sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- idiot. I had an utterly crazy day at work. It happended before I was leaving - obits ran over. They gave them to me late. So I jumped the paper (adding pages aka big deal) and jumped the wrong paper (thought it was Wednesday). So was extremely frazzled. Cable company called and I said I'd be home in 15 minutes - got home (rushed, drove erratic) and they had left and I called and the guy had said the order was "completed" ... I said ... "but I don't have any internet still and my tv is also messed up." That turned into the guy hanging up on me (on accident) I called back and he apologized, I said "way to go... let me talk to your manager." So after that fiasco, they are coming again Friday and I'm getting credit for the days I'm w/o internet - which shall be about 2 weeks - combined with the last time it went out. I was so pissed off, I was cursing on the phone to the guy, I never get this heated, but I was just so frazzled and trying to keep my cool and also trying not to cry cause I cry when I get upset. I didn't cry, but am still feeling frazzled today at work and am going to take a half day Friday at work, or else, leave at 4:00 so I can be there when the cable guy gets there. I just feel nuts today, I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what's going on, but I feel depressed again suddenly. Ever since Monday night when I spent time with WG. I laid in bed last night having a fantasy fight with WG about why he can't get intimate with me, why he can't kiss me, etc. Then I think about fireman and MG and suddenly I'm just jumbled. Right now, I'm not even going to think about it cause I'll just get really upset and that'll fix nothing. I just am tired of getting hopes up every time, just to see them fail. Making excuses. Saying he'll come around and... then realizing I can't pressure or talk him into doing anything he doesn't feel inclined to do. And if I should, then ... I would never know if he did it for me or for himself. So I guess I have PMS cause entirely I could cry my eyes out right now. I need a vacation away from everything, a change of scenery really fast because I'm really burnt out - really very badly right now. Suddenly. I also think I just need a day off, away from everyone and everything and just left alone. I'm also slightly peeved at fireman not calling me since Thursday. After that ... I guess it's a sign, goes to show, a told-you-so type of deal. A realization of the wrongness of everything concerning him. He still has that thing he borrowed from me. I did get a hang-up call at 11:40 pm Sunday night. Maybe that was him. I wasn't home. Ugh. I feel the cranky, bitterness of last night still in my chest. I'm wondering if it's pms, the pill, over tired? Not sure, maybe a combo. I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt I was working in Dix ney again, but at a hotel. I was helping in this gardening center and ended up having sex with a 71 year old man. Ha.....gross huh? Call that a gross hormone dream ... I think it was because I was watching tv before I went to bed and it had something to do with it. Plus the week before my period, I'm really super amorous like a mofo. I mean it's bad ... I think that stuff got me in trouble a lot before. But now, I'm doing the discipline thing. The truthful Jen and maybe in that I'm knowing and realizing I won't be fucking around for quite a LONG fucking time. As WG ... I don't know what is going on .. why he can look at me and say these loving things, but ..... scared to jump the intimacy hurdle. People either say that's gentlemen like that he's gotten to know me, others say that's a problem. Not that the fire isn't there, it's just the plan of who'll be the first to take that scary step. I'm finding myself shy about it anymore, and maybe he feels the same way. Or maybe was going to make a move on Christmas Eve and me backing away, it's not all him. It's never, just, all him anymore. I guess maybe I have boyfriend burn out too. To much, not enough happening, something. I look at him and wonder if that's my future there. I realized the other day something about sex. It's like masterbation ... for whoever is on top. We're everyone's blow up doll. Seriously. It's a selfish act I think - sex - for whoever is on top because it's at your own pace, and all about you getting off. Granted they say they want you to get off, and I know they try to get you to finish (they DO try), but in my own experience, I've never finished with a guy. I've come very close, but usually they don't get me there fast enough - or I'm on the brink and they finish/change position/etc., and I'm laying there watching their ugly, distorted faces and yanking my knees up to my chest and wondering if they're close. Then feeling that weriodness when they do finish. I just am fasinated that this is how you have kids, like I don't think it'll ever happen to me or something. Eh.... I just realized I have a hair appt. tomorrow at 5:45 and if I have to stay here ... until ... 5:30 ... or if something happens, I will blow my top. I just sent my resume in for a writing job. Maybe I'll get an interview, probably not. Hmm. I just feel so fucked up today and know the rest of this week I'm feeling like I'm going to chuck a knife at someone cause they are so ignorant. Idiots. 10:12 a.m. - 2005-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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