ... can one little bite cause that much pain and torment? Or is the garden of eden, though short lived, a return visit. Just an out of mind experience to meet a need that isn't met ... can it really be that bad? When I'm with WG there is no other man in the world that I want. No one. So what's wrong with me. My mom said today (talking about someone else) "Well once a cheater, always a cheater." I kept thinking, am I cheater? If I am, will I always do this? Or is this even cheating when we're not committed? Seriously. Right now, I'm unsure. Can it be possible that I adore and nearly love WG, but also feel for fireman in some odd way? I know lots of girls play two men, I don't want to do that. I'm a one man girl, but eh...just a night, a few days with fireman, would that hurt? He's not here for 4 months, then suddenly here for a few days...is that bad to spend time with him? I just feel like spending time with him, isn't bad ... to me ... it's okay because I AM WORK GUYS. Entirely, fireman cannot change my mind nor heart about it. I kind of think of sex ... like going to the amusement park together. We're going cause we both want the thrill, but then it's closing time and we'll both go our seperate ways. Hmm...still unsure, but for now will just let it lay. I just will let whatever happen, happen. He might come and I might look and him and know that I cannot mess around. Or else, I might. Either way. My diary will not be privy to it...can't see writing it and having someone read it by accident, or someone email me how stupid I was or how I messed up. Everyone has different views...and ... I am unsure....confused me. I do adore and nearly love WG, a lot anymore, but it still hurts that we haven't stepped up the intimacy thing and maybe that's what is making me think twice about fireman.... Please, no comments on this posting...really I don't need that right now. 3:53 p.m. - 2005-11-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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