sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- soak a while Happy New Year everyone. A new year! Finally here. Finally a new start, I told WG as he left my apartment that now it's finally "our year." He smiled. He spent the night - yes - slept with me in my bed. We both couldn't sleep cause we both were nervous/afraid of snoring in front of each other. Finally he fell asleep at 4:30 a.m. And I did get my New Years wish, we "made out." We had a lot of talks last night, got in a few heated discussions, one of which he grabbed my hand and said he didn't know if he should be asking me this, but wanted to know if I was ready to date when we went out the first time, a committment. I said of course. I also said we're great together, this whole thing is fantastic...but...that we needed to work on the intimacy part........ He said two dates ago he tried to go in to kiss me, but I didn't see it, and just gave him a peck kiss and he thought that I wasn't ready. I said I've been ready for a month. So in that. After midnight I turned off the lights and TV and we kissed for real, the first time. And of course, it was a big screw up. The boy, used to much tongue to fast. Which I entirely dislike. We made out for maybe 5 minutes? With giggles and laughs...but I felt we can work on this ... it's a rough start. He also said I needed to calm down cause I was acting crazy (PMS) ... and I needed to relax cause I was upset that we couldn't get it right and that...whatever. Still ... I got the kiss him ... in that way ... in a way where I felt comfortable and how right it felt suddenly. We laughed through it, and for a moment we were going alright, but then the conversation turned serious. He said that ... I would be so much better if I could let go of my past, the hurt. I was happy because it was dark in the room as I felt ready to cry. For what happend in my past, suddenly I realized really was/did/is fucking me up currently. I said I needed time. I realized I'm a committ-o-phobic sort of ... and he feels slightly stand-offish to me due to this feeling of me not being "ready." I felt like the fucked up one in the relationship. He said I was the crazied girl he's ever dated. And I felt upset that he thinks that I'm off the wall a bit to often and the things I say. I guess it's me pushing him away, but this boy is stead-fast. And now...I realized ... again, how we were ... talking if we have kids, get married, etc. It was odd ... and staying good-bye we looked at each other ... and I think maybe we both felt something more somehow. I don't know. We grew and learned a lot last night. I was just happy that he was going to make that move... him first. And last night, ah, finally both of us were ready for it as I didn't hestitate to kiss him. Now I wonder about upcoming dates. Things now ... what now.... I realized after it, I got what I've been wanting so bad ... and don't feel what I thought I might...but now realized how much I want to be there for him and change and just be truthful entirely from now on. Yes. Those others are gone. I told you all in the New Year, I would stop the craziness. Aud Sang Lang, whatever, that part of my life, myself in 2005, is gone. 2006 is my clean slate. New start, new beginning. I'm starting over inside with WG. I'm going to try to accomodate the issues we had last night. I know I'll have slip ups, but in that, we have some staying power that seems to be stead-fast. So I'm trying to learn, change for him. I know I have to let it all go. Last night, in his frustration ... he said, "Look Jen, when are you going to realize I'm not going to treat you like those other guys? I'm a nice guy, a good guy, I'd never do that to you. When are you going to realize this??" Again, I wanted to cry because I knew he was right. And now I hope the things I said didn't damage him in anyway. I know he said I hurt his feelings ... and I feel that if I did, he'll forget it and get over it quick or tell me later on. I hate when I hurt him, unintentionally, without thinking, say something dumb. I don't know. I didn't sleep at all last night and had PMS - he said he could tell how I was acting - and I felt bad. This morning I made him bacon and toast and coffee. I packed up a lil cheese and crack thing for him cause he loved my cheese ball. We're going out to dinner Tuesday night. Friday is dinner/movie and Sunday is whatever. Whatever than that, I'm just trying to be a better girl to him, he deserves more than that from me anymore. I'm so happy my period is starting, I know this sounds odd, but I was slightly worried as to my recent escapades ... that perhaps. So it's a good thing I guess. I don't know. But let me ring in the New Year. Let me forget everything of the past and stop talking about it. And just...relax. That's my goal: relaxation. Slide into this soothing relationship bath and soak a while. 4:57 p.m. - 2006-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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