sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on this all I can't remember when I last updated. My internet has been down at my apartment for the past few days - so when I check my mail it's been at my sisters or at work. I also have just bascially deleted a lot of things, sorry to anyone who's emailed me something. I just seem to not want to be on the net anymore. Not like I used to when I spent hours upon hours on it. I realize I was searching for something - and now feel - that it was a companion. I mean I suppose that what it was? Nowadays, I just check mail, update diary, check bank account and look on eBay for my sisters wedding stuff. Everything, right now, in my life is stretched and jumbled and crazed. So many things to do, and think on and to save money and try to keep things flowing. I realize what I did last week was dumb and still feel upset about it. Not sure what to do anymore, trying to forget it. Yet... knowing I loaned something to Fireman and he has to come back to return it. Thankfully I'm on my time next week - before he leaves again - and right now I wish I hadn't loaned him anything because I could do without ever speaking to him again. Not sure what happend, but I am easily casting him away, I don't know why. I wish he would go away forever - without me having to tell him so. So I've deleted my Yahoo IM program from my computer at work. I've put Fireman and MG on my ignore lists just in case. I said before that I'm done with this craziness in my life and need to live w/o some gray cloud, some skeleton in my closet. No more sneaking or betraying. It's new year for me to start over inside and be the nice, morally correct girl that I know I am. Ask God for forgiveness and direction, etc. .... Anyway, WG cooked me a wonderful meal on Christmas Eve. Fettuccine and Shrimp. It was very good - and some garlic bread. I was very nervous and just feeling out of sorts there. Waiting for this day, it's here, yikes. I made a cheesecake and it was okay. Not my best. We watched some tv, drank wine. Put together side tables my parents gave him from my grandma's old apartment. My sister gave him a present of movie tickets. We opened presents - and he got me a gift cert. to the salon I go to - for $60 bucks. It was sweet of him cause he didn't know I went there. How odd...so I'm happy as Thursday I'm getting my hair done --- $100 ----- so now I'll just have to pay $40. Yay. I'm low on cash once more. Even with my parents gift of money, I'm low due to Christmas shopping. It sucks. But alas, no we haven't made out yet. We kiss a lil more often it seems. Small kisses. Maybe this is the precursor to it all. He did go in to kiss me while talking in his kitchen and I shyed away for some reason. Maybe it was my fault. But I got to feeling slightly upset about it this past weekend. He met my parents on Monday and it went okay. The boy shaved off his beard and looked so baby faced. His clothes are horrible, I need to take him shopping - but how to even do this? Without hurting feelings? I'll have to as he met my parents in oversized clothing that just makes you look horrid. He tried, I'll give him that. And even put some gel in his hair to spike it a lil. My parents really liked him and said he was such a nice guy and easy to talk to. He thanked them for the tables and my sister for the tickets. So I was happy - yet overly nervous still and feeling at odds cause I wanted it all perfect. Afterwards me and WG went back to my place and I took down my Christmas decor while he sat there watching. I think we're getting close to making out, or should I say intimacy? We went out to eat and then back to my place to watch TV. I was dead tired from the day (woke up at 4 a.m. and got up at 6 a.m.) ... and I layed back on him - his hand on my arm. He slightly was brushing my boob! Ha...I was like....umm.....I didn't say anything but wondered if he knew? Probably not. But I took him home and now am feeling slightly pissy about the lack of smootchin' I know...take it slow and I know go at his pace. My sister said if I wanted to do this, I would have to say/make the move. I know my move it...hey let's make out. But I get nervous and shy about saying that to him. Maybe that's why we haven't yet? Maybe I'm not ready? Eh ... I'm not going to dwell and flip out. Every relationship is different and ... ours ... we're getting to that point ... we're on the brink ... it's just acting getting over the hurdle that is so hard. He's shy with it and I don't want to pressure. I don't tell him about it anymore and thought that would help out. Now, I think my sister is right, I think I'll have to give a gentle nudge on it....argh. Soooo. New years. I asked him to spend the night at my place since we'll be up late and since...fuckkk drinking, etc. And he agreed. I asked if he'd sleep with me this time - not for sex - but just to sleep in my bed and he agreed that he would. (Yikes) So I'm wondering, can a move be made there? Hm. Or maybe he's thinking that too? I mean ... hmmm. I'm going to have to bite the fucking bullet on this one and just do whatever FEELS right. I'm just frustrated kind of - again on it. But am trying not to dwell/think on it. I'm just a bag of mixed emotions. I don't know what I want anymore, nothing and just feeling scattered. We're just to real anymore it seems. And ... it sort of scares me, it hasn't hit me yet - not yet - that this is real for me. That we're ... real ... that I have a boyfriend that'll be there for me. I guess I'm still hurt/baggage about last time and not yet letting myself ... let that go. So I know it's not all his fault. And last night I told him how bad I felt for how I get sometimes with saying crazy shit. I said it was my hormones and he said that he understood and knew I couldn't help it. I said, next time, please just say something. I know I have PMS this week - kind of - at least. Last month I started early and now next week it starts up again. So I'm curious to see how it goes. They say the pill I'm on lessens it and makes it a light and short period. Last month was only I think 4 days? That would be nice. I do feel back to myself on this pill though. Seriously. I do get some kind of nutty times - but not as severe? I know I overanalyze, etc. but I know I'm doing it and realize it...I don't know. Right now, I just feel lucky to have WG. And sit and wonder on our future and what will happen, etc. Just sometimes the things he says, etc. I know he cares a lot for me. And I wonder how we'll be when we both jump that intimacy hurdle. I think we're both scared/nervous of that...as intimacy is very emotional/personal ... the last step of letting someone fully into yourself. So no rushing/pressuring. I think before I used intimacy as a way to make them stay or thinking they would like me more. Now I see it's just another spice to the mix, not the whole mix itself. It just ... I don't know. I feel confused anymore, I need to have some clear thought on it and come to some conclusion on this all. 9:50 a.m. - 2005-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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