sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- space to move in. I was just nuts yesterday. Not sure why, but was cranky, wired, not thinking straight. The whole day, fucked up. I went with my sister to the bridal shop since her dress was in. It fit her perfectly. I realized I had to lose weight again as I stood in the three way mirror that showed my every angle. We went to the thrift store - me looking for my Corelle pieces, didn't find any (well crappy ones) ... but I did buy a brass chinese wind chime for my balcony. I like it. $2.50. I called WG as he told me to when I was done and he was still hanging out with his friend - and said he'd call me at 2. So I went home and made myself a mini pizza and watched Girl, Interrupted a lil, dozed off and he did call. I was tired and cranky and nutty still. But I picked him up and we tried to go to the bookstore and it was to crazy. So I went back to my place. I shouldn't have spent time with the boy, I was just nothing thinking right. SO we talked and removed my dead fish, and put up Christmas lights, went on the net for a bit and finally left to go to the Festival of Lights - and fucked up, stupid me. We started on it and I asked how many girls he'd slept with. He said 5 to my surprise, two in highschool, I guess two in college, then ex-wife. I was like whoa. So we chatted about that, while looking at christmas lights, not very romantic on my part, me needling him suddenly. I wasn't myself. And apologized slightly. After that we went to this mexican restaurant and stayed there for a while. I was still stupid and made him mad slightly. I could tell the way his cheeks reddened. After this - twas nearing midnight so I drove to his house and sat in the car and suddenly got really stupid and started complaining about how we haven't made out. As soon as I said it, I'd wished I hadn't said it. I don't even know WHY I said it and felt like I should've just canceled our date. He got very upset and I asked if this was our first fight. He said the timing hasn't been right. He said he'd work something out next time, I said don't. Do whatever you want. I felt so bad. And guilty and just horrid cause he got so upset. He's trying to please me and there I am complaining and now feeling like if he does make a move it's only for me and my stupidity. I told him we have different ways and I said are you trying to change me? It feels like you are and I'm trying...but you need to know where I'm coming from. It's our 9th date and still .... I said, these lil PECKS are things I can get from my parents. I think I hurt him. I told myself to shut up and probably should've apologized at the moment. But he moved in and I sulked back and said it was to weriod and he said unbuckle your seatbelt and turn towards me. I was upset and maybe he knew because I felt stupid and wanted to cry and he was upset because of what I'd said and cause I got upset. So two upset people trying to cast off my fucked up talk ... so I hugged him and he pulled me towards me and kissed my cheek as if to say it's okay and then quickly kissed me. He started to get out and I said he had to kiss me again since that always seems to be the thing - two kisses - and he got back in and kissed me, but this time it was different ... maybe it was his frustration with me or me being upset - but it wasn't just a peck, but slightly open kiss with actual PASSION in it. I started to pull back and he moved foward. I'm sure he was like WTF is up with this girl. First she wants me to kiss her, then when I do she pulls away. So needless to say, I really do not know WHY I was like that. I mean I was just way way off thinking. I said things I should've have. Said our date was the most unproductive one yet - and he said he had fun ... and next time he would plan something good. And suddenly I felt like a bitch and told him I had fun too .... We did have nice conversation and told him that I tease about asking him out - just to tease - that I don't mean it. He asked if I regreted it, I said no ... that I thought it was fate because of how I just realized one day and did it. I said it was timing before, we weren't ready to date at that point. So now I have to back way off the boy. I feel like yesterday was our first damaging date. The kind where things are said that are mulled over again later. Since when am I the broken, mental one in the relationship? I don't know WHY I was like that yesterday, just tired from the week and bitchy because of all the shit going on as of late. I just hope I didn't hurt his feelings or damage him in any way by my words. He knew I was tired yesterday, though that is no excuse. Anyway ... our Christmas Party (WORK PARTY) our first public appearence at work. Is Dec. 9th. I dont' feel odd about it - but told him it's just weriod to look at last year to this year. It's just sad at how much he tries and cares with me. And me, getting spoiled by it and taking it for granted because I'm fucked up wanting stupid things and fucking around with shit in my life. It feels like I'm being stupid suddenly. Wishing I told just say I need some time for a lil bit to think. Maybe, I need space right now cause I feel like everyone is pushing me again into this relationship. I need space right now. It feels like he's beginning to come into my life, consume me slightly more right now. Not that I haven't asked, prayed and cried for this, now it's here and I'm confused and scared and now just was so dumb to him and hurtful. No. Oh well this is my last week of being on the white pill - for my BC - so it's a lower dose of estrogen. SO today I have a headache already. Oddly enough. Feeling like not wanting to do anything today. Also sex drive has decreased a lot. Maybe the hormones are making me slightly foggy in thought again. Today, though, feeling guilt and depression towards my WG. We talked about if we had kids and things like that, future things... and it was odd to think of that with him. Though, I can see it in his eyes more often then not now. Maybe we're both questioning, is this it? He expects me to say home and raise kids until they are at least in preschool. Something like that, it upsets me greatly. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. Even if I can go back to work, I don't want to quit and not work ... I know that's bad to say. He said then I'd have time to write or do whatever...I said ... but my career, it took me this long to get where I'm at .... When that question, that REALITY is set in front of you, when you realize, that you could actually get knocked up, and that actually HAPPEN to you ... it's an odd thing. Then I feel scared about if I should try to, what if I can't? My irregular periods, weight? Granted my gyn said I didn't have PCOS and that my ovaries look normal/no cysts/abnormalities - tests came back clear - ultrasound normal. Still, the OTHER GYN said I might have it "slightly" with having irregular periods, acne ... but not the cyst part. Maybe I'm just in denial about it all, freaking out quietly. I think maybe me and WG are on different levels in this relationship. My mom said he's moving faster suddenly, and I think I'm still behind. Yes, I think right now, I need time to think, some space to move in. 12:17 p.m. - 2005-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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