sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right now I slept well for the first time this week. Woke up and finally took my BC on time as I've been forgetting to take it until 7:30 (20 mins late). I feel better today, aside from last week. What is kind of shitty this week is - I was starting to get over-analyzing Jen again. Suddenly I sat there thinking WG never calls me and never emails me, blah blah blah. When in fact he does ... and called me last week and emailed me ... I forget when....but entirely. Why does that matter? I guess it's my ol' baggage from my ex ... still evident where I always felt like I had to do all the work in the relationship. Still, right now I'm really trying to learn this and trying really hard to change my ways. I know I'm wrong, no one needs to tell me this. The first step is knowing that you're wrong - the next step is learning from it and the third is changing. I know I'll have relapses, but where it counts the most, faithfulness, trust ... is where I refuse to relapse on. Not anymore. The new improved Jenny. So Im phasing out this past girl and introducing morally correct Jen. Raised good Jen. Wants to give good examples and live TRULY not false, lie based me. One of my first steps is forgiveness, getting over it, move on and FORGET about it. I also laugh to myself when WG was saying just how my ex's new fiancee has sex toy parties (I think that's white trash) ... WG went on to say that "toys" are bad and girls shouldn't have them if their guy is satisifying them. I said quietly...."well I have toys." *Silence* ... "You have toys?" ... Yup. Not that I use them all the time, but I do have them. And should I get married or whatever, I'll probably toss the two I have, and keep the one. But toys, and boyfriends/husbands ... it's not about keeping her "satisfyed" it's not about that at all. Anyway, we kind of moved away from that talk, cause it was weriod, but I felt good for him to know that I'm human, not perfect and even I have things that he would've never thought I'd have. Other than this, I went shopping yesterday and spent money like I had it. Yes. I bought clothes and shoes. It was kind of nice, I got a new pair of jeans (avenue) and a sweater, a white sleep shirt and a pink sweater/jacket thing made out of velour. My sister said it was entirely me ... pink and girlie. I adore that stuff. I figure that I'd wear it to bum around in. Me and WG are seeing King K tomorrow and Saturday Christmas shopping. I hate to run around this weekend, but it's the last "hurrah" .. still being with my WG is great. I can't say how funny it was shopping for his co-worker and getting my "okay" on things. Looking at me for an OK. Lord, I'm the wrong person to look to for ok's and decisions. Pretty soon I got fed up and went along with it and said this is what I'd get .... So he got his coworker, what I feel, is a great present. Erm. I also got my boss a cool present - well I'll give it to her next week - I got this cool santa box from target and filled it with some candy/nuts and am going to put in some movie passes cause she always goes there. I can't wait for WG to open up his presents too on Christmas Eve. Man next week is going to be crazy for me. On top of this all,I have two teeth that ache. Not cavity ache (never had a cavity before) but ... eating to much sugar and hard stuff hurt. Plus I've been tonguing my achy teeth making them worse....I took some pills and eh....should be happy cause maybe not I won't eat as much. Har har. Still....I need to start weight loss again. In 2 and some odd days is my sisters wedding. And me, feeling like I've gained a lot. I looked in the mirror today and wondered just if I had gained, or maybe lost a lil recently.....cause my body looks the ... uh ... same. Ugh. I wish I could get the exercise bug again - like I had before where I started to FEEL powerful, now I just feel like a fat slob. Maybe it's this comfy area me and WG are in, where I feel that I don't need to impress now? Still, I am going to have to do something. Ugh two new New Years resolutions. Lucky me. I contemplate taking diet pills again, eh. Maybe not .... Still my fucking tooth is still achy and pissing me off as I have a headache like crazy. My modem went out in my computer too - so the cable guy has to fix it tomorrow...and uh today is the Christmas Party at work. Yeah. Thank God my tooth feels like shit. Can't eat. I'm so cutting back on sugar. I trashed some candy in my desk, going to opt for fruit now and healthy items again. Why is it so hard to lose weight? Anyway, whatever. I can't wait to see my Wg tomorrow and Saturday. What a comfort to know that I can go shopping with someone, not alone like I used to. Hmmm ... that boy, is wonderful to me sometimes without even knowing it. Just company ... anymore is special to me. So what. I'm fat and happy now, though need to lose desperately bad. Sort of wishing I could get very ill again and lose like 10 lbs. Ha....bad wish huh? OK ... might start WW after Christmas. Need to find those fucking booklets. Or else toss all bad foods out. Or whateverrrrr. My head hurts so bad right now. 8:47 a.m. - 2005-12-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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