sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- anymore. Yesterday was just odd for me. I re-read my diary entry a few times. I'm still confused as to why I think some of the things I think. I try to say, expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed, yet I find myself with high expectations of this person to create my happiness. My saneness. When in truth we've only known each other - well in that way for about two months now. It's to soon to "expect" anything. And I "rush it" by what others ask .. "has he called you yet this week? Are you spending Christmas with him? Has he....etc etc." So when they question, I question and then I get into beating a dead horse. I keep this side of me away from him as I kept this side of me away from my ex. In turn, maybe all the men I've kept this away from, really don't know me that well. It's my fault. Still, this week, it's gotten increasingly worse. Not sure if this is PMS or what. I've kept this side of me at bay for so long promising myself I would NOT do this again to myself. The worry, the extreme highs and lows. He loves me, he hates me. It's not about him, it's about me, as it should be. I promised to keep my emotions in check and right now, they are in so much disarray ... I'm just feeling scattered badly. I want to tell him about these things, but think in telling him, I would dig myself deeper into it. Some things aren't meant to be known I suppose. So I have impending guilt from my epiphany yesterday that by me merely "chatting" with these men about sex, relationships, etc. It's like I'm cheating. Granted I haven't done anything, but I'm tempted. I'm not sure why I am. I was always tempted when I began dating my ex with other men - never acting though. I've cut off the men I was talking to on the net. I just cannot do that. I wouldn't in the first place. Maybe it's the flirting that I like. I wouldn't act upon it with them. At least not them. Though tempted. I pray I'm not the only girl who's felt this way. I figure it's (not blaming) because of the lack of affection in WG. I feel so much, want to express SO much, but can't with him, not yet, taking it slowly still. I feel that it's there. I'm not rushing it - I'm needing it a lot anymore - but not going to pressure him. I can't say I still don't feel hurt by him ... his lack of this stuff. I know he doesn't realize it, but he sees my frustration and that's enough. I know he has his own issues to work through. I know he wants to, he has to.... If not, then there's such a huge, gigantic problem ... well simply put, then we're just friends. I know he doesn't want that, nor do I. I just think we need to have another heart to heart, something. Stop the bull shit. Fireman comes home in 22 days now. So close. And me, not knowing what's going to happen. Feeling like I could cheat so easily, lie to myself and everyone and suddenly just not fucking care anymore. I do care and I don't. Forever and never, and always. I just wish I could have clear thought and know if I'm fucking up, but feeling like I already have. Yet. He'd never know. And me, I'm not the nice girl anymore. 8:56 a.m. - 2005-11-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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