sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and it has. Christmas shopping is nearly finished. I was a busy girl this week, finishing up a lot of things that have been on my mind to do. Clean, organize, write and mail out Christmas cards. I spent Saturday with my WG - he also called me Friday night out of the blue. Telling me things, suddenly, talking to people at work who've asked about me, made it real to him. Then him expressing how he looks forward to our Saturdays and then when it's not Saturday and Monday is here, he wants to rewind time. And counts the days until Saturday is once here again. He told me how he's always looked for someone like me, how quarky I am, and humorous and all these things he said. He went on and on. And suddenly Christmas Eve he's cooking me dinner and already planning it. And nervous what to buy me for Christmas. Suddenly he's infatuated with me. Rose colored glasses are on still for him. Saturday he came over at 2 and instantly was a hands-on man. Hand on back, on waist. We went to Target and he helped me buy stuff for my Secret Santa, did a great job of helping me. I was getting kind of kooky cause it was so busy and I felt kind of odd (period) and just wanted to leave as I felt like I couldn't concentrate. He was sweet and helped me and helped me more and more. I like how he takes care of me, if I flip out (as I often do) he's there to fix it and calm me. Says he'll fix the problem and me not to worry. However he did annoy me - things I need to change in him - how he gets really loud sometimes. How he was looking at some toy and asked this worker how it worked! WTF? Who cares? And then did a lil dance at the music it made. Then looking at the stuff he collects, baseball shit, etc. I wanted to say why waste money on these things? I mean I entirely STOPPED buying dolls - as I used to collect dolls. Now ... I do not really collect anything. I can't afford that, and really don't want that clutter. Lord. Little things, that sometimes annoy me though...didn't really matter. I was nicer and trying to be more...careful of the things I say with him. I was doing very well. We did have fun and after Target drove to Hallmark - me looking for this calendar thing ... we couldn't find it so I said let's go to the mall in IL. It was a good mall, now turned ghetto - kinda scary - and makes you clutch your purse to yourself. Oh the boy held my hand too, yes on his own. So at the mall we walked around - hand in hand and I began to finally feel comfortable with this new hand holding fun. I adore that. I bought my mom her gift and checked out yet another Hallmark, my beloved asking about what I needed ... cause I was tired of looking. We left and our conversation went south from there. Not badly, but oddly. It was his turn, maybe to put it foot in his mouth. We somehow happend to talk about sex. It was a kinda funny conversation, but I'd never heard him talk about it before, what he liked, etc. So that was...very very ODD. Yet I was entirely shocked and amused. In a way, I realize I've somehow turned into a sexual person. I'm not afraid of it, or talking about it, and I like to do it. While my WG seems to hide it and keep it back and still ... not free with it. Or maybe not used to the taste of it. Two years, and god knows how much prior to that, without sex, touch, kissing. I think with it gone that much, you forget how good it is. The excitment and joy and passion. It's like a drug and so easily to fall into it - but not so much that it can consume you and your relationship. Maybe that's why he holds back? Still, we had a chat about guys ... balls and oral sex. It was a really funny talk. I found out he A. names his balls, B. likes them played with (never heard of this before nor had a guy who liked that?) and C. likes/enjoys to give oral. *Shutter* I dislike oral ... and much more, dislike "ball play" ... I don't mind touching them, but licking them? Yuck. I nearly tried it once, but it grossed me out ... that's like hairy .. it's like licking someones scalp, but worse ... like their junk....ewwww. I figure, I'd try it - perhaps - one day. What was so fucked up, was WG talking like this and him never even making moves on me. WTF? At least he's not asexual. Ha!! Still Saturday after shopping we drove around and looked at Christmas lights. Very cute - and I turned on the radio to the Christmas station and he was like, this is great, the lights, the music ... you ... me.... Then later on it turned to ... him asking me if he could call me his girlfriend and -- I screamed literally -- cause I'd been meaning to ask him that very thing ... are we committed? I said I was wondering the same and asked if he thought were were committed ... he said yes cause neither of us are seeing anyone else. I agreed. Just like that. I now have a boyfriend. ...A boyfriend. The thought and the very words of that, is still leaves an odd taste in my mouth. So we watched TV and wrapped presents together. I made him leftover frozen lasagna from our 3rd date with some chili dip from our 8th date. We watched tv, I held his hand, his thumb ran over my hand - which oddly - in some way kinda turned me on. I guess the tenderness ... he put his arm around me. I felt, maybe this was the night he's finally make out with me ... I had the lights off, a candle going ... and.... Yes, nothing. Nothing. And suddenly I got pissed off. So he got up to leave and suddenly I was like, I hate this part. What are you doing first tonight, the hug or the cheek kiss? I was a bitch suddenly. And he said, well fine I won't do anything and I said ... NO. At least he's fighting back now, not all trying to please me. I said next date we're saying our "goodbyes" in the middle. I suddenly felt like a bitch and gave him a thing of my frozen chili to take with him and said he had to kiss me again. I think he knew I was mad/upset and I think he was mad/upset/tired and both of us smiled and said goodnight. Me...just livid. Just mad. At our wonderful night and then ... just a fucking PECK. I ... lord ... am so so so frustrated. Everyone says what is the rush. Everyone says ... it'll be more special. I looked at him before he went and said .... "....this is our 10th date ... you know ... and....still we're at this....." Disheartened. Suddenly. How can he hold my hand, put his arms around me ... but not want to kiss me? Why why why?? I know...don't rush it...but I've realized ... this is God's doing. I realized it today. Fireman called, and flirted and talked sex with me the night he gets here. I am tempted. In that tempt. In that very consideration, I feel like God is trying to tell me something. Testing me? And I feel like I shall fail this test, and that ... I can see the consequences. A man who already loves me and treats me as such. Verses a man who'll give me passion, intimacy, that what I seek from WG so easily. A man who desires me bodily verses a man who desire me mentally. I choose WG any day. I feel like he loves me ... already. Tenderly. Fireman, I feel like he loves me too - but in some odd needy way. He makes me feel desired. And in that, my other friend says right now I'm physically frustrated. I say if I was a guy I'd have blue balls. Still, I ought not to think of this. I'm not sure what'll happen with fireman, but I will not talk of it on here - no emails, no judging. So I'm already upset at what is coming up in a few weeks for me. The thing is being satisfied, yet then labeled a cheater. Or keeping morals and continued feeling resentment from WG's lack of desire for me. Catch-22. So I'm unsure what I'll do .... I know as a person I've changed. When before I'd never question this or do it. Not sure what happend, I think my ex fucked me up mentally in a lot of ways. Then cop. And now, to be "bad" is good to me? How can this be? What happend to me? My thinking has changed entirely. Oh well ... I will sort this out someday. Now, I'm scared what'll happen when fireman comes here. I am praying, I will look at him and be with him and say I just cannot do this. Maybe I will. I hope I do. When I'm with WG, I feel like there is no other love. Then suddenly a days without him I'm ready to go back into the dating world and see who else is there for me ... not that I want them in a relationship, but for other things. It's odd...perhaps I need an open relationship. Or I'm not ready. Or I'm only here to please everyone, my parents, I know, I know this can lead to marriage and I know with him I could. It hasn't hit me yet, in the way that it's hit WG ... about being in a relationship. I'm still stuck in single mode. Still stuck in dating lots of guys, just for the passion to which I feel addicted to. Fucking around unemotionally. Cop taught me that. Maybe, in my own way, I am cop. How many times he said we were so much alike. Were we? Anyway ... my period started two days before I got on my white pill. Today I've had the worst cramps I've ever had in my whole life. I was standing at the store today and they came on so bad, it felt like my pelvis was being crushed. My hip joints ... everything ... was so achy I thought I was going to fall down. OH I bought WG his christmas presents today. I got him a Fossil Watch - as he doesn't wear a watch - and I figure he'd think of me when he wears it -- it was originally $75 dollars and I got it for $45 - with the luck of good coupons and a sale. It's nice looking - I'm not very good at picking out watches. I also bought him off of Amazon two screenwriting books ... cause he wanted some. They were cheap - better than going to the bookstore for them. So he's done! I also bought my mom a nice shirt and coat matching set - in this pretty lavendar/purple. I think she'll look very pretty in it - her dark hair, colbalt blue eyes ... look just like Liz Taylor. ;) I had to buy it for her cause it was just so pretty to me and I thought of her instantly when I saw it. So basically my Christmas shopping is like 80% done!! Yay! WG is done, my mom is pretty much done. My dad ...is kinda done - I'm going to cook for my parents - nuts for dad, chocolate for mom and then make nuts for WG and my sisters fiance ... the only thing is I need to get some movie tickets for my bosses present and my sisters present too. Then...that's it? Great! Yay. See I got a lot accomplished this weekend. I even addressed and stamped and am sending out my Christmas Cards. What is BETTER is my parents gave me my present - money - for Christmas. They also got little things - so we have things to open. My mom gave my sister and I $1,300. I'm so so so happy she did this. She said the $300 goes toward my new couch. Right now, I'm putting half of that on my Visa to get it under control. It's, I think right now at $850. I'll put $500 on it and the rest into savings. The "new couch" can WAIT. Sorry, I need to get my visa under control before I do this. STILL I'm extactic about getting MONEY for Christmas. Sorry, but anymore I'm just POOR. Not that I'm overly spending, but lately can't seem to get back on FOOT. Even now with this extra money, I'm still feeling like I'm living cheaply. I'm going to start looking for new jobs again because ... I need a change. Also want to get into writing again ....... not sure how to. I need to change career wise I think. I think ... my relationship life is going good. Eh...still working on myself. Fuck. Can't seem to lose weight - though I did weigh myself and have gained only 2 to 3 lbs since I got on my new birth control. Not bad, not good. I hope this week flies by ... Friday is the Christmas party! Me and WG first public outing with work people ... yikes! He's so excited and so I am. He says we'll walk in hand in and hand and everyone will be like ____(insert his name_ and Jen!! He's so cheesy...lol. But still I asked him yesterday if he thought he'd have anyone for Christmas he said he hadn't thought about it and I said I didn't either ... he said ... you know they say it happens when you don't think about it. And it has. 8:49 p.m. - 2005-12-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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