sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- illuminate me Eh sorry to have ya'll thinking that I'm ready to hop in the ol' martial bed and pop out some kids. Just thinking about it. And anymore - sort of scared - feeling odd about me and WG and the still unkissable me and the last time of the dreaded me questioning him and him saying (though I laugh at this) that he'll "set something up." The time before we had the talk he said while hugging me that we'll figure it out and not to worry. So I'm not worrying. I don't know HOW people can be sexually uncompatible if they are truely digging each other. I know me and my first guy - entirely - were uncompatible in that area. But we did everything else okay. It's an odd thing, but yes, it CAN be worked out. Case in point - me and cop. I know he was a complete ass, but at first we just couldn't have sex. Couldn't get into a position. So we worked on it and suddenly found it and wah-la. He's still an ass, but at least we both worked on it and it worked out. I don't know, last time with WG, I *really* finally felt that something was there. The way he kissed me, it was finally there. So eh...next time, we'll see. Though don't I always say that? I figure a slow start, but WHAT IS THE HURRY? I can say it is coming now, definately. Anyway, sorry to wig ya'll out - I was wishful thinking about everything. And when my sister told me about my irreg. periods, I really thought on it. Thanks AppleRobot for sort of calming my nerves ... I know merely having irreg. periods doesn't mean that I won't be able to. And who says that WG is the ONE? Everyone else seems to think so. I can see it with him, marriage and kids with him, I could do. But I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket right now, just SAYING and you know that saying it and doing it are two different things. But right now, let me divulge something that I've been harboring inside. And yet, let me say, please, I don't need some mass email about how nuts I'm about to sound. I'm very tempted by some guys I've been talking with. There I've said it. I know it's wrong, and points to some mental illness in me. But I guess I'm missing feeling some type of affection. Looking for it ease where, I know it's wrong. I say, fuck I have needs too. And he should be worth the wait. So I'm ignoring my tempter men. I seem to be the girl married guys and guys with girlfriends want to cheat with. That's what I've had. That's so much worse, than anything. So wrong, but still I get tempted, just that secret, dirty secret, that need is there, unemotional bs. I don't know why I'm like that which leads me think I'm mentally ill somehow. I keep thinking borderline personality disorder. To extreme in my relationships, no inbetween. Eh. I'm not about to get stupid now ... though I was, I feel merely months ago. I still feel unstable inside a lot. Not sure why or how. It's there, always there. And I hate this tempting stuff when I know anyone else wouldn't have let it get so far as to nearly making plans to meet. I gave my number to the married one, he's called twice. I wish he'd go away now. So granted, I'm trying to stop this and yet feeling really - blaming - WG for not keeping me satisified enough that I'm seeking others...but then telling them no when it finally comes down to it. It's got nothing to do with WG, it's all, 100% ME. I know it. That's my dark, dirty secret. I hate it and hate when I'm like this. Because when I see WG on Saturday again or whenever, I'll act like it's all okay and that I'm fucking sane. But when he's gone, I fall back into this odd stage of wanting to be used and use others unemotionally. What is that? I'm contemplating therapy again, but how can I say these things to someone? Sound like a whore, whatever. It's good I'm not acting on these whims, but it's nearly to the point that I am. I can see myself married and pulling this same thing. When fireman comes, I know....just know ... I'm suddenly promiscious. I shouldn't be. And right now feel pretty empty inside. Fireman will fuck me and we'll enjoy it and he'll fall for me a lil more and hate me a lil more for liking WG. Yet feel smug that he got to me, broke down the barrier I verbally told him, and got to me enough that I let him in again. Again, just feeling everything is so great about WG, so great. He treats me so well, etc. But me ... I'm the fucked up one. Are their meds for this type of person I've become? Seriously. I know it's wrong. What more, I know I can get away with it. What more, I don't care as I did before and not sure why. I see these men cheating on their wifes merely by talking to me the way they do, and maybe I'm the hypocrite who is so offended by them .... At least with fireman he's single, at least he'll have a clear conscience. I'm just so confused anymore and in a tail spin. Everyone loves WG and me together. I like to be with him, so why am I seeking out sex from others? Why can't I wait? Why am I making such a big deal of this? Am I like some nympho? It upsets me a lot now, and maybe that's why I was so crazy on Saturday to WG. That morning, the married guy called me and I was completely and utterly feeling stupid for giving him my numbers. And him so full of joy and shit to talk to me. I need to straighten myself out. Maybe I wasn't ready to date again ... but I don't want to lose WG. But right now I just feel ... confused. I want him and what he has to offer I'll gladly accept, but what I offer him anymore is a lot of bs and lies. He thinks I'm a nice girl, a good girl, but my actions anymore, say otherwise. I'm not sure why as he's all that I've ever wanted. Why am I trying to mess this up for myself? I can only reason that I'm scared, feeling like I'm falling in love, and trying to point out all the things we don't yet have. Rushing it and keeping it slow at the same time. Argh I'm just fucked up. Please no emails with your explanations about me....I don't know myself and others emphanies about me, really do not help. Doesn't enlighten. Nor illuminate. Just pissed me off mostly. Sorry. 10:27 a.m. - 2005-11-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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