sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to mean something Time flies huh? I mean I last updated on Monday. I've been overly busy ... finally ... and have created a few ads for a magazine where I work. I kept myself busy and am praying that they sell. I did a great full page ad for a cosmetic surgeon. Anyway, not much has happend, things did, but I'd rather not say on here. I was stupid again, twice. I will leave it at that. Fireman comes in tonight and I'm very tired due to lack of sleep and lots of stress. I haven't slept well all week. Am feeling the guilt seeping into me from my prior stupidity. Tonight, I don't know what's going to happen. Seriously. I've had dreams and daydreams about today - prior to WG I was set to have a night of messing around. Now...I don't. I mean I feel bad for flaunting, teasing, being what pooks calls a "cock tease" to this man. I don't know what he expects from me tonight. I do know that I do not want to stay up late. It's 2:30 here and already I'm tired ... ready to hit the sack. It's been so busy at work, and planning for this weekend ... etc. etc. I shutter, really to think of anyone busting a move on me tonight. Or having to deal with this. Though, oddly I had fantazied about it, forever. Now it's here and I don't want it, I just think of WG and just don't ... I dont' know how to explain it. I can't.... Fuck. Call me committed. This is how it ought to be. I don't know why before I thought I would lead this double whore life of fucking around when convient, then without even thinking about the other person. I mean how I've lead on fireman ... it's riduculous. I will not say this to him, I won't tell him I did this, but tonight. If anything ... I don't know what I'll do or say. Maybe he wont' want to and will understand how all along I've said I was committed and wanted to just be friends. Things change. People change. But with him, I've changed. Now, I just want to be left alone. I feel like a sinner. Hester Prin. My scarlett letter is all to bright recently and I'm feeling the heat of hell at my toes. I hate it and am starting to feel a piece of myself darken. So I guess I'm finally realizing and changing. I don't know what happend, well actually I do. In a half sleep, oddness, I was thinking of MG, Fireman and cop popped into my head. I thought, suddenly how lovely it would be to be with him one more time. Then I woke up, snapped awake and realized just how wrong .. it all is. Yesterday talking to WG and his sweetness and my streak of badness, it's not mixing and I can't lie and I can't do these thoughts because I find ... I have...feelings now ... for WG. I mean, strong feelings. Suddenly. I don't know what happend? It's just there, it hit me last night. Yesterday. Something. It hit me yesterday - see prior I'd been always asking WG about decorating his place for Christmas. And yesterday I said, saddly, that when we opened our presents there would be no tree and I would make a paper tree. He said...well I was going to surprise you with a little tree..... And went on to say (after I joked that he only wanted me over for presents) ... that he just wanted me to be there with him. And me asking when he wanted me over as it was "his gig" and him saying, "no ... it's our day Jen...." All of these things. I just realized. Suddenly in my sleep, I just knew, know. I have changed, WG has changed - suddenly I felt that he truly likes me for me. Some part of my heart finally realized it last night and that's when the guilt flooded in. I know I have to forgive myself and know...that in this I am changing...but still. Just to realize it. It was just ... hard. I mean all around hard. I saw the light, I've had the epiphany. I think I love him. It scared me before. Now ... I don't know. I've felt like I could cry about this all day. I wondered if this is how his ex-wife felt, telling him she'd cheated -but only told him cause it was serious with the guy she was cheating with. Me. I'd never tell for any flirtations, whatever. What is the point. I'm guilty. But....changing. Stopping. Putting an end to it all ... momentary insane. Now, I realize. And now know that I took it all for granted, him, everyone, everything for granted. It's there, been there all the time, but I'd never opened my eyes to it until now. So tonight. My heart feels like it's someplace new and my mind if far off and my body is tired. I don't know fireman's plans and I am going to tell him, albeit gently, that I am tired ... of it all. What he'll do, or I'll do. I guess I was scared before in who to cling to if WG leaves me suddenly. I don't see this happening, not the way he is with me. the way we are. I guess letting go is scary, and not having someone, something to jump to, is the risk I need to take and deal with. If he would leave me now, I would be entirely heart broken. Seriously, the very thought of it...brings tears to my eyes. That has to mean something. 2:35 p.m. - 2005-12-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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