sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for this I feel like I haven't updated my diary in ages, when in fact, I do it everyday. I guess today's clarity induced by doing my job and my bosses job alloted some thinking time for me. Me freaking out slowly trying to keep on time and not piss anyone off at work. It's really hard when you have people coming up every minute sometimes. Everyone thinks their problems are bigger than yours and mostly want you to drop everything for them. Anyway, it wasn't to bad today. I stayed later last night and decided to try to get ahead. WG called and asked about when I'd have such and such list out and I snapped at him. I feel sort of bad today about snapping at him, but I was under stress, and in fact I would snapped at just about any one - who is asking more of me at that moment. I just feel guilty when I get snappy with him. But it's not just him, it's with anyone I get snappy with. But I actually care about him, so it's worse I guess. I wonder what he thinks, me being looney on Saturday, then Thursday snapping at him. Lord. I hope and pray he's understanding. I kept thinking of him telling me he hates to fight, and argue, etc. And I'm one who'll say shit without thinking first, hurt feelings, etc. I guess maybe it's hard to get to know me, if I'm not flipping out, then I'm hiding inside and if I'm not doing that, then I'm accusing you of something you're not doing. Still, I do like WG but realize I treat him different then most guys I've dated. Maybe feeling like he lets me walk all over him sometimes, but then feeling like he likes me like no other. He questions me a lot, it shows he's interested. He laughs and smiles all the time with me. No guy, ever, really did that. I mean they were nice, but never giggled and really laughed hard. He's sweet. But still I find myself not caring about certain things that before ... I did or would've flipped on. Right now I feel like I'm overly sensitive to hurting his feelings. I say shit things, then instantly feel remorse, then want to apologize and make it up to him. Shit happens and I shouldnt' think he would dump me merely because I was cranky to him. I guess I'm still learning. Fireman called me again this morning - at 5 a.m. I really ... was sleeping well when he called. I was mildly pissed off. I was dreaming a strange and telling somewhat dream.... I dreamt I was sitting in the back yard -- at my old house. My parents were there, but sitting w/ their back to me, and invisible - but I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't see them. I felt scared. Really afraid. I knew something was in the corner of the yard - some animal. My mom said, well in spring Jenny don't you dare let that animal come back. (It was a cat? in my dream a dark grey scary huge cat) ... She went on to say something like how she attracts "good animals" and suddenly....there was a fucking little lamb there. I know. WTF was I on? It was a cute lil lamb that was shaking it's tail like a dog - excited - and then head butted my mom - my invisible mom. That's when the fone rang. Not sure what it meant, but I felt scared of the animal that I was attracting. Somehow, maybe fitting to fireman calling me. Me attracting bad animals ... scary things. He was full of shit, and coo'ed into the phone about how he'd be home in 20 days now. I felt scared - all over again - about it and unsure what will happen. It's close, so close. And I said he'll probably not even want to hang out with me. I said he should find some other girl. He said he would with my permission. What the fuck does that mean? I don't understand the boy. He knows I'm seeing my WG and that I dig him. Yet he seems to act like me and him are something. I know he wants it as he says if WG dumps me, he'll be there, always. I'm like, whatever ... I just didn't want to deal with him. I'm so tired of apologizing and so tired of being wrong and making odd decisions and saying wrong things. Anyway, just like I got to work and my work friend was like "we need to talk." To me, that means something bad. I was racking my brain about it, what had I done? I didn't say anything bad to her did I? I tried to replay the past few days and felt nothing I did was wrong. So she came over and was like, I have a date, that's what I had to talk about. "Oh" I don't know, maybe that's part of my own mental illness, always thinking it's my fault. Thinking people will leave me. Those things, I worry about with WG. I would die if he left me now. Simply, die. And sometimes I don't know how to act with him ... should he ever do that. I don't see him doing this, but still my mind wonders. I told my work friend that I would hate to have to go back into the dating world ... seriously. I hate it. And I'm still not all the way in my mind, that I'm seeing someone "Seriously." I still don't believe it. And everyone says I'm scared. I am. I just ... don't know how to proceed and think sometimes I need breathing room...something. I know I have to stop this .. "is he mad at me" questioning. I also need to stop being snappish, demanding, questioning and let us just do whatever. Stop stressing. I want things to move fast, yet ... I do not. It's odd. Though anymore I'm overly nervous with him and when he goes in to kiss me, I get so nervous I could melt. I hate this. I'm not like this and not sure WHERE this is coming from?? Argh argh argh. Why can't I let myself fully like him? I'm so guarded still....am I not ready for this? 2:13 p.m. - 2005-12-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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