sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- good sometimes I emailed WG about how sorry I was for being nutty on Saturday. I said I really liked him and didn't mean to be that way for no reason. He emailed back saying it was alright, that it's cool and that he "really likes me too." Felt slightly high school-ish. We're major cheese-ish a lot of the time. He said he hoped my day was going well. So I emailed him back and said we had to decorate his place for Christmas, etc. He emailed back that he's already burnt out ... yikes. He seems very busy - I guess for the graphic artists here, it's hell time - with spec. sections abound. I guess it tappers in February. I told a friend at work about Wg and me and how he wants me to meet his folks now. We still haven't talked up about that. Still feels odd. Anyway the work friend asked if she should go buy a new dress for the wedding. I was like..no ... not that.... I felt even more odd as WG's FRIEND was right THERE as she said this, as he overheard the conversation. I told my friend, I heard myself utter the words of how scared I feel about it all, yet happy, yet how wg compared to my ex are like night and day. I smiled and blushed and she wished us both the best. But then said well if you want kids and if he wants you to stay home, he'll need a new job. Or else you'll have to work.... I wanted to say I DO want to still work. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. I'll work part time, or something. Then last night my sister and I talked about this slightly and she said, "well have you told him you have irregular periods...and could have problems getting prego?" That hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't think I had any problems ... I mean, I don't think I would?? I don't know, but when she said that, I got very .... upset inside. I hate, just cannot bear to think of me, not being able to have kids. I really cannot. I tried to reason with myself that I did have all those tests and all came back with me being normal. The only thing, is my irregular periods, which have ALWAYS been that way since I got my first period. I'm praying that it's "normal" for me to be irregular, and just right now feel kind of odd and not wanting to tell WG should we get to this point, that I might have "problems." When I don't know if I will. Though know enough - that I won't try to "experiment" to see if I indeed cannot get prego. I can see myself getting prego just to prove to myself that I can. No. Certainly do not need that right now. So my plan now is to lose weight. Then when my gyn appointment rolls around, ask my gyn if I ever want kids - if she thinks I'll have any problems. Now is the hard part .. losing weight. I know I can, but lately - the past two months I've just fallen into this stupid phase where I'm not even trying. Eating so so bad anymore. I know I need to drink more water, but ever since I started these new BC pills, I'm more hungry it seems, and most of all MORE bloated than before. Feel better, but feel heavier. Part of me wants to get off these pills, but I know then I'd fall back into fucked up periods, etc. I have to do something though. I wish I could simply just get my stomach stapled, but I'm to chicken to do that, and most of all don't have the money to/inclination to go under the knife for my own weaknesses and lack of willpower. So I'm trying one day at a time. Tonight I'm hitting the gym and will try to go more often now. Also am going to try to eat more "filling" foods - wheats, grains. Try to lay off fast (fat) foods, sweets and drink more water. That's my plan - which isn't to harsh, but at least I know it'll work if I just hit the gym and then do some exercises at home. I am going to start a pilates work out and bands work out on the days I do not go to the gym. I always like pilates - and maybe will try to do those every night while watching tv. I like to feel that strength, the core strengthing ... whatever. Feels good to feel powerful and strong? Regardless, I have to stick with it because I was looking at my body today wondering if I've gained or lost? I have to get on the scale, but very worried to. Scared almost ... trying to reason if I shouldn't just get on a salad and whatever diet. Portion control, moderation something. Eep, I'm scared to see cause I just feel so fucking like shit right now....and also unmotivated to even try to lose, knowing I must, it's a mental thing. What is keeping me from wanting to lose? Is my mind making me gain so that WG will leave me? Not that he would, maybe I feel comfortable knowing no one is seeing my body like before when I knew cop was coming over, etc. Eh, but now I know that soon enough my body will not be of my own and soon someone else's hands will be all over it as if they own it. So I guess it's time to smooth it out. I'll give it two weeks to being "good" and see how well I do. Eh....fireman comes home in 24 days now. I cannot believe how fast, close it is. So yes, it's time to lose again, maybe stress out about it. Get back on WW and just stick to it...like MAD. Like write every MORSEL that graces my lips, get really anal about it. Hm. Does that even work?? Okay, so I do have to lose, I see it, for the sake of my future. If I want to have a clear mind about when it's time to have children, I think now is the time to start it up. I know he wants kids, and I want them. So I want my body in tip top shape - even if I have to start now, even IF me and WG don't work out and I move on, I think I should get somewhat healthy. Not asking for a size 2, but something lighter than I am now. Where I'm not "obese" but merely "overweight." Ugh. What a journey this ought to be. I should dig out my WW books, not sure where I placed them, in a fit of anger when I fucked up and hated counting points ... I hate that shit, but I guess it works? Never really was on it like that....like so hard core. Maybe that's why I never really lost a lot....so hard to be good sometimes. 4:43 p.m. - 2005-11-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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